And He's Back

Sorry to be out of touch for so long but I just started my new job this week and I have been pretty worn out after work and really not all that interested in typing on yet another computer. Hopefully I can find my groove next week though and get back on track with postings here. Fingers are crossed so do stay tuned!

I did want to give you the update on Ted, aka my "Mr. Big" who makes my heart sing or cry, depending upon the day. I will say that I've got good news...Ted's back! In fact, he so back that I heard from him four times yesterday. So yeah, I'm feeling a lot better about things with him now.

Last time I checked in, I hadn't heard from him in six days but then later that morning, I did get a "hey, what's up" email, which didn't say anything about anything, just that he'd been "busy". I was like, um what? Busy? Doing what?? Why haven't I heard from you in almost a week??? Needless to say, I was hurt and angry so of course, I didn't respond right away. I wanted him to see what it felt like to have to wait. Grrr.

When I wrote back the next day, I told him I wasn't sure about this relationship because I don't want to be dating a guy who only pops out an email every six days and doesn't want to see me but every few months. I asked him what he thought.

So Ted wrote back saying he was sad but relieved because he wasn't sure he could pull off a long-distance relationship. He did want to see me again because he sees me as someone special (and hopefully not in the short bus sort of way) but that he really wants someone local that he can do things with.

Okay, so that felt like a punch in the stomach. I really thought he'd come back with how sorry he was for disappearing, how much he cares about me and how he's going to try to be better. But he didn't and I was really sad.

So I decided to send out what I like to call the "Hail Mary" email. This was an "I've got nothing left to lose so might as well give it all" message where I just told him just about everything I was thinking:

Dear "Ted",

I'm glad we were able to clear the air here a bit. I've been struggling with the whole long-distance aspect of everything as well and was thinking well, I'll give this a shot but if it all works out, someone will have to move. That was a tugh thought since I'm very settled here.

I will say I wasn't averse to moving back to DC but of course wouldn't be able to do it anytime soon as I am starting a new job here in Boston on Monday. I was thinking we'll see each other once a month or so for the next six months, see how things go and make some sort of a decision after that. I was happy that flights were cheaper than I thought they would be and that kept me going.

It was all easy enough when I heard from you a lot and I felt with the calls, emails and texts that you were always right there with me. It was nice.

But then they stopped. And I didn't understand why. I couldn't figure out what I had said or done to make you disappear and so I was very confused. And sad. I liked talking to you. You brightened my day. And I missed you. A lot. So yeah that's where the sad part comes in. I didn't want to put any pressure on you so I just didn't say anything. And I waited.

And finally you sent me an email saying you were sorry that you had been busy with work and I was like WTF? You'd always managed to call or email or text me around work so that just confused me more.

Anyway, long story short, I like you too but am not planning to move anywhere anytime soon. I am open to talking about things changing down the road but frankly if I'm to uproot my entire life for a guy, there's got to be a serious commitment involved. I know you aren't ready for anything like that so I am not suggesting anything like that now. I am just saying what my conditions would be for relocating.

If you are adamant about being with someone nearby right NOW, there's not a lot I can do about that. If you're willing to give things a shot, well, we could obviously talk. And talk plainly and openly so there is no confusion and no miscommunications. I don't like miscommunications. They kind of suck.

Honestly if we were to see each other again it would have to be before Sept 17. But if that's not in the cards then you probably shouldn't come up then. That would just be too painful for me. I really do like you Tim. A lot actually.

Anyway, ball's in your court. Let me know what you decide.

"Jax"

I really thought when I wrote that email that Ted was going to turn 7 shades of purple, freak out and disappear forever. But he didn't In fact, it had the exact opposite effect. Instead of disappearing, Ted's been calling me every single day, texting, writing on my FAcebook page and last night he even called to serenade me. Okay, it was 1 in the morning and he was drunk as a skunk but it was still cute.

We haven't had any serious talks yet about what the hell happened and we have not yet planned our next get-together but I'm backing off on any pressure, perceied or otherwise, so this issue doesn't happen again. I just started a brand new job so the last thing I need is more drama, ya know?

Ted did tell me last night post-serenade that he really misses me and I believe him. I think that missing me will turn into him seeing me soon. It's just a matter of getting him to book a damn flight. Yes, he lives 450 miles away from me but there are lots of shuttles between his town and mine and the prices are fairly reasonable so he should be able to take a weekend up here pretty easily. It's just a matter of him doing it. Ted's not a planner but if he's going to continue liking me, he's gonna have to see me and that means, yes, planning something. He's a big boy. He'll be just fine.

So that's my Ted update which actually is pretty good and for that I'm so incredibly relieved. Let's hope the next Ted update is equally uplifting shall we? I am hoping that the next time I write about Ted it's to say he's coming to see me. So yeah, fingers crossed there.

Hurry up and Wait

I know that the 1.5 people reading my blog have probably noticed that the number of blog posts each week have dropped dramatically and I wish I could say I'm sorry. But in all honesty if I don't really have much to say, why waste your time with a blog update right? That's right...I am just looking out for you, dear reader!

I really still don't have much to say other than there's not a lot going on right now. It's just a quiet week I guess. I can offer updates on the topics you're sitting on the edge of the seat though so here here goes:

1. Foster Adoption Progress: I have graduated from my foster adoption classes and now I'm just working on my home study. I did complete a first draft of the document, which is something like 30 pages at this point. I went and got fingerprinted at the local DSS office yesterday morning and tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with my social worker. So the process is moving forward, albeit slowly, but it is moving.

2. The Job: I got a new job! I start my new gig next Wednesday July 29th and I'm both excited and sad at the same time. I think this will be a great opportunity and a good fit for my experience, skills and personality. I also think it would be good for me to get back to work so I'm not sitting at home by myself quite so much. As much as I am trying to keep myself busy these days, there are still quite a few hours where I sit at home by myself (like right now!) and sometimes these four walls feel like they're closing in on me. Thank goodness it's summertime so I can at least go outside and take a walk when I need to get away. I spent 3 hours yesterday evening working on my Home Study and afterwards took a 1-hour walk from 8:30 to 9:30 pm just because I couldn't sit here by myself anymore. I never could do that if this were January. So for that reason I am very lucky I'm unemployed in July.

3. And last but not least...Ted: I wish I actually had a real update about Ted but unfortunately, he's the one I've got the least to say about. Ted called me last Friday and told me not to come visit him this coming weekend since he was going out of town with friends. But then he said he'd like to come visit me September 17th because I've got the family summer house then. I wasn't happy about that but thought I'd wait it out and see if he decided he'd want to see me sooner.

Well guess what? I haven't heard from him since! It's now Thursday and since I started conversing with Ted last April, we haven't gone this long without emailing, texting or talking so something really really really is up. Not good.

I was actually pretty upset about it all earlier this week but now that it's Thursday, I'm handling it better I guess. Honestly, at this point I just want to know what's going on as the waiting and wondering is really HARD. I figure it's one of two things: (1) Ted freaked out and just ran away or (2) he's met someone else and doesn't know how to tell me.

This may sound naive but I really don't think it's number 2. I noticed he pulled away as soon as we got back from our vacation earlier this month and I doubt he had the chance to meet someone new that quickly. I really do think it's number 1.

So that said, I'm giving Ted all the space he apparently craves and I'm sure that at some point he will get back in touch. If for no other reason, I think the guilt will eventually get to him. And I'd like to think that at least some of the things about missing me were true so hopefully he's missing me right now. So I'm just going to let him miss me and expect that he will get in touch eventually and at least tell me what's going on with him.

Part of me thinks this all SUCKS hard and I really do miss what I thought we had but the other part of me is thinking that maybe this was a good thing to happen now, if it had to happen at all. It's very early days and although I'm really sad, I'm not as sad as I would be if I had a lot more energy and time invested in this relationship. If this is the guy he really is, then maybe it's best I find this out sooner rather than later. It's really disappointing as I had greater hopes for him but oh well...what can you do? It is what it is.

Another reason this is good that it is happening now is that if Ted was nothing more than a distraction for me, then it's good to get him out of the way before I let him interfere with my goal of becoming a mom. What if I had started to fall for him? Would I question my goal? Since he lives in a different state, I would have to at least consider relocating and if that were the case, I'd have to give up my goal of becoming an adoptive parent in my own state. I've put a great deal of work into this goal of mine and if Ted's not going to honor my soul's desire then best that he's gone sooner rather than later, I guess.

It does really suck though and I was hoping for a better outcome for us. I guess it could still happen of course if Ted decides to suck it up and deal with his issues. But right now it's not looking so great unfortunately. I guess time will tell on this one. But for now...I wait. And I really hate waiting. Ugh

Rollercoaster of Love

Now that it's been, oh, about 10 minutes since I last provided an update on my relationship with Ted, I thought it was high time to let you know where we stand right now, July 16, 2010 at 6:17pm. You can now get off the edges of your seats. I'm here to tell all.

Well actually, there's not a whole lot of "all" to tell. I've been out of town with my family and he's been in his city 450 miles south of here, doing his usual day to day routine, which doesn't include me.

I will say that Ted's really good about calling me so I've talked to him just about every day this past week. He'll call me on his way into work every morning--which is around 7:15am--and like some old, crazy person, I'm generally up by then, even though I'm out of work and should be sleeping in and living the life of Riley. But for some reason I can't sleep past 7am so I'll end up chatting with Ted while he drives to work. It actually works nicely, so no complaints there.

Even when we don't talk, there've been plenty of emails and text messages so yeah, I hear from him a lot. I'm actually pretty happy with the amount of contact we have. Thank you multi-media world of the new millennium for helping me keep in touch with my long-distance honey!

What I don't love is that he doesn't seem to want to see me! It's been two weeks since I got back from visiting him and still, there's no plan to get together again anytime soon.

It's not for lack of effort on my part either. I told him that I was starting my new job on July 29th (oh yeah by the way...I got a new job!) and that I'd love to have one last "hurrah" visit down to DC next weekend. He said his friends had invited him to their lake house but that he thought he could bring a guest so he would ask them and I'd book my flight. Fine. Sounds good right?

