Hi all. I am back from a whirlwind trip across the mid-atlantic and southern states, where I visited the college boyfriend I never quite shook, Ted. We had an amazing four days together that went by waaay too quickly of course and now I'm home, tired, sunburnt and in need of a vacation to recover from my vacation. I had a great time and wish that weekend could have lasted forever.
I am a little concerned though. As great as the weekend was, I am not sure if it was much more than a quick blip in the overall scheme of things. What I mean is that I've heard from Ted since I've been back...there've been a few email exchanges here and there but really, after the weekend we had, where we shared anything and everything with one another, I pretty much expected more upon my return.
Overall Ted and I had an amazing time. We click in so many ways. As a matter of fact, at a few points there, I said to myself, why couldn't all relationships feel this easy, because it really was so easy to be with him. We're both really easy going people, we have many many many of the same interests, he makes me laugh and challenges my thoughts and believe it or not, we've even got similar family backgrounds.
So what's wrong? I've barely heard from him since I got back. When we were on vacation he did tell me how he's not ready for a super serious relationship yet and he's not ready to make me any promises (blah blah blah) but at the same time, he kept telling me how much he missed me and what a great time he was having with me and all that, so I really thought I was making cracks in that armor of his. But I guess he's home now and I'm back home too and the armor is back up and the conversation is limited to emails here and there. Hmmmm.
As much fun as I had with Ted this weekend, a roller coaster emotional relationship is certainly not something I'm interested in, as that would make me absolutely crazy. Isn't it possible to find a guy who's interested in a healthy, normal relationship and who's someone that I get along with really well??? Please tell me that I am not asking for too much!
Anyway, I'm trying to find the clarity in all of this and I went to the beach today with my good friend Beth who in my opinion, gives me the best advice of anyone. Beth is married to a great guy and the two of them love and respect each other very much and I just love the practical advice she imparts. Anyway, she said to me to see how this month (July) plays out and to see how Ted reacts. If he wants to get together at some point, great, move forward and see how things go. However if he does not make the overture, then it might be a goood idea to reconsider this relationship or whatever it is, and move on. I'm 40-"something" years old and I really don't need to be holding onto some dude who's not sure what he wants, when that's exactly what I had with Ted when we were 22 years old and it didn't work out. Yeah, I'd like to say that I've grown up in the last 20 or so years and don't want to make the same mistakes I made when I'd first graduated from college.
Not to mention, I'm really interested in having a child this year (hence the blog) and if Ted's not seriously going to be my "soulmate" then there is no reason to waste time on him because that is emotional energy that I could be channeling towards the child I plan to have. I would LOVE it if I could have the normal nuclear family and bring a child/children into a home with a loving mom AND a loving dad. But I cannot make anyone choose to change their life that dramatically so if he's not into it like I am then I need to continue on with my goals on my own.
Not to mention I do feel out of control in the Ted relationship, as he's the one kind of calling the shots right now (I'm not ready for anything serious, I can't make you any promises, etc. etc. etc.) so if I continue on with my goal of having a child, I at least feel like I'm in charge of something in my life. I have some control dammit! My goals and dreams are really important to me so it feels good to know that if I stay the course, good results could transpire. With or without Ted, I could become a mom in the next year and yes, I cannot wait!
My sister and family will be here for the next week starting tomorrow and I am totally looking forward to some total face time with my adorable niece and nephew who I love to death. I am going to have a wonderful time with them, relaxing on the beach, drinking a lot of wine and just feeling good about life. I am going to sit on the beach and reflect on my life and figure out what I will do going forward, depending on whether or not I hear from Ted. But the bottom line is, I am looking out for my own self-interests right now and if Ted wants to be a part of that, he's going to have to step up to the plate and make some sort of an effort. Because if he does not, I'm off achieving pretty awesome goals without him. And that, my dears, would truly be his loss.
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