Greetings and welcome to the first day of the rest of my life! I'm really excited to start this blog and even woke up at 4:20 this morning, totally thrilled to begin the process with the world. I am hoping that my experiences of trying to start a family as a single woman in her 40s can help other people out there and I'm looking forward to building a community and hearing about all your experiences too. Let's learn all about this together, shall we?
First, a little backstory about me. I am 43 years old, never been married (but I have had some long-term relationships, thank you very much), career-minded, with tons of friends, a brand new condo, a rescue cat I call "Kitty" and for now, no job. I was lucky...last month, my employer gave me the best gift anyone could have possibly ever given me: they laid me off. Yes, I was gloriously laid off from a job that I despised, that sucked the soul from my tired and down-trodden body every time I walked through those revolving doors into Cubicle Pergatory. But one April morning everything in my life changed...and changed in the best possible way, at that.
You see, not only did my company blessedly sever our painful three-year, toxic relationship but it also gave me 62-weeks of pay to go peacefully out the door and to stay as far away from them as possible. No that was not a typo. I really do have over a year of paid time off (plus benefits and career development counseling options) to keep me going well into the future. Between the two weeks notice pay, displacement pay, earned vacation and sick pay, I walked out that door knowing that I wouldn't have to start working again until July 2011. Can you believe THAT? I think I just won the lottery!
As you can probably imagine, I did a little dance all the way to my car and had a huge smile on my face as I made the quick, traffic-free trip home. When I got into the house, I cracked open a beer and basked in the glow of a stress-free Thursday, knowing that every day ahead was about to be as easy-breezy as that moment. All of the sudden, life had become very good to me. Very, very good.
Although this was an amazing opportunity, I will say that at first the experience was really shocking to me and more than a little overwhelming. I did not see the lay off coming and in addition to dealing with that shock, I also had to battle with a mish mosh of painful feelings about this horrible job that I had, that I'd either buried or ignored, just so that I could get through the day in some sort of functional manner. I had had a very insecure boss who managed with her ego and for some reason felt threatened by me; maybe because I was good at what I did, got along well with my coworkers but never wanted to suck up to her. Really, all I wanted to do was do my job, do it well and at the end of the day, go home and enjoy my personal life. I hate political games and all the backstabbing and jockeying for position that go along with that so I refused to particpate. But this boss wouldn't allow that. She had to have all the power and if I didn't play along, she'd drag me into the game, kicking and screaming, ignoring my calls of "uncle!".
Imagine being called into your boss' office and having her say things like, "everyone tells me you're doing an awful job" and other tidbits of "constructive criticism" like that. These are the comments I would receive from her on a consistent basis and on more than one occasion, my meetings with her would turn into a screaming match where one would try to out-yell the other and which shocked me as I saw that as the most unprofessional thing imagineable. As you could expect, this turned me into one miserable, insecure girl who felt like I always needed to tiptoe around my boss' fragile ego because I never knew when the next outburst would occur.
I knew that I needed to get out of that toxic environment as soon as possible, however there was a recession and I had a mortgage to pay so I had to stick it out until some options opened up for me, which regrettably was taking WAY too long. Thank GOD I finally got laid off so I could rebuild some of my self-esteem and sanity. In the end, I know that I am the one who "won" the game, although I hated the idea of playing it. I played the game poorly and got 62 weeks of paid time off for my efforts, whereas my boss, the consummate game player, is still stuck managing people that absolutely despise her and refuse to speak to her if they can avoid it (I know this because I still keep in touch with my former coworkers, which is funny because I'm not even there anymore and I talk to the team more than their own manager does.) I've also heard that my former boss recently had some sort of an accident where she dislocated her shoulder and although I would never wish injury on anyone, even her, all I could think of when I heard that news was, "ain't karma a bitch"? Yes indeed. It sure is.
Anyway, it really did take a few weeks to recover from that experience but once the shock and pain of all that wore off, I realized that it was time to decide what I wanted to do with my foreseeable future. The last thing I wanted was to squander the amazing gift that had been given to me so I knew that it was important that I choose my path wisely. So that said, I took plenty of long walks and visits to the beach, wrote up a list of potential goals and decided that the #1 thing I wanted to focus on was starting a family. I really wanted to be a mom.
Just so you understand, this wasn't a lightning bolt out of the sky decision, an "aha" moment where I suddenly just knew what I wanted out of life. No, I had already decided that I wanted to become a mom but really had not had the time or energy to make that happen up until this point.