That conversation occurred on Monday so when I talked to Ted on Tuesday I asked if he'd spoken to his friends. "Um...no. I'll do it tonight". Well that night came and went and he didn't speak to them. So did the next night and the night after that. So on Thursday I sent him a text message saying that I had an itinerary on hold and to let me know what his friends said so I could pull the trigger on the flight. No response.

Ted finally called me this morning to say he just found out his friends were out of town and that he didn't feel comfortable inviting me along without checking with them, blah blah blah ... but he does want to see me! I said, of course, I certainly don't expect you to invite me to someone else's house without checking with them but I thought you were going to talk to them this week.

"I'm sorry," was his response. He said saw them Tuesday but there were people all around, blah blah blah and he didn't know they would be out of town today. Yeah okay, Ted. You had the better part of a week to check with them. Whatever.

He did say that he really wants to see me (uh huh) and that he's going to book a flight to come see me in .... September! September 17th to be exact. That's the weekend that I have the family's summer house reserved so I am going to be inviting all my friends down for a big party and Ted wants to come too. So yeah, Ted would like to see me in two and a half months at my family's summer house on the Cape. Hey, I'd love a free vacation in a summer house on the Cape too so of course he wants to see me then, right?

So how do I feel about a guy who doesn't want to see me for another two months? Well obviously I don't feel like he should be a major priority in my life right now. I can't sit here and put all my energy into a relationship with a guy that right now, I may see perhaps four times a year.

Not to mention, I worry about how much Ted seems to be drinking right now. Too many of his stories start with "I'm really tired today from staying out way too late last night". On Monday morning, his conversation included the sentence, "I needed to have someone piece together the events from last night" because he'd drunk so much, he didn't even remember how the night had ended. Lovely.

In all honestly, alcoholism is not an endearing trait to me, if you must know. It runs in my family and I don't want the father of MY children throwing back several drinks and passing out every night. Been there, done that and I'm not interested. That said, I am hoping that Ted's late-night partying is just a short-term thing -- it's summer and I'm having fun sort of situation. I don't know though so I'm just going to have to keep an eye on this. Time will tell.

I like Ted, a lot, and I think he likes me too. And maybe that's part of the problem. I think he's still reeling from his divorce earlier this year and he's told me on more than one occasion that he's not ready for a new relationship. So here I am, showing him all my awesomeness and I think he got totally freaked out. And that's why he's keeping me at arm's length until September. He likes me and he wants to see me but he's dealing with his own issues. Unfortunately, I think he's dealing with his issues by drinking way too much alcohol and avoiding me right now, so I'm not sure what will happen here.

I get that but you know what? I've got MY own issues too and I'm not interested in taking his on, thank you very much. So that said, I've decided that I'm going to put Ted on his very own back burner where I'll keep in touch and look forward to seeing him in two months but I will also hold onto my emotional energy so that I can focus on the things in life that are important to ME.

What's important to me? Well, I start my new job in just a week and a half and it's important to me that I am successful. Also, I've made it through my foster parent training and now I am one step closer to becoming a mom. That's super important to me. And who knows...maybe I'll meet a guy who's here and just a little more open to a relationship right now, which would be lovely. I do like Ted but he's not offering me anything substantial so I need to continue looking out for myself. Bring on the men! Bring it.

So that's my latest and greatest update on Ted's and my relationship. Unless something changes, this may be the last update I've got on Ted so yeah, enjoy this missive for what it is and feel free to read it over and over and over again until I've got another update for you. Probably sometime in September. Yeah, believe it or not though, that will probaly be here sooner than I realize. I can't believe it's already the middle of July so it's not going to be any surprise to me that the middle of September will be here in next to no time too. Time flies when you're having fun I guess.

I'm Back!

Hi all. I am back from a whirlwind trip across the mid-atlantic and southern states, where I visited the college boyfriend I never quite shook, Ted. We had an amazing four days together that went by waaay too quickly of course and now I'm home, tired, sunburnt and in need of a vacation to recover from my vacation. I had a great time and wish that weekend could have lasted forever.

I am a little concerned though. As great as the weekend was, I am not sure if it was much more than a quick blip in the overall scheme of things. What I mean is that I've heard from Ted since I've been back...there've been a few email exchanges here and there but really, after the weekend we had, where we shared anything and everything with one another, I pretty much expected more upon my return.

Overall Ted and I had an amazing time. We click in so many ways. As a matter of fact, at a few points there, I said to myself, why couldn't all relationships feel this easy, because it really was so easy to be with him. We're both really easy going people, we have many many many of the same interests, he makes me laugh and challenges my thoughts and believe it or not, we've even got similar family backgrounds.

So what's wrong? I've barely heard from him since I got back. When we were on vacation he did tell me how he's not ready for a super serious relationship yet and he's not ready to make me any promises (blah blah blah) but at the same time, he kept telling me how much he missed me and what a great time he was having with me and all that, so I really thought I was making cracks in that armor of his. But I guess he's home now and I'm back home too and the armor is back up and the conversation is limited to emails here and there. Hmmmm.

As much fun as I had with Ted this weekend, a roller coaster emotional relationship is certainly not something I'm interested in, as that would make me absolutely crazy. Isn't it possible to find a guy who's interested in a healthy, normal relationship and who's someone that I get along with really well??? Please tell me that I am not asking for too much!

Anyway, I'm trying to find the clarity in all of this and I went to the beach today with my good friend Beth who in my opinion, gives me the best advice of anyone. Beth is married to a great guy and the two of them love and respect each other very much and I just love the practical advice she imparts. Anyway, she said to me to see how this month (July) plays out and to see how Ted reacts. If he wants to get together at some point, great, move forward and see how things go. However if he does not make the overture, then it might be a goood idea to reconsider this relationship or whatever it is, and move on. I'm 40-"something" years old and I really don't need to be holding onto some dude who's not sure what he wants, when that's exactly what I had with Ted when we were 22 years old and it didn't work out. Yeah, I'd like to say that I've grown up in the last 20 or so years and don't want to make the same mistakes I made when I'd first graduated from college.

Not to mention, I'm really interested in having a child this year (hence the blog) and if Ted's not seriously going to be my "soulmate" then there is no reason to waste time on him because that is emotional energy that I could be channeling towards the child I plan to have. I would LOVE it if I could have the normal nuclear family and bring a child/children into a home with a loving mom AND a loving dad. But I cannot make anyone choose to change their life that dramatically so if he's not into it like I am then I need to continue on with my goals on my own.

Not to mention I do feel out of control in the Ted relationship, as he's the one kind of calling the shots right now (I'm not ready for anything serious, I can't make you any promises, etc. etc. etc.) so if I continue on with my goal of having a child, I at least feel like I'm in charge of something in my life. I have some control dammit! My goals and dreams are really important to me so it feels good to know that if I stay the course, good results could transpire. With or without Ted, I could become a mom in the next year and yes, I cannot wait!

My sister and family will be here for the next week starting tomorrow and I am totally looking forward to some total face time with my adorable niece and nephew who I love to death. I am going to have a wonderful time with them, relaxing on the beach, drinking a lot of wine and just feeling good about life. I am going to sit on the beach and reflect on my life and figure out what I will do going forward, depending on whether or not I hear from Ted. But the bottom line is, I am looking out for my own self-interests right now and if Ted wants to be a part of that, he's going to have to step up to the plate and make some sort of an effort. Because if he does not, I'm off achieving pretty awesome goals without him. And that, my dears, would truly be his loss.

Too Much Change!

I decided to begin this blog because I wanted a way that I could chronicle my journey to motherhood and I think I've done a great job of that. But the thing is, even as I'm trying to become a mom, I've had other "real world" issues start to suck away my attention and I feel like if I don't talk about the other big changes going on in my life, that I will just explode.

I know that I do write about Ted a lot and about the uncertainty surrounding our very new relationship. It stinks that it's still a very new relationship because we've been in contact since April and if he and I lived closer to each other, this relationship would be almost three months old and not quite so new anymore. But since he does live so far away, when I see him this weekend, this will technically be our second "date" and so yeah, our relationship is still very very new. Now granted, the date is going to be four days long so it's not your typical second date but it is still a second date in reality.

So yeah, since I'm going to see him tomorrow, I've started to feel REALLY nervous. And more emotional than I really thought I would. It's been great talking to him and emailing with him and sending texts and photos but they've all been at a distance. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to spend four days with him, nonstop. By the time I come back to Boston, I'm pretty sure that we're going to have had some conversation about where to go from here and I will either come home with a boyfriend...or not. And that's a really scary thought. That my life will be either very enriched or much emptier all of the sudden. The thought of it all is really freaking me out.

I don't want to put so much pressure on this brand new relationship but at the same time, it's been nearly three months and it's time to make some sort of a decision. As much as I'd like to just be easy breezy about it all, I'm really not sure if I can be. I know after the weekend Ted spent here, that I was a nervous wreck for the next four days, wondering what the hell he was thinking and if he would want to see me again. Am I going to be feeling that way again as of Tuesday? Yikes!

I really hope hope hope that he tells me what I want to here: That he really likes me, that he sees a future with me and that he wants to try and make it work. Am i going to hear that? I have no idea. And the not knowing is just tough.

On top of that, I am waiting to hear if I'll be offered a job that I've been interviewing for literally all month now. It's a great company, good money and the job sounds interesting and I've now met with nine people over there over the course of five interviews, so yeah, I feel very invested in this job and hope I get it. I really really really hope I get it actually. And once again, the not knowing is starting to really eat away at me.

I sent the HR rep I've been dealing with an email just to check in, as it's been a week since I last went in. She wrote back pretty quickly asking if I'd be available for a call later this afternoon. As I read that email, my heart started pounding in my chest because I thought "this is it". This is the call saying they want to see my references or that they are going in another direction and i don't get the job. No pressure here right?

