Reminders Everywhere

I was just watching "Ellen", which is usually a big guilty habit of mine, now that I'm gainfully unemployed. It started off funny and interesting enough. Ellen was interviewing Heidi Klum and she was talking about the stolen photos that someone sold to the tabloids. I thought to myself, geez, I'm really glad i'm not a celebrity because i can barely handle writing a blog -- I post everything anonymously and even make up pseudonyms for my friends and family. I couldn't imagine having my entire life out on display like that. I'd cringe.

So that's the reflective mood I was in when Ellen moved onto the next segment with Heidi, which was, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant". In this segment, Heidi got to promote her new line of maternity wear by playing a game with Ellen. Six visibly pregnant women came out, Heidi and Ellen asked them questions and then had to guess if the qomwn were really pregnant or just faking (hence the title "Pregnant or Not Pregnant).

I will say that the women who were faking their pregnancies were lousy liars and it was pretty obvious they've never been pregnant before. But there was one woman that Heidi didn't even need to ask any questions of because she just knew the woman was pregant. Heidi said the woman glowed.

I looked closely at the woman and she was indeed glowing. She looked so happy. And I'm very happy for her but it just made me so sad for a few minutes because I want to glow too! I really really want a baby. Is it possible that I ever will?

I've also been shopping for pack 'n plays the last 24 hours because my sister is coming with her kids in a few weeks so I thought I'd have something available for Kacie to sleep in (she's 2). And seeing these beautiful babies in the photos...well wow. It's just hard. I have to keep myself from buying the high end pack 'n plays because well, at this point, what's the point? I'd so love a reason to have a good one though and think, is it possible if I buy one, that'll bring the babies to me? I know...not very logical but I guess I'm not feeling very logical right now.

Sadly, I appear to be faced with my own creeping age because the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, on absolute fire, and all I can think of is, great...hot flashes. Menopause. It's not that warm out so I can't blame the weather so all that i've got left is the big M. I can't believe it though. I'm only 43 years old. I am too young for this!

I went to "Sex and the City" last week (lousy movie...don't waste your time if you haven't seen it yet) and in it, Samantha is in full on menopause mode. But the thing is, Samantha is 52. I'm only 43. This is so not fair!

Is it possible to still get pregnant once you start getting these middle of the night hot flashes? I'm still getting my "monthly gift" and I'm pretty sure I was pregnant in April, even if it was only for like 10 minutes. Is it possible for the Universe to still hand me a gift and allow me to carry a healthy little baby boy or girl full term? I don't know.

Anyway, that's my mindset today and I am going to go to foster parenting class tonight because at least I know I can do that. This will be class four out of eight so after tonight, I'm halfway done. So that's good. I guess I will just focus on what I can accomplish right now and try not to think about the things I don't have much control over. It's just hard sometimes. Maybe I'll go cheer myself up with some chocolate right now....