I had decided in January 2009 that even if I didn't have a husband (or nary a boyfriend in sight, mind you) that I was going to become a mom, somehow, some way. It was a tough decision to make, giving up on my dream of my Prince Charming, the suburban house with the white picket fence, designer dog and 2.5 children and I definitely grieved over the choices I felt that I was forced to make. I really wanted the traditional "American Dream" not what seemed like a second-best, low rent option. But I was running out of time, not getting any younger and it was time to take control of the situation, instead of waiting and hoping for Mr. Right to come along and sweep me off my feet. And so take charge I did.
First stop was the fertility specialist to find out how fertile I was. Thankfully this was all covered by insurance (one great benefit of my former employer) so I could have every test imagineable performed and leave absolutely nothing to chance here.
After months of testing, I found out I was perfectly healthy but had an underacting thyroid ... and no fertility. The thyroid could be fixed, of course. All I needed was a prescription for Levoxil and I'd be set there. however the fertility part was a lot harder to fix, even possibly impossible.
Apparently not only have I inherited from my mother her beautiful green eyes, dazzling smile and tall stature but I've also inherited her early onset menopause. My mother went through menopause at 44 and guess what...I'm well on my way to that result as well.
The doctor told me that my FSH levels were extremely elevated and that meant that there was a less than 5% chance I could conceive naturally. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels are measured through a blood test and elevated numbers mean that menopause is knocking on your door and that eventually you'd have to let that monster into your life, whether you wanted to or not.
Let me tell you, that was one of the most painful things I've ever heard and when the doctor told me, "you waited too long", I went home and had one of the biggest cries of my entire life. I couldn't believe that now that I'd finally earned some personal and financial stability in life and after I had just made this HUGE decision, that my doctor was telling me, sorry...it's too late. I was absolutely heartbroken and couldn't even make it all the way into my house before I completely fell apart. I just collapsed in a corner of my hallway and spent the next hour sobbing uncontrollably. Eventually I called one of my best friends who was aware of what I was going through and she was able to talk me out of my black hole of fertility despair. But that was a very dark night and it was only with the support of my dear friend and a couple of Benadryl tablets that I was able to get any sleep that night whatsoever.
It took a little time to recover from that experience as you can imagine but of course I did and next I needed to figure out, now what. I will say that I thought a lot about what the good doctor had told me and I decided that I would go forward with intra-uterine insemination (IUI) using donor sperm, because I needed to know that I'd done everything possible to conceive and I just wasn't ready to believe this doctor's prognosis. I didn't want to suffer any "what if I had tried, would I have gotten pregnant" moments. I needed to know for sure that I'd done all I could.
We decided that IUF would be prohibitively expensive and had no better chance of success than IUI so we might as well stick with the cheaper option and cross our fingers. Also, I really wanted to prove my doctor wrong, so I could say "see...I was right! I can have a baby!" I am a firm believer in miracles and that they can happen to anybody at anytime so why couldn't they happen to me and to my uterus this year? Right? Exactly. So yes, my decision was made, plans were set and onward we went.
Unfortunately, eight months and six IUI treatments later, I'm still not pregnant. I was pregnant for a very brief time last month but now, sadly not so much. There could be quite a few reasons for this: It could be the doctor was right (perish the thought!) or it could also be that I was too stressed from working long hours in a toxic job that I hated. Or more likely, it's a combination of the two factors working in tandem against me. Regardless, I'm not pregnant and that makes me very sad.
I'm not ready to give up on my dream of having a biological child yet but I have decided that perhaps it's time to pursue other options as well. I made the decision that I would become a mom in 2010 and that needs to happen any which way it can. So in addition to my IUI treatments, now I'm now looking into the possibility of adoption.
So that said, I contacted Child Services a few weeks ago and have begun the process of adopting a child from the foster care system. I've already submitted my initial paperwork, my background check has been completed and now I've scheduled an appointment with the adoption coordinator to come out and assess the "living conditions" (i.e. my house). Thankfully I have a totally cute condo (if I do say so myself) so I'm sure the state will bless this house with its stamp of approval and we can go forward with the next step, which is parenting classes that begin in a week and a half.
I will say that this mandatory home inspection is actually great for two reasons: One, they will see that I have a nice home that's more than suitable for a child and two, they will really motivate me to polish off all those little house projects, de-clutter and finally finish the decorating I've been meaning to do. If someone's going to come and look at every square inch of my home to make sure it's "okay" for children, you can be damn sure that it's going to be ready to be on the cover of "Architectural Digest" by the time they walk through my doors.
So in short, that's where I am in life: at a major crossroads where I can pretty much do whatever I want, as long as it's something that money and free time can buy . I know that this journey will eventually bring me to motherhood and for once, I'm really excited about my future and where the Universe will take me. I know it won't always be easy...it's already been not so easy...but I know that I will get my "happy ending" eventually. And I can't wait to share my story with you as it unfurls, one baby step at a time.
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