I wrote her back asking what time I should be available and she hasn't written back. She hasn't written back I keep hitting refresh on my email every minute, hoping she'll come back with a time so I can just KNOW. But she's not writing me back and I'm just feeling frazzled at this point.

I am telling myself that if she were just going to tell me I'm not getting the job, that she wouldn't feel the need to schedule a call....right? She would just send me an email telling me i didn't get it. Or she would have called me right away to say I didn't get the job. Right??? Then again, she could be busy and might want to schedule the call so that she knows she's available. AAAAAAHHHHH! I just don't know!!

I am trying to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't get this job. If I have to keep interviewing, that's fine because I really haven't been out of work all that long and not to mention, I've got that displacement pay to tide me over until July 2011. I'm fine financially.

More than anything else, I've just emotionally invested myself into this job at this point and feel like I NEED to have it because I've already given so much of myself in the interviewing process. It is also a great job and really solid company and i feel like it would be a really good fit. But if it doesn't work out, it is so not the end of the world. I'll be fine. I will be just fine.

Of course, if for some reason I do not get this job, that would give me more time to work on this blog and hopefully take it somewhere profitable. I could work harder on getting followers and maybe somehow make a living off of this bad boy. That would be a pretty cool thing too, quite honestly.

I guess the good news is, within the next few days I will have answers to some of the huge questions that are making me very crazy right now. It understandable that I'm feeling pretty stressed out because these are both potentially life changing changes so it's no wonder I'm feeling so pressured right now. They're of course pretty awesome changes, provided they both work out. I just need to know at this point. I will feel much better once I know.

And with that, I'm going to go on a stress-relieving run. I definitely need a run today. I bet I will have a great one, what with all the adrenalin running through my body right now.

Goal Review

It's funny but when I started this blog, I thought I had my life kind of planned out. I was going to pursue motherhood as the number 1 goal in my life and write a blog about all the steps I would take along the way. I was going to continue with the IUI treatments for as long as I felt comfortable doing so and in the meantime, start the adoption process via the state's foster care system. Seems all well thought out and like a great plan right?

Well so a week after I leave my job, I receive the first email from Ted, the blast from my past boyfriend from my senior year in college. Although incredibly unexpected, that didn't change my plans of course because what's an email? Just a "hello" from someone I hadn't heard from in many many years.

But then that email turned into many more emails. And those emails turned into phone calls, which turned into a visit which turned into another planned visit. I will fly down to see Ted on Thursday in just three short days and we'll spend four days together. I figure that will be enough time to see if this relationship has any legs to it and we'll decide what the future holds for us, if anything, at that point. If Ted and I decide this weekend that we want to move forward with a relationship, this could change a few things.

I've already decided that while I'm considering a relationship with Ted, that I'm going to put the IUI treatments on hold for now. It's just too much for the beginning of a relationship and I really don't want to sabotage anything. It's a tough decision because I know that I don't have a ton of time left to get pregnant (if I can even still get pregnant) but I just don't think I could have that big a secret from him right now. It's just too much too soon. So i made the decision to put the IUI's on hold.

I am still attending the foster parent training classes but since the adoption process is so long and drawn out, i really feel like that I can continue with this option without it impacting my relationship, at this point. I have the benefit of time with this option and I definitely will take full advantage of it. I have three classes left, then move onto the home study, which will take a few months. And only after that will I begin to look at kids that I could adopt. That said, I've got until October before I have to make any sort of decisions on which way my life will go and hopefully I will know what the relationship holds for me by then. I'm really sure that it will all become quite clear by then so I'm not worried.

I did decide that I'm going to hold off on telling Ted what I'm looking into, just because I don't think it's necessary to scare the bejeezus out of the guy at this stage of the relationship. Nothing's been set in stone and since I'm putting the IUIs on hold, there is absolutely no urgency, so why freak him out???

I'm not exactly thrilled about keeping this information from Ted, since it's such a huge part of my life. But at the same time, I have to weigh my desire for total truth with what I think he could handle. And I'm not sure this is a bombshell topic that should be discussed just yet. I'd rather hold a few cards close to my chest right now than risk him running away for good. So yeah, mum's the word on becoming a mum. For now at least.

I will say I feel like having multiple options makes me feel a bit less stressed in the sense that I've got a back-up plan, regardless of what happens. I would love for the relationship with Ted to work out and that we get married, have babies and live happily ever after. But if that's not in the cards for whatever reason, at least I know that I'm still pursuing goals that are near and dear to my heart. I am not putting all my eggs (so to speak) in one basket with Ted and that does ease the pressure a bit.

Hopefully everything works out perfectly for me this year because after all, that's what we all want. Regardless, it's going to be quite a wild ride what with all the insane change I've got going on in my life right now. Should be an interesting year to say the least.

Today's Public Service Announcement

I finished Class number four of foster parent training last night and once again, my heart breaks for these poor little cherubs who've had to shoulder so much pain and suffering in their young lives. Sigh...the case studies we discussed last night really seriously make me want to cry. Little kids who've been molested by mom's boyfriend and then put into foster care because mom chose the boyfriend over her own child; children who don't even know how to bathe because they've been so badly neglected; And kids who hoarde food because they have no idea what stability is since they've been in five or six different foster homes over the course of their young lives. It's just ridiculously sad that this could happen to an adult, let alone an innocent child.

Okay ladies (and gentlemen), here's a message for you: Caring for a child is a true gift and if you're not ready for it .... then don't do it! Hello people. You have options. Women still have the legal option to terminate a pregnancy and there are Safe Haven laws in just about every state. If you do actually give birth and can't care for the baby, you can take advantage of the many social services available to you. Please ladies. Do the right thing by your children. They didn't ask to be born so you need to do the responsible thing and make sure they have the healthy happy future they deserve.

And that would be my public service announcement for the day. You may now carry on with your regularly scheduled programming.

Reminders Everywhere

I was just watching "Ellen", which is usually a big guilty habit of mine, now that I'm gainfully unemployed. It started off funny and interesting enough. Ellen was interviewing Heidi Klum and she was talking about the stolen photos that someone sold to the tabloids. I thought to myself, geez, I'm really glad i'm not a celebrity because i can barely handle writing a blog -- I post everything anonymously and even make up pseudonyms for my friends and family. I couldn't imagine having my entire life out on display like that. I'd cringe.

So that's the reflective mood I was in when Ellen moved onto the next segment with Heidi, which was, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant". In this segment, Heidi got to promote her new line of maternity wear by playing a game with Ellen. Six visibly pregnant women came out, Heidi and Ellen asked them questions and then had to guess if the qomwn were really pregnant or just faking (hence the title "Pregnant or Not Pregnant).

I will say that the women who were faking their pregnancies were lousy liars and it was pretty obvious they've never been pregnant before. But there was one woman that Heidi didn't even need to ask any questions of because she just knew the woman was pregant. Heidi said the woman glowed.

I looked closely at the woman and she was indeed glowing. She looked so happy. And I'm very happy for her but it just made me so sad for a few minutes because I want to glow too! I really really want a baby. Is it possible that I ever will?

I've also been shopping for pack 'n plays the last 24 hours because my sister is coming with her kids in a few weeks so I thought I'd have something available for Kacie to sleep in (she's 2). And seeing these beautiful babies in the photos...well wow. It's just hard. I have to keep myself from buying the high end pack 'n plays because well, at this point, what's the point? I'd so love a reason to have a good one though and think, is it possible if I buy one, that'll bring the babies to me? I know...not very logical but I guess I'm not feeling very logical right now.

Sadly, I appear to be faced with my own creeping age because the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, on absolute fire, and all I can think of is, great...hot flashes. Menopause. It's not that warm out so I can't blame the weather so all that i've got left is the big M. I can't believe it though. I'm only 43 years old. I am too young for this!

I went to "Sex and the City" last week (lousy movie...don't waste your time if you haven't seen it yet) and in it, Samantha is in full on menopause mode. But the thing is, Samantha is 52. I'm only 43. This is so not fair!

Is it possible to still get pregnant once you start getting these middle of the night hot flashes? I'm still getting my "monthly gift" and I'm pretty sure I was pregnant in April, even if it was only for like 10 minutes. Is it possible for the Universe to still hand me a gift and allow me to carry a healthy little baby boy or girl full term? I don't know.

Anyway, that's my mindset today and I am going to go to foster parenting class tonight because at least I know I can do that. This will be class four out of eight so after tonight, I'm halfway done. So that's good. I guess I will just focus on what I can accomplish right now and try not to think about the things I don't have much control over. It's just hard sometimes. Maybe I'll go cheer myself up with some chocolate right now....

Back to Reality

It's Monday, the sun has finally made an appearance after hiding behind many rain clouds for many days and I'm feeling more grounded than I did last week. I will definitely say that I was productive today: I did a volunteer project downtown (I taught English to African refugees), caught up with some friends and even set up a third interview for a new job. So, not a bad day at all. Not a bad day, indeed.

I was feeling all out of sorts last week because my visit with Ted went so well and after he left I started FREAKING OUT because after all, that's what girls do who don't know what the future of a relationship holds. Or at least that's what this girl does. So I did.

It's been such a LONG time since I had a great weekend with a guy...so long. And it was a little overwhelming (okay, a lot). I think I was living off adrenalin for the entire time he was here so once he left, I was like, okay now what do I do???

Not only did I feel a little lost but I was also wound up with thoughts like, Are we a couple? Does he like me? What's he thinking? When am I going to see him again? Am I going to see him again? Are we going to get married and have babies together??? You get the general drift. Anyway, all those thoughts really drove me totally batty last week and it was tough! I couldn't concentrate, my sleep was all messed up and my emotions were flying all over the place. Seriously, it was tough.

Thankfully my emotions have settled down this week and I'm able to function like a normal person again. The adrenalin has subsided and I've had a few really good conversations with Ted so I actually do know what he's thinking now. I like what he's thinking, now at least.

He was apparently freaking out last week and jumping WAY ahead. He wondered how we'd be able to live together with him living on a small boat in DC and working in Virginia, about 500 miles away from me. He said we really have a few things to figure out here if I am going to be moving in with him.

