I've Got a Secret

Secrets, secrets and more secrets. That's what my life has become chock full of ever since I decided to pursue single motherhood. I struggle every day with what to tell people about my Big Life Choice and how much to tell them because I just don't know what people's reactions will be. So the question is, what do I say about my Choice and who do I say it to? In the end, I really do want and need emotional support and it would be a great weight off my shoulders if this is one secret I didn't need to keep locked up inside The Vault.

I have a good friend named Amy who became a single mom in 2008. She had spent several years going through IVF treatments and when they were ultimately unsuccessful, she adopted a beautiful little boy who is the biggest joy in her life and a pretty cute kid, to boot. That said, I have looked to Amy for guidance and so when she told me to be careful about who I tell my plans to because not everyone will be supportive, I took her advice to heart and kept my mouth shut, except for a few trusted people. But even some of them turned out to be a disappointment to me in the end.

I told a total of seven people about my plans because I thought they would be the most supportive of my choice. Included on that list were three of my oldest friends from high school, three people who've navigated this road themselves and also my younger sister.

For the most part, I've found that the people I told have been incredibly supportive of my choice, just as I figured they would be. My sister even agreed to take care of my child in the (god forbid) event that some awful tragedy should befall me. This was a HUGE weight off my shoulders because more than anything else, I wanted to make sure my child would always be cared for even if I couldn't be the one to do it.

I was surprised by one friend's reaction to my choice though. She's one of my oldest friends from high school, married with two children and she adores her kids. So I naturally just assumed that she'd be thrilled that I want to become a mom too. Boy was I wrong there!

Once she realized that I was serious, I heard nothing but non-stop judgments from her: What if I had a baby with issues? Do you know how hard it is to take care of a child with issues? What if I had twins? How would I care for them? What if I lost my job? What if I had to take a pay cut? And here was the real kicker: Why don't I just help out some moms who need a little helping hand instead of having my own baby? The judgments and recriminations were non-stop and I got incredibly fed up.

She and I ended up having a huge fight last summer that ended with me telling her, "my decision is made and it's final. So you can either choose to support me or not but I am going ahead with having a baby and there is NOTHING you can do to change my mind". And I really meant it too.

We didn't speak for a few days after that but once she realized I wasn't going to back down, she did finally come back and apologize for her comments. My friend vowed to be more supportive of my choices after that and she hasn't said anything negative since then, although I do wonder what she's thinking and if she's just keeping her negative thoughts to herself. But you know what? I can't change what people think so as long as she's being at least outwardly supportive, that's all I can hope for I guess.

Another long-time friend had a similar reaction, although her responses were not quite so dramatic. Leslie just couldn't understand why I would want to have a baby on my own, since it's such hard work and wouldn't I just want to enjoy my life as a single person instead? She kept reminding me that right now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without some kid constantly hanging off a leg, screaming, crying and annoying me. I could sleep till 10:00 if I so choose and sit outside doing nothing, all because I can.

Although what she says is certainly the truth, she doesn't seem to understand that in choosing to have a child of my own, I AM doing exactly what I want and that I look forward to waking up early and having kids hang off my leg and screaming "Mommy!!" in the grocery store. Sure, sleeping late and lounging around the house feel great but in the long run, they aren't exactly fulfilling goals. So that said, let's just say at this point, she and I choose to agree to disagree and I've decided not to discuss my plans with her anymore.

I will say that these two friends really piss me off because they are both moms themselves, clearly adore their children and think it's the most fulfilling job they have. But then they turn around and tell me that I shouldn't become a mom because I don't have a husband yet? I am certain that, god forbid, something should happen to their husbands, that they would not put their kids up for adoption because they don't have a father for their children anymore. So why is it all right for them to raise kids potentially on their own but not all right for me? It just doesn't seem quite fair and it really made my blood boil. It still does!

In speaking to more supportive friends and family, they remind me that these two women's reactions are more about them than me and that I shouldn't really take what they say to heart. I agree and know that these are two women that have struggled with parenthood and with their marriages so it's probably not too surprising that they would come across more negatively than my friends who are happier in their lives. Both women have had difficult marriages over the last few years and one has a special needs child and financial difficulties to boot, so life has not always been easy for them. I do get that. But at the same time, it would be nice if they could take their own issues out of the equation and just focus on supporting ME for a little while. This isn't about them...it's about me. But perhaps that's asking too much, I don't know.

I also think that for these ladies, having babies happened very easily or even by chance (oops!) and that they don't necessarily appreciate what's been handed to them so easily. It hasn't been quite such a breeze for me though. I've had to work incredibly hard to become a mom and I know that when it happens for me, I will cherish every second of that opportunity because it's something that I want more than anything and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Not so for those gals. One of the friends prides herself on her fertility, saying that she got pregnant on her first try each time she wanted to have a baby.

Lately, I've started telling a few people that I'm considering adopting through the foster care system (since IUI has been such an unsuccessful process up to this point) and I've found that their reactions to that announcement are generally more positive than when I've told people that I was planning to conceive on my own through donor sperm. It's interesting that people think it's more socially acceptable, even admirable, for a single woman to raise a foster care child than it is to conceive one on your own. This all despite the fact that foster care children come with a host of emotional problems that a biological child would not have and that I would have to deal with all those issues on my own. You'd think they'd be more concerned about the costs and the emotional toll and lack of support of raising a foster care child but that doesn't seem to be the case. Go figure.

I think that in reality, none of this has anything to do with all those logical points listed above and more to do with people's emotional reactions based on society and their personal religious beliefs. Generally, I've found that people believe that even a single parent home is better than a foster home and that in this case, I'm doing something to make the world a better place. Whereas having a baby on my own and choosing to be a single mom is not the "Christian" thing to do. Okay, I get that. But growing up, I remember always hearing, "babies are a miracle from God" and I really do believe that so isn't having a child born into a loving home the good, Christian thing to do, regardless of how traditional or untraditional the parenting relationship is? I definitely think so!

So all that said, it's been quite the learning experience, finding out who's on my side ultimately and who isn't and it's made me feel much closer to the people who do support my decisions while making me back away from the people who don't. All I can really do is live my life the best way that I can and make choices based on integrity, honesty and love. If I know what I am doing is the right thing for me, for my child and for the world as a whole, that's really all that should matter. And so that's what I shall focus on going forward. The naysayers, well, I just take their comments with a grain of salt. They certainly don't live their lives based on what I say, so why should I live my life based on their opinions?