I was like, yikes! We spent a total of 36 hours together in the last 20 years and you're already discussing who's going to live where with who? Really??? No! Too soon!

I suggested to him that it might be a good idea to calm down about us moving in with each other and I suggested we spend a little more time together before we start making plans for the long-term future just yet.

(Meanwhile, who knew that Jax could be the voice of reason? Yeah, he really must have gone off the deep end if I am actually the voice of reason! I'm the person that would get married next week if given the right opportunity and a nice ring. But just don't tell Ted I said that).

Anyway, whatever I said must have resonated with Ted because he did indeed calm down and took it all a step backwards. What a relief. I just don't know if I could deal with his freaked out emotions on top of my frazzled nerves. A girl can only handle so much, you know?

So now we have plans to get together for the long holiday 4th of July weekend. This should be a real test of how well we get along, as it's going to be the most time we've spent together in a really long time. I actually feel pretty confident about it all but who knows. Life has thrown more than one crazy curve ball at me in the past so you jut never know for sure. I will say that I'm cautiously optimistic though.

I fly down to DC on July 1st and I'll stay down there until July 5th so this will be four completely uninterrupted days together. (Okay, well actually three uninterrupted days plus one day where he's got to work during the day but you get the idea.)

We've been emailing and texting a lot the last couple of days too so it's definitely been fun. He's funny and cute and smart and sigh...yeah I'm a smitten kitten. I think we'll have a lot of fun and I can't wait for that long holiday weekend to get here.

The only thing that makes me nervous is that I am still pursuing my own goals of having a child and I have no idea what he feels about that prospect. He told me today that he's buying a bigger boat, presumably because his current boat won't really hold the both of us for longer than a weekend, but honestly, I really don't want to be living on a boat, kids ro not. At least not a boat that he's buying. Let's just say Ted sent me the link to the ad for the boat he likes and it costs the same amount of money as my 2005 Toyota RAV-4 that I just bought used. I can't imagine living in my car but I'm not sure his boat is that much of an upgrade.

Not to mention, I just don't want to live on a boat! I have worked hard to save the money to buy a condo and then buy it and decorate and maintain everything. I love being a home owner and I don't want to give all that up to live on someone's random boat.

Hmmm...okay so maybe here I am going off the deep end and getting ahead of myself. He hasn't said that he wants me to live on his boat with him and who's to say that this boat can't be sold when we're ready to settle down. It's all still early days so I should probably take my own advice and calm down.

I do think that it's probably time to get out in the open that I'm making every effort to become a mom though. I certainly can't lie to him if he asks what kind of class I'm taking on Tuesday nights and I don't want to trap him into anything without his knowledge and consent either. So yes, time to clear the air here. I guess that conversation will happen when I get down to DC. Scary but hopefully he and I will be on similar paths. I really do like Ted and I'd like to make a future happen. Wish me luck, that's all I can say.

A Blast From The Past Returns

I've had quite the weekend and today I've got an interview and then foster parenting class tonight, so I don't have a ton of time to write. No rest for the weary and all that. But I did want to get online and share the details of my weekend before I forget. It was quite fun.

Not sure who has read back to the beginning of this blog but a few posts ago I mentioned a blast from the past boyfriend who had reappeared out of nowhere to cause quite a stir in my life again. I'd called him "Ted", mostly because I really like the Ted Moseby character on "How I Met Your Mother". (Have you met my friend Ted??). He seems like a really sweet guy and I think this Ted is too. Anyway, fake Ted came and visited me this weekend and needless to say, we had a pretty cool time. So I thought I'd share a few of the details at least.

He got here pretty late on Friday night because he drove about 8 hours after work in heavy traffic to come see me (sounds romantic doesn't it???) It was a little awkward at first because, well, honestly I hadn't seen him since I was 23 years old. And yeah, that was quite a few years ago.

Funny thing though. We stayed up for a while talking and stuff and by the time morning came around, I actually felt pretty comfortable with him and pretty quickly too.

It's weird because I've re-met a few people from way back when and I've often found that we've both changed into very different people and then didn't have much in common anymore. But that didn't seem to happen with Ted. The stuff we did have in common that made us compatible way back when seems to still be there. He's really easy to talk to, he's got a goofy sense of humor like mine and he's super energetic, like I am.

But there are new things too. Like he is a runner now and has even run a marathon. Meanwhile, I'm a runner now and plan to run my first marathon in the fall (Go Dublin!) We actually talked about going running this weekend (he brought his running gear) but it was a really busy weekend and there was just no time. But it's nice to have a common interest with him like that.

So Ted passed my test but the bigger test was whether or not my friends would like him and ... I am happy to say that he passed with flying colors. I took him as my "Plus One" to my friend Michelle's wedding and he was the perfect wedding date. He was very attentive, friendly to my pals and just very fun to be around. Oh and I will also say he looked very handsome in his gray suit and maroon tie, which my girlfriends indeed noticed. I've been looking at the pictures I posted on Facebook and I just think he's incredibly hot looking in a suit. I do always love a man in a suit. Yum!

Something I was happy about as well was that we really had the opportunity to talk this weekend and not only catch up on our lives but to also put some closure to what happened with us the first time around. It was really interesting to hear his take on how our relationship ended because it was quite different from my point of view and that was surprising to me.

Ted asked me how we ended and I was like, "um you broke up with me". He strongly denied that allegation though so I took the time to remind him of the circumstances: He called me up one night, told me he was moving away to Wyoming and that this was something he needed to do. I had asked him when he was moving and he said "next week". I was pretty shocked and asked how come this was the first time I'd heard of this. His response: "I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd talk me out of it and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".

When I reminded him of this discussion he replied, "well yeah, but that wasn't a break up call". I just laughed because well, what else could it be? He was calling me to say he was moving away and said he had no plans to see me again. To me that means we're breaking up. But apparently he saw it as just on a break, as opposed to breaking up. I think he thought he could go off and do his thing for as long as he needed to (including hooking up with other girls) and that I'd be back here waiting for him when he was ready to be the Prodigal Son returning home. Hahaha, yeah, I didn't sign up for that, needless to say and definitely moved on with out him. So when he came to visit his family about a year later and we got together for dinner, I guess he was a little surprised that I (a) brought a friend with me and (b) when I drove he got stuck sitting in the back seat! That was a shocker to him. Haha. I bet it was.

He was pretty blown away by the conversation and all I could think was, can guys really be this clueless??? Well I think we do all know the answer to that question.

He said some incredibly sweet things after that. He was sorry for hurting me and he didn't realize that he was even doing that. He just wasn't ready to grow up yet and was feeling pressured to do so. He knew we had a pretty great relationship but he was young and didn't realize how special it was. He thought, well, this must be how all relationships are. But he discovered in this great big life of his that it wasn't the case. And now he feels bad for wasting so much time in between because if he'd gotten his brain together quicker, we could have been together sooner. Those are some of the sweetest things anyone has ever really said to me, I have to say. I'm getting a little teary just thinking about the conversation actually.

Anyway, the weekend absolutely flew by and next thing you know, Ted had to leave to drive back home. So it was a whirlwind visit but since he had no idea what to expect out of me after so many years, it didn't really surprise me that he made sure to have such a quick trip. As far as he knew, I could have gained 50 lbs and sprouted a goiter in my back or something (I didn't on either count, for the record).

I've heard from Ted via phone, email and text since he left and he's told me that he had a great time here with me and that he wants me to come visit him at some point too. And he made mention of coming back to visit me too, so I am thinking this relationship might have legs. I hope at least. But I don't want to say too much because who knows what will happen. No jinxing, no way!

By the way, Ted has no idea about my baby plans just yet because honestly, that's an awful lot to spring on a guy who's visiting me for the first time in a gazillion years. And who's been divorced for all of six months too, I might add. I took him to a wedding, introduced him to a bunch of my friends and frankly, that's enough for one weekend. Baby talk will come at some later point when I feel the time is right. I do know he wants kids because he said one of the reasons he got divorced is because he wanted kids and his wife did not. So that's a good sign there at least. I don't know how he'd feel about my fertility issues but once again, a conversation for another day.

So now I am off to get ready for my interview and with that I shall bid you adieu for the day. Cheerio!

They Said What???

Happy June everybody! And by everybody I mean the three friends and family members who are currently my "followers" here at the "Baby Steps" blog. Hmmm...I really do need to figure out how to market this blog so people can find me easier. And by "easier" I really mean "at all", because right now I think I'm pretty invisible to the rest of the world. I discovered the other day that even if I type the exact name of my blog into Google, my blog does not appear in the results list. And that is a bit problematic if I am trying to turn blogging into a lucrative career. Generally to make money off your work, you need to have people actually read your work and if they can't find your work, they probably won't read it. Funny how that works.

Anyway, I went way off topic there for a minute but now I am back. Today's post is going to be about people's reactions to my telling them that I am planning to adopt a child through foster care. Yes, I started telling people this because I am tired of keeping the secret all to myself and also, I felt like maybe this was a little less controversial a subject than telling people that I plan to conceive a child on my own.

That may be true but I've certainly had an interesting array of responses from people, some good, some not so good. The most interesting (and by interesting I mean obnoxious) response came indirectly via my neighbor and friend, Lynne. She had a little pillowtalk going on with the guy she's dating I guess and so she told him my plan one evening when they were chatting. According to Lynne, her male friend was not exactly supportive of my decision and told her so in very plain terms. His response to her comment was, "tell her not to do that. Jax is a pretty girl and I'm sure she can get herself a husband. No guy's going to want her if she's got a kid. Tell her to go get a husband instead." Wow. Tell me how you really feel, buddy.

So yes, this guy, who's pushing 50 years old and has never had a long-term relationship thinks that I will take advice from him? I certainly hope not. But yeah, still a pretty mean thing to say, although in his defense, he probably didn't realize that Lynne would be telling me what he said, verbatim. Lynne does actually need to learn how to sugarcoat her words as she tends to get herself into trouble with what she says sometimes, but that's a different topic for an entirely different day. Regardless though. Keep those thoughts to yourself, buddy. Thanks.

Another reaction came from a long-time friend who is going through a big transition in life herself so we've had many a long conversation about life and what our next steps should be. She's recently married, planning to relocate to her husband's city (many many miles away) and very worried about the Future and the Great Unknown out there, which is far away from her home, her family and all the security she has in life. She's a bit freaked out about all the change going on in her life, to say the least.

Anyway, that said, I told her about all the fertility issues I went through and how I needed to change course at this point, blah blah blah. She's only a few years younger than I am and I told her everything I was dealing with because I wanted her to be forewarned. I would have LOVED it if someone were this blunt with me when I was 39 because maybe I wouldn't be in the place I'm in if they were. Sadly, that wasn't meant to be though and so I just do what I can for others now.

After I told her all about my recent rollercoaster ride, her response to me was, "maybe it's good that all this happened, Jax. Because now maybe you could instead focus just on helping other people have babies and not worry so much about you having a child yourself".

Um really?? So what she was saying was, "don't try to have a kid yourself...just help other people have kids." Oh yes, now that's what I call fulfilling!

I of course told her that was not going to happen and after she realized what she had said and how it had come out, she did apologize and took her words back. She does think foster care adoption is an admirable decision and so I think she just spoke in the moment without thinking about what she was saying before she said it. And she apologized, I accepted her apology and that was that. It was kind of hurtful in the moment but what am I going to do?

Moving on, I am seeing my friend from high school later today, the one who hasn't been all that supportive of my choice in the past and who I decided not to confide in any further. However I did tell her I take a class on Tuesday nights and she of course asked me, what class am I taking. I wasn't in the mood to tell her on the phone that I am taking a parenting class through the state's Department of Children and Services so I just told her at the time, "long story" and left it at that. But I'm sure she's going to ask again when I see her and this time I will have to spill the beans. I'm not really interested in hearing anybody else's reaction anymore though so I don't know, perhaps I'll kind of brush it off so I don't have to hear, "why would you want to do that???" again. I don't know. We'll see.

So that said, I do have class tonight and maybe I'll ask the other people if they are getting weird reactions from people they tell their plans to, as well. I think it's definitely different for me as I'm single and a 40-year-old single woman is still a freak of nature to many people. And so add an adopted kid into the mix and people really have no idea how to react. But I would like to hear other people's thoughts too so I will ask. So stay tuned for their responses. I will let you know as soon as I know myself.

Talk about a Big Family...

I just saw this video on on cnn.com about a woman in Niteroi, Brazil who is raising 50 children (!!) on her own. This family consists of her four biological children and the 46 kids she adopted after they had been abandoned.

www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2010/05/25/tst.brazil.50.kids.adopted.rttv?iref=allsearch

Anybody who is this dedicated to children simply deserves to be commended. God bless you lady!

The Foster Adoption Path

Okay, so it seems I may be ready to perhaps start coming to terms with the fact that my fertility is not exactly what it used to be. Which is to say I think it's just about gone. As much as I'd love to have a child biologically, I'm not sure that it's really possible at this point. Sad but true and maybe it's just time I saw the truth.

So this week I took another step away from biological conception and closer to the foster adoption path: I attended my first foster adoption parenting class through my state. Oh yes, one class down...seven to go.

This class is designed to help those of us blessed enough to come from somewhat "normal" backgrounds understand and deal with the issues children from the foster system may have. These kids have all suffered some form of neglect and/or abuse and obviously, that's pain that's going to stick with you. I can't even imagine what they've had to go through and at such a young age too. It just saddens me, really.

The first class really could have been called "Social Work 101" as we went over the reasons a child is placed into foster care, the feelings that these kids most likely have and the behaviors they exhibit. The social workers mentioned a few cases that they've seen over the years and I will say by the end of the evening, we were all pretty depressed. Thank goodness they served us pizza because we needed one bright spot to the night!

I can't really talk too much about the class as it needs to remain confidential, for obvious reasons. What I can say though is that I left the classroom feeling good about my decision to adopt through the foster care system. I really want to give soe children the unconditional love they deserve, not to mention just a better, safer home. I know I can do that (admittedly, with the backgrounds these poor kids have, the bar is set pretty low but I intend to raise it dramatically).

I say "children" instead of "child" because I think I've made the decision, finances willing, to adopt at least two siblings. That's because honestly at this point, I want an instant family and might as well get it all done at once. Plus I think it would be easier to adopt a baby or toddler if there was an older sibling included in the package and I really do still want a baby.

I told this to a good friend of mine today who adopted her little girl through foster care and she thought it was a great idea. That made me feel pretty awesome because I consider her an expert on this process, since she successfully nagivated the rough foster adoption waters herself.

I appreciate that she understands my need for the "instant family". Now two years after adopting her little "princess", she's looking into going through the process again so her daughter can have a little brother or sister but it's time consuming.You really do have to go through the entire process all over again. There are parenting classes and home studies and safety assessments and social worker visits, etc. etc. I personally would like to avoid all that duplicated work and just get it out of the way once and for all. Plus, like I said, I'd really just like a family pronto. I'm not getting any younger, you know?

The only wild card in all of this is finances. I'm not exactly rolling in money and right now I am unemployed. I'm getting paid for the next year from my old job but frankly, I was underpaid and I live in a pretty expensive city. I just bought a new car and have owned my condo for only six months, so my savings has really taken a hit in the last year as well. I just don't know how I could afford multiple kids right now.

That said, I do know that I can and will get another job at some point, hopefully not too far into the future. And I know that I will only accept a job if it pays the market rate and in my industry, that's not too shabby. So there are definitely things I can do to improve my finances. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually date a guy who'd like to share this dream with me. That would offset my costs by half, leaving me with a savings safety cushion, if I should ever need it (romantic sounding, isn't it???)

Plus, this isn't all going to happen tomorrow. I've got to get through the classes and the home study and I won't be able to even begin looking for children until the fall. That's a full four months away. And a lot can happen between now and four months away.

So the way I look at it, I'm going to set the goal that I am going to become a mom to two siblings, one a baby or toddler and the other a few years older. That way the Universe can help me gain the resources I need to make that goal a reality. So there it is. Let me know what you think, Universe. How are we going to make this happen?

Send a Prayer

My blogs are so often about me but today I wanted to send out some happy thoughts to a couple of friends of mine: Kelly and Rich, who just had a set of twins a full seven weeks premature. I don't know a lot of the details at this point but I have heard that Twin A (a girl) is doing fine but that Twin B (a boy) is sick and not doing as well. So please, any prayers you have for those wee ones would be much appreciated.

Hopefully everything turns out okay and the twins grow up healthy and strong. I know that this couple is an amazing pair and are going to be fantastic parents. But right now, that little guy of theirs has a fight ahead of him and he's going to need all the help he can get.

So thank you in advance for any and all thoughts and prayers you can send their way. With any luck, my next update will contain the happy news that the twins are doing great and that mom and dad are loving their new chaotic loved-filled but sleep-deprived lives. We can only hope.

We Are Family

It's been a couple of days since my last post -- six days to be exact -- and that's because I've been crazy busy spending time with family...and it felt great.

In 1936, my grandmother and her brother bought a pretty amazing beach house in a shore community about two hours away from my house and now, generations later, my whole family (uncles, aunts, cousins, first cousins, second cousins twice removed, etc.) owns this house. We each have time allocated to us on a schedule and everyone looks forward to their beach house time every single year. We do not rent it out but keep the house strictly within family. It's a pretty amazing place.

Of course, this house hasn't become amazing on its own. It requires a lot of work! Especially since it's right on a point and gets slammed by storms and salty wind and rain on a constant basis.

So that said, every spring, my extended family organizes a family "work weekend" at the summer house, to get it all shaped up and ready to open up for the summer season. Depending upon how many people we have, we'll figure out some pretty big projects to tackle over the course of a weekend. For example, the boys will be outside shingling the shed roof or rebuilding a door frame (I have a bunch of carpenter-ish family members..lucky me) while the girls work inside, painting, washing windows and just organizing everything the way it needs to be organized prior to opening the house for the season.

I have to say that I love this special house and this beautiful beach community and I feel totally blessed to have this wonderful home in my family. The house is so peaceful and quiet, sitting alone like a solitary beacon at the mouth of the town's harbor. The water is a few hundred yards away from the back steps and we find comfort in hearing the boat motors as they leave harbor every early morning in search of a full catch of fish. I love the memories that I created here and I really look forward to creating more in the future, with my children.

I also love working with my family and all the fun we have together when we're here. So many inside jokes came out of this weekend that I couldn't even begin to explain them all. We worked hard but we definitely played hard too. (No wonder I'm so exhausted now!) I'm still laughing at some of the silliness that took place this weekend.

Aside from the house itself, the other thing I love above all else is the feeling of my family all around me when I am here. I don't get that a lot, since I live alone (just me and my cat) so when I spend time with my extended family, I just feel...loved. And nurtured. It's a great feeling.

When people ask my why I want to become a mom, I wish I could take them to my family's beach house for the weekend and let them feel the experience that I feel. Because then I think they'd understand better why I want to be a mom. I am looking for my family.

It's funny how quickly you get used to being part of a tribe again too. Since I live alone, obviously I spend a lot of time on my own and I feel like I do pretty okay on my own. But as soon as I get here to the beach, I'm surrounded by people pretty much 24x7, since we do share bedrooms. I feel I adapt to the togetherness of the family pretty quickly. And it's obvious that I do love it.

But then eventually, it's time once again to adapt to being alone again. When the weekend ends, so does the togetherness. This is always the hardest part for me: going back home. After three full days and nights with family, I had gotten used to being around people all the time and I loved it. Of course, if I ever felt like I needed a little break, I could just take a walk on the beach (which I totally did every night!) but it was nice because at the end of the walk, there the family was, waiting for me to become a part of the circle once again.

So yes, now I am home again and although I was excited to come home, watch the series finale of "Lost" and get a good night's sleep, I couldn't help but feel a little sad because I'd left all the people I love behind. When I left the beach house, I had left my brother, his wife and two kids that I absolutely adore back there, cooking dinner and drinking wine (the parents of course, not the kids). They did ask me to stay for dinner but I was exhausted and wanted to get on the road before it got dark. Plus leaving later would only delay the inevitable. I had to go home sometime.

So now that I'm home again, alone, listening to the whirring of the air conditioner in the window, I am telling myself, this is only short term. Someday soon this house of mine will be full of noise and laughter and tons of love. I know it. I will have what my brothers and sister have. I will have a family of my own! Until then, I will hold onto the memories of a pretty great weekend with my family and laugh over the crazy inside jokes we created. And then I will go to bed and sleep like I've never slept before. Good night!

Taking a Big Leap

I just took one great big step towards motherhood and I'm REALLY excited about it!

Yesterday morning, a social worker from a local private agency came by to meet me, introduce me to the program and to do a basic overall assessment of the house. She wanted to make sure that the house was safe and had heat, electricity and running water, you know all the basics of modern living. (Good thing she didn't come by two days ago when there was a water main leak outside and the city shut off our water to fix it though!)

So of course before she came, I spent two crazed days cleaning the place top to bottom, finishing up those niggly little tasks that get blown off because you just can't be bothered and clearing out all the extra stuff that I realized I really didn't need after all. When I was done, I was thrilled because my spare bedroom actually looked like a bedroom, not a landfill where old useless boxes of stuff had gone to die. My piles of paperwork had all been neatly filed away and the house was so clean, you could even eat off the kitchen floor (which the cat regularly does, by the way). I felt quite the sense of accomplishment.

So here I am completely thrilled that I have this clean and organized house...only to meet with the social worker who, with only a few checks off on her photocopied safety sheet, creates a brand new Mommy To Be To Do List of home projects for me. This totally figures.

What happened here?? Well, although my house is safe for the average adult, it's not even remotely child-proof, which really shouldn't be surprising, considering I've never had a child before so this is all virgin territory for me. So yes, in the 10-minute span that Ms. Social Worker worker walked through my 900-square-foot home with her checklist, I had a brand host of tasks added to my To Do List: add screens to all my windows, plug all the electrical outlets, install child-proof latches on all my cabinets and replace the open shelving in my hallway that stores all my bath and beauty products with a cabinet that has secured doors. I also need to buy both a bed and a crib (a pack and play will do for starters) and any other kid-related furniture as well. And this is all just to pass the next safety assessment. That doesn't obviously include all the clothes, gear and toys that a child will need once he or she comes to live with me, which is all extra. Yikes...this is all getting a bit scary. And expensive!

Well, all I can say to that is...it's probably a good thing that I don't have a job right now because this is all going to take some serious time! Not to mention money, so it's also a good thing that my former job is paying my bills for the foreseeable future. Thank the Universe for small miracles there.

Madame Social Worker did tell me that I had a really nice condo and she thought my second spare bedroom would make for a perfect nursery. While we stood in there, I told her all my plans to decorate and I think she became just as excited as I was as I set the scene. I said, "picture this...mint green walls with big purple elephants dancing across them and white curtains for the windows." I swept my arms to the left and to the right as I described the vision I had for a baby changer here and a rocking chair over there. Lady Social Worker nodded her head as I described the valance and curtains that would cover the windows and the closet-full of baby clothes I would hopefully soon have as well. It was quite an image and I do think Ms. Social Worker was seeing it along with me, which of course is pretty great.

In addition to showing off my awesome house with pictured scenes of what it would look like when I had kids here, I also made sure that Madame Social Worker knew that have one other pretty awesome thing going for me as a prospective Parent in the Foster System: I don't need daycare. I don't need to spend extra money to have some stranger watch my kids and I get to spend more time with them to help get them settled in as well. Madame Social Worker definitely agreed that this was a major benefit too.

So between my "setting the scene" and sharing the pro's of ME, I am hoping that this puts the little bug in her head to think of me when there's a baby available. Ultimately, I would really like to parent a baby, starting as early in the development process as possible. I've always wanted a biological baby but if that isn't meant to be then at least I should be able to adopt one. Seems only fair!

That is of course, if a baby becomes available. In speaking to my lovely social worker, I learned that the entire adoption process, from start to finish, could be complete as soon as the end of the year but more than likely, would be complete by next March, provided I am not too limiting in my options. Babies could obviously take longer to find but I could shorten the process if I'm willing to take multiple siblings, which is definitely an option. I have two spare bedrooms so the state would be happy to bless me with a sibling group.

Madame Social Worker did mention that the entire process could be shorter for me since I don't have a partner that needs to be included. So I guess there's one benefit of being single right there.

So the next step for me now is parenting classes and I will begin that six-week program next Tuesday. After that, I move onto the Home Study and then into full on search mode. The social worker said that it could take anywhere from a few months to a year to be placed with a child but that the parents who see earlier success are often the ones who make more of an effort themselves. She said that waiting for the agency to bring children to me would draw the process out and I assured her that I would be as proactive as possible.

Once I've been placed with a child, I will start to have visits with him or her. This is to make sure that it's a good fit for both of us and I should really use that time to make sure this is feeling right for me. I will say that this is one great benefit of adoption through foster care over international adoption. With an international adoption, you get what you get and hope for the best but with foster care adoption, you can back out at any time in the process so it's definitely a lot less scary. (That incident where the Tennessee woman sent her adopted son back to Russia with a note attached to him because she couldn't deal anymore, comes to mind here.)

After that, if both the child and I decide this is a good fit, we will move forward and within a few months, hopefully the child will be mine, both legally and emotionally. This is pretty great because I told myself that I was going to become a mom in the next year and it does look like, barring any unforeseen problems, that this goal is FINALLY within reach. I couldn't be more thrilled!

So yes, next stop parenting classes. I will be sure to let you know how my first class goes once I've made it through and I am so excited to finally feel like I'm moving forward in my goal. It feels like it's taken WAY too long. But finally...forward movement and it feels GREAT!

I've Got a Secret

Secrets, secrets and more secrets. That's what my life has become chock full of ever since I decided to pursue single motherhood. I struggle every day with what to tell people about my Big Life Choice and how much to tell them because I just don't know what people's reactions will be. So the question is, what do I say about my Choice and who do I say it to? In the end, I really do want and need emotional support and it would be a great weight off my shoulders if this is one secret I didn't need to keep locked up inside The Vault.

I have a good friend named Amy who became a single mom in 2008. She had spent several years going through IVF treatments and when they were ultimately unsuccessful, she adopted a beautiful little boy who is the biggest joy in her life and a pretty cute kid, to boot. That said, I have looked to Amy for guidance and so when she told me to be careful about who I tell my plans to because not everyone will be supportive, I took her advice to heart and kept my mouth shut, except for a few trusted people. But even some of them turned out to be a disappointment to me in the end.

I told a total of seven people about my plans because I thought they would be the most supportive of my choice. Included on that list were three of my oldest friends from high school, three people who've navigated this road themselves and also my younger sister.

For the most part, I've found that the people I told have been incredibly supportive of my choice, just as I figured they would be. My sister even agreed to take care of my child in the (god forbid) event that some awful tragedy should befall me. This was a HUGE weight off my shoulders because more than anything else, I wanted to make sure my child would always be cared for even if I couldn't be the one to do it.

I was surprised by one friend's reaction to my choice though. She's one of my oldest friends from high school, married with two children and she adores her kids. So I naturally just assumed that she'd be thrilled that I want to become a mom too. Boy was I wrong there!

Once she realized that I was serious, I heard nothing but non-stop judgments from her: What if I had a baby with issues? Do you know how hard it is to take care of a child with issues? What if I had twins? How would I care for them? What if I lost my job? What if I had to take a pay cut? And here was the real kicker: Why don't I just help out some moms who need a little helping hand instead of having my own baby? The judgments and recriminations were non-stop and I got incredibly fed up.

She and I ended up having a huge fight last summer that ended with me telling her, "my decision is made and it's final. So you can either choose to support me or not but I am going ahead with having a baby and there is NOTHING you can do to change my mind". And I really meant it too.

We didn't speak for a few days after that but once she realized I wasn't going to back down, she did finally come back and apologize for her comments. My friend vowed to be more supportive of my choices after that and she hasn't said anything negative since then, although I do wonder what she's thinking and if she's just keeping her negative thoughts to herself. But you know what? I can't change what people think so as long as she's being at least outwardly supportive, that's all I can hope for I guess.

Another long-time friend had a similar reaction, although her responses were not quite so dramatic. Leslie just couldn't understand why I would want to have a baby on my own, since it's such hard work and wouldn't I just want to enjoy my life as a single person instead? She kept reminding me that right now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without some kid constantly hanging off a leg, screaming, crying and annoying me. I could sleep till 10:00 if I so choose and sit outside doing nothing, all because I can.

Although what she says is certainly the truth, she doesn't seem to understand that in choosing to have a child of my own, I AM doing exactly what I want and that I look forward to waking up early and having kids hang off my leg and screaming "Mommy!!" in the grocery store. Sure, sleeping late and lounging around the house feel great but in the long run, they aren't exactly fulfilling goals. So that said, let's just say at this point, she and I choose to agree to disagree and I've decided not to discuss my plans with her anymore.

I will say that these two friends really piss me off because they are both moms themselves, clearly adore their children and think it's the most fulfilling job they have. But then they turn around and tell me that I shouldn't become a mom because I don't have a husband yet? I am certain that, god forbid, something should happen to their husbands, that they would not put their kids up for adoption because they don't have a father for their children anymore. So why is it all right for them to raise kids potentially on their own but not all right for me? It just doesn't seem quite fair and it really made my blood boil. It still does!

In speaking to more supportive friends and family, they remind me that these two women's reactions are more about them than me and that I shouldn't really take what they say to heart. I agree and know that these are two women that have struggled with parenthood and with their marriages so it's probably not too surprising that they would come across more negatively than my friends who are happier in their lives. Both women have had difficult marriages over the last few years and one has a special needs child and financial difficulties to boot, so life has not always been easy for them. I do get that. But at the same time, it would be nice if they could take their own issues out of the equation and just focus on supporting ME for a little while. This isn't about them...it's about me. But perhaps that's asking too much, I don't know.

I also think that for these ladies, having babies happened very easily or even by chance (oops!) and that they don't necessarily appreciate what's been handed to them so easily. It hasn't been quite such a breeze for me though. I've had to work incredibly hard to become a mom and I know that when it happens for me, I will cherish every second of that opportunity because it's something that I want more than anything and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Not so for those gals. One of the friends prides herself on her fertility, saying that she got pregnant on her first try each time she wanted to have a baby.

Lately, I've started telling a few people that I'm considering adopting through the foster care system (since IUI has been such an unsuccessful process up to this point) and I've found that their reactions to that announcement are generally more positive than when I've told people that I was planning to conceive on my own through donor sperm. It's interesting that people think it's more socially acceptable, even admirable, for a single woman to raise a foster care child than it is to conceive one on your own. This all despite the fact that foster care children come with a host of emotional problems that a biological child would not have and that I would have to deal with all those issues on my own. You'd think they'd be more concerned about the costs and the emotional toll and lack of support of raising a foster care child but that doesn't seem to be the case. Go figure.

I think that in reality, none of this has anything to do with all those logical points listed above and more to do with people's emotional reactions based on society and their personal religious beliefs. Generally, I've found that people believe that even a single parent home is better than a foster home and that in this case, I'm doing something to make the world a better place. Whereas having a baby on my own and choosing to be a single mom is not the "Christian" thing to do. Okay, I get that. But growing up, I remember always hearing, "babies are a miracle from God" and I really do believe that so isn't having a child born into a loving home the good, Christian thing to do, regardless of how traditional or untraditional the parenting relationship is? I definitely think so!

So all that said, it's been quite the learning experience, finding out who's on my side ultimately and who isn't and it's made me feel much closer to the people who do support my decisions while making me back away from the people who don't. All I can really do is live my life the best way that I can and make choices based on integrity, honesty and love. If I know what I am doing is the right thing for me, for my child and for the world as a whole, that's really all that should matter. And so that's what I shall focus on going forward. The naysayers, well, I just take their comments with a grain of salt. They certainly don't live their lives based on what I say, so why should I live my life based on their opinions?

Bring on the men!

Sigh...I really miss having a boyfriend. I really, really do. Actually it's been quite some time since I've had a "real" long-term relationship and I seriously hope that my Mr. Right is coming in the forseeable future. I just really love being in a relationship and I love men. I love the feel of a guy, the way he smells when he first gets out of the shower and of course all the "benefits" of having a boyfriend too (wink wink, you know what I mean, right?)

Of course, having no permanent man in my life is the main reason I've decided to have a child on my own and I've made my peace with that for now. However, that doesn't mean I want to stop dating and join a nunnery or anything like that. Heck no! Bring on the men! I'm still hoping for that long sought for "happily ever after" even if it's coming slightly out of order.

I've dated a little here and there and hope that eventually, one of these dates will turn into something more long term. That said though, now I've got a new quandary, which is, when do I tell a guy I'm dating that I am pursuing motherhood and guess what, the kid won't be yours?

According to friends, this is a very real possibility and could have a very happy ending too. My good friend Amy became a single parent last year and she told me that when she was pregnant, she had no problem meeting guys. She even became engaged to one, although she ended up breaking things off before they got married.

My friend Beth told me of another friend who met a guy when she was pregnant and he wanted to marry her as well. So clearly it can happen and it's something to think about for sure.

It's such a balancing act because I want to be honest with my dates but also don't want to put too much pressure on a potential relationship at the same time. The problem is, guys freak out SO easily and the last thing I want is to send some poor sap running for the hills by even casually mentioning babies or egads, biological clocks. Bring up the words "The Future" and the next thing you know, you'll be sitting alone in a restaurant wondering what that breeze was you just felt across the back of your neck (it was the whooshing of the door slamming shut as your date went running out onto the street, by the way).

I am not actively pursuing a relationship because I'm trying not to complicate my life too much right now. But then again, a relationship sure would feel good and I can't exactly turn down any potential opportunities now can I? What if Mr. Right walks through the door right now? Wouldn't I have to at least try to make a go of it? I'd be a fool not to, ireally.

So right now, I'm chatting with a few guys on a dating website, hanging out with friends at sporting events and even hooking up via Facebook. Last month, my boyfriend from my senior year of college friend requested me out of the blue and it's been wonderful reconnecting with him, after all these years. He lives about 400 miles away and is still reeling from the aftermath of a painful divorce but hey, if I take things slowly with him, who knows what could happen right?

My long lost friend (we'll call him Ted) has told me that he's not looking for anything serious right now and we haven't even seen each other in person yet so there's certainly no urgency at this point. But I'm really enjoying the conversations and there has been talk about a get-together so if all this moves forward, I may need to tell him by Big Secret.

And who knows...maybe he'll take it well (should I cue laughter here??)

Then again, I know I need to be realistic here. Ted appears to be in full-blown mid-life crisis mode after ending a 10+ year marriage and is clearly trying to relive the good old days while battling through some not so good emotions right now. I do wonder if contacting me out of the blue is more a symptom of his current situation than any sort of Divine Intervention so I'm trying not to get too dreamy about it all.

I will say that Ted and I really did have some amazing times together and hearing from him is reminding me what a sweet, loving, innocent relationship we had back in the day. Aaah the good old days.

We had met during spring break in the Bahamas and hit it off right away, in only that way that innocent kids with stars in their eyes can form an instant connection. We only had a few days together on that trip but he promised to call me when he got back to his school, which was about three hours away from my school and across a fairly large southern state. He called right after I got back and soon thereafter, we picked up where we had left off on those sandy Bahaman beaches. Initially, we spent hours talking on the phone to each other (to the point where he had to ask his mother for help paying his skyrocketing phone bills) but soon we moved onto alternating visits to each other's campuses, with me usually bringing a girlfriend (or two along) for the ride and with him showing up on my doorstep generally on his own.

We had a great spring and summer together, enjoying springtime parties, festive graduations, and week-long vacations together visiting his family on the beaches of Florida and mine in the suburbs of New England. We were just starting to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives and it was an exciting time indeed, made even more exciting by the fact that we were so happy and in love.

That all changed one day early in the autumn of our new grown-up lives though. We realized that with impending adulthood came some really scary next steps and we started thinking that if we were going to continue dating, that one day down the road, we'd have to (gulp) probably get married. At the age of 22, when you've just barely started your first "grown up" job (for me) and are still trying to figure out what that first job should be (for him) it was a terrifying thought and neither one of us was mature enough to really handle it.

It all came to a head one evening when Ted called me to tell me he was moving to Montana to find himself and that he wanted to break up for now. I was like, um...what??? I certainly didn't see that one coming! I thought we were in love! I thought we were going to live happily ever after! What on earth was he doing now??? Why was he ruining everything?!

After I recovered from the shock that had sent me into a stunned silence for a few moments, we talked about it for a while.

Of course one of the first questions I had for him was, "why is this the first I'm hearing of this?"

His response to me was, "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd talk me out of my decision and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".

Well hey, with a response like that, exactly what have I got left to say to him? So I just said, "okay, well, you clearly have made your decision so the best I can do is wish you the best and just say good-bye", which I did. And with that, Ted moved away and out of my life.

I received quite a few letters from Ted over the coming months, telling me all about his new life thousands of miles away from everything that we knew and that he missed me dearly every day. In each letter, he asked me to write him back and I did...long letters where I told him how mad I was at him for leaving and how hurt I was that he deserted me. The letters were pages long and I never mailed them. I used those letters as therapy and with each letter I wrote, I healed a little bit more.

Over the next year or so, the letters tapered off and I moved on with my life as a post-college, career-minded single gal, pretty much forgetting all about the boyfriend who had left me behind all those moons ago. I made new friends, advanced in my career, dated a plethora of guys and just enjoyed life in my 20s. It was a good time.

Ted did make an appearance when I was about 24 years old once, coming to town to visit his mom who was living in the same city as I was at that time. We went out to dinner one night and he came out to a party with a friend of mine on another night. But for me the magic was long since gone by that point and he was still living in the wilds of Montana so I said, "why bother" and pretty much put him out of my mind soon after saying good bye to him one evening. I assume he did to then because I never heard from Ted again...until a few weeks ago that is.

Apparently Ted had gone to grad school, gotten married by age 30 and then divorced in his early 40s. He and his wife did not have children but they did have a home and a dog that the ex-wife got custody of in the divorce. Then he contacted me and that's where we are now.

Like I said, it's great hearing from Ted and I wonder if there's any chance that this relationship could finally be the right guy at the right time. Then again, I wonder if it's actually just time to let that ship finally sail, for good. Many of his emails to me detail the party he went to the night before and how he's focusing on "easy" tasks at work to get through the day with his remaining brain cells intact. Ted's clearly become a bit of a partier in his 40s. Plus, he was supposed to call me last Thursday night but didn't because he had fallen asleep at 9:30 (trying to recover from a late-night party the evening before) and he hasn't called since so we're certainly not becoming a hot and heavy couple any time soon. Meanwhile, I'm adding more responsibility to my life by trying to become a mom so I don't know if I even want this kind of a guy.

I think the answer to that is, I don't want the guy as he is right now, long term. However I do wonder if this is just a phase he's going through and if he will eventually snap out of it and be the partner I'd like him to be. To that all I can say is...we'll see how this plays out I guess.

Of course another question to ask is, "Why on earth do I even want to bother with this guy?" Yes, he's living la mid-life crisis vida loca right now, doesn't call, parties a LOT and he lives 450 miles away. Why bother?

Okay ladies, let's face it. Decent guys in their 40s are few and far between and today we need to make some concessions we might not have been willing to make in the past. Five years ago, I didn't want to go out with a guy who lived in the next area code over, let alone eight states away. Now I find myself making concessions I never would have made in the past, hoping that the guy will eventually step up to become The Man I want him to be.

That said, I know that I am bringing not only myself to this relationship but also my future child so I can only make so many concessions for so long. At some point I am going to have to look out for the best interest of my kid and then decide if the guy's the right guy for me AND for my child.

But right now this is all in its introductory stages and I don't need to be making any decisions any time soon. Right now, I just want to see how this plays out and that's what I'm going to do. For one time in my life, I'm going to play this easy-breezy and see what happens.

Welcome to My World

Greetings and welcome to the first day of the rest of my life! I'm really excited to start this blog and even woke up at 4:20 this morning, totally thrilled to begin the process with the world. I am hoping that my experiences of trying to start a family as a single woman in her 40s can help other people out there and I'm looking forward to building a community and hearing about all your experiences too. Let's learn all about this together, shall we?


First, a little backstory about me. I am 43 years old, never been married (but I have had some long-term relationships, thank you very much), career-minded, with tons of friends, a brand new condo, a rescue cat I call "Kitty" and for now, no job. I was lucky...last month, my employer gave me the best gift anyone could have possibly ever given me: they laid me off. Yes, I was gloriously laid off from a job that I despised, that sucked the soul from my tired and down-trodden body every time I walked through those revolving doors into Cubicle Pergatory. But one April morning everything in my life changed...and changed in the best possible way, at that.


You see, not only did my company blessedly sever our painful three-year, toxic relationship but it also gave me 62-weeks of pay to go peacefully out the door and to stay as far away from them as possible. No that was not a typo. I really do have over a year of paid time off (plus benefits and career development counseling options) to keep me going well into the future. Between the two weeks notice pay, displacement pay, earned vacation and sick pay, I walked out that door knowing that I wouldn't have to start working again until July 2011. Can you believe THAT? I think I just won the lottery!

As you can probably imagine, I did a little dance all the way to my car and had a huge smile on my face as I made the quick, traffic-free trip home. When I got into the house, I cracked open a beer and basked in the glow of a stress-free Thursday, knowing that every day ahead was about to be as easy-breezy as that moment. All of the sudden, life had become very good to me. Very, very good.

Although this was an amazing opportunity, I will say that at first the experience was really shocking to me and more than a little overwhelming. I did not see the lay off coming and in addition to dealing with that shock, I also had to battle with a mish mosh of painful feelings about this horrible job that I had, that I'd either buried or ignored, just so that I could get through the day in some sort of functional manner. I had had a very insecure boss who managed with her ego and for some reason felt threatened by me; maybe because I was good at what I did, got along well with my coworkers but never wanted to suck up to her. Really, all I wanted to do was do my job, do it well and at the end of the day, go home and enjoy my personal life. I hate political games and all the backstabbing and jockeying for position that go along with that so I refused to particpate. But this boss wouldn't allow that. She had to have all the power and if I didn't play along, she'd drag me into the game, kicking and screaming, ignoring my calls of "uncle!".

Imagine being called into your boss' office and having her say things like, "everyone tells me you're doing an awful job" and other tidbits of "constructive criticism" like that. These are the comments I would receive from her on a consistent basis and on more than one occasion, my meetings with her would turn into a screaming match where one would try to out-yell the other and which shocked me as I saw that as the most unprofessional thing imagineable. As you could expect, this turned me into one miserable, insecure girl who felt like I always needed to tiptoe around my boss' fragile ego because I never knew when the next outburst would occur.

I knew that I needed to get out of that toxic environment as soon as possible, however there was a recession and I had a mortgage to pay so I had to stick it out until some options opened up for me, which regrettably was taking WAY too long. Thank GOD I finally got laid off so I could rebuild some of my self-esteem and sanity. In the end, I know that I am the one who "won" the game, although I hated the idea of playing it. I played the game poorly and got 62 weeks of paid time off for my efforts, whereas my boss, the consummate game player, is still stuck managing people that absolutely despise her and refuse to speak to her if they can avoid it (I know this because I still keep in touch with my former coworkers, which is funny because I'm not even there anymore and I talk to the team more than their own manager does.) I've also heard that my former boss recently had some sort of an accident where she dislocated her shoulder and although I would never wish injury on anyone, even her, all I could think of when I heard that news was, "ain't karma a bitch"? Yes indeed. It sure is.

Anyway, it really did take a few weeks to recover from that experience but once the shock and pain of all that wore off, I realized that it was time to decide what I wanted to do with my foreseeable future. The last thing I wanted was to squander the amazing gift that had been given to me so I knew that it was important that I choose my path wisely. So that said, I took plenty of long walks and visits to the beach, wrote up a list of potential goals and decided that the #1 thing I wanted to focus on was starting a family. I really wanted to be a mom.

Just so you understand, this wasn't a lightning bolt out of the sky decision, an "aha" moment where I suddenly just knew what I wanted out of life. No, I had already decided that I wanted to become a mom but really had not had the time or energy to make that happen up until this point.


I had decided in January 2009 that even if I didn't have a husband (or nary a boyfriend in sight, mind you) that I was going to become a mom, somehow, some way. It was a tough decision to make, giving up on my dream of my Prince Charming, the suburban house with the white picket fence, designer dog and 2.5 children and I definitely grieved over the choices I felt that I was forced to make. I really wanted the traditional "American Dream" not what seemed like a second-best, low rent option. But I was running out of time, not getting any younger and it was time to take control of the situation, instead of waiting and hoping for Mr. Right to come along and sweep me off my feet. And so take charge I did.


First stop was the fertility specialist to find out how fertile I was. Thankfully this was all covered by insurance (one great benefit of my former employer) so I could have every test imagineable performed and leave absolutely nothing to chance here.

After months of testing, I found out I was perfectly healthy but had an underacting thyroid ... and no fertility. The thyroid could be fixed, of course. All I needed was a prescription for Levoxil and I'd be set there. however the fertility part was a lot harder to fix, even possibly impossible.

Apparently not only have I inherited from my mother her beautiful green eyes, dazzling smile and tall stature but I've also inherited her early onset menopause. My mother went through menopause at 44 and guess what...I'm well on my way to that result as well.

The doctor told me that my FSH levels were extremely elevated and that meant that there was a less than 5% chance I could conceive naturally. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels are measured through a blood test and elevated numbers mean that menopause is knocking on your door and that eventually you'd have to let that monster into your life, whether you wanted to or not.

Let me tell you, that was one of the most painful things I've ever heard and when the doctor told me, "you waited too long", I went home and had one of the biggest cries of my entire life. I couldn't believe that now that I'd finally earned some personal and financial stability in life and after I had just made this HUGE decision, that my doctor was telling me, sorry...it's too late. I was absolutely heartbroken and couldn't even make it all the way into my house before I completely fell apart. I just collapsed in a corner of my hallway and spent the next hour sobbing uncontrollably. Eventually I called one of my best friends who was aware of what I was going through and she was able to talk me out of my black hole of fertility despair. But that was a very dark night and it was only with the support of my dear friend and a couple of Benadryl tablets that I was able to get any sleep that night whatsoever.

It took a little time to recover from that experience as you can imagine but of course I did and next I needed to figure out, now what. I will say that I thought a lot about what the good doctor had told me and I decided that I would go forward with intra-uterine insemination (IUI) using donor sperm, because I needed to know that I'd done everything possible to conceive and I just wasn't ready to believe this doctor's prognosis. I didn't want to suffer any "what if I had tried, would I have gotten pregnant" moments. I needed to know for sure that I'd done all I could.

We decided that IUF would be prohibitively expensive and had no better chance of success than IUI so we might as well stick with the cheaper option and cross our fingers. Also, I really wanted to prove my doctor wrong, so I could say "see...I was right! I can have a baby!" I am a firm believer in miracles and that they can happen to anybody at anytime so why couldn't they happen to me and to my uterus this year? Right? Exactly. So yes, my decision was made, plans were set and onward we went.

Unfortunately, eight months and six IUI treatments later, I'm still not pregnant. I was pregnant for a very brief time last month but now, sadly not so much. There could be quite a few reasons for this: It could be the doctor was right (perish the thought!) or it could also be that I was too stressed from working long hours in a toxic job that I hated. Or more likely, it's a combination of the two factors working in tandem against me. Regardless, I'm not pregnant and that makes me very sad.

I'm not ready to give up on my dream of having a biological child yet but I have decided that perhaps it's time to pursue other options as well. I made the decision that I would become a mom in 2010 and that needs to happen any which way it can. So in addition to my IUI treatments, now I'm now looking into the possibility of adoption.


So that said, I contacted Child Services a few weeks ago and have begun the process of adopting a child from the foster care system. I've already submitted my initial paperwork, my background check has been completed and now I've scheduled an appointment with the adoption coordinator to come out and assess the "living conditions" (i.e. my house). Thankfully I have a totally cute condo (if I do say so myself) so I'm sure the state will bless this house with its stamp of approval and we can go forward with the next step, which is parenting classes that begin in a week and a half.


I will say that this mandatory home inspection is actually great for two reasons: One, they will see that I have a nice home that's more than suitable for a child and two, they will really motivate me to polish off all those little house projects, de-clutter and finally finish the decorating I've been meaning to do. If someone's going to come and look at every square inch of my home to make sure it's "okay" for children, you can be damn sure that it's going to be ready to be on the cover of "Architectural Digest" by the time they walk through my doors.

So in short, that's where I am in life: at a major crossroads where I can pretty much do whatever I want, as long as it's something that money and free time can buy . I know that this journey will eventually bring me to motherhood and for once, I'm really excited about my future and where the Universe will take me. I know it won't always be easy...it's already been not so easy...but I know that I will get my "happy ending" eventually. And I can't wait to share my story with you as it unfurls, one baby step at a time.