Sorry to be out of touch for so long but I just started my new job this week and I have been pretty worn out after work and really not all that interested in typing on yet another computer. Hopefully I can find my groove next week though and get back on track with postings here. Fingers are crossed so do stay tuned!
I did want to give you the update on Ted, aka my "Mr. Big" who makes my heart sing or cry, depending upon the day. I will say that I've got good news...Ted's back! In fact, he so back that I heard from him four times yesterday. So yeah, I'm feeling a lot better about things with him now.
Last time I checked in, I hadn't heard from him in six days but then later that morning, I did get a "hey, what's up" email, which didn't say anything about anything, just that he'd been "busy". I was like, um what? Busy? Doing what?? Why haven't I heard from you in almost a week??? Needless to say, I was hurt and angry so of course, I didn't respond right away. I wanted him to see what it felt like to have to wait. Grrr.
When I wrote back the next day, I told him I wasn't sure about this relationship because I don't want to be dating a guy who only pops out an email every six days and doesn't want to see me but every few months. I asked him what he thought.
So Ted wrote back saying he was sad but relieved because he wasn't sure he could pull off a long-distance relationship. He did want to see me again because he sees me as someone special (and hopefully not in the short bus sort of way) but that he really wants someone local that he can do things with.
Okay, so that felt like a punch in the stomach. I really thought he'd come back with how sorry he was for disappearing, how much he cares about me and how he's going to try to be better. But he didn't and I was really sad.
So I decided to send out what I like to call the "Hail Mary" email. This was an "I've got nothing left to lose so might as well give it all" message where I just told him just about everything I was thinking:
Dear "Ted",
I'm glad we were able to clear the air here a bit. I've been struggling with the whole long-distance aspect of everything as well and was thinking well, I'll give this a shot but if it all works out, someone will have to move. That was a tugh thought since I'm very settled here.
I will say I wasn't averse to moving back to DC but of course wouldn't be able to do it anytime soon as I am starting a new job here in Boston on Monday. I was thinking we'll see each other once a month or so for the next six months, see how things go and make some sort of a decision after that. I was happy that flights were cheaper than I thought they would be and that kept me going.
It was all easy enough when I heard from you a lot and I felt with the calls, emails and texts that you were always right there with me. It was nice.
But then they stopped. And I didn't understand why. I couldn't figure out what I had said or done to make you disappear and so I was very confused. And sad. I liked talking to you. You brightened my day. And I missed you. A lot. So yeah that's where the sad part comes in. I didn't want to put any pressure on you so I just didn't say anything. And I waited.
And finally you sent me an email saying you were sorry that you had been busy with work and I was like WTF? You'd always managed to call or email or text me around work so that just confused me more.
Anyway, long story short, I like you too but am not planning to move anywhere anytime soon. I am open to talking about things changing down the road but frankly if I'm to uproot my entire life for a guy, there's got to be a serious commitment involved. I know you aren't ready for anything like that so I am not suggesting anything like that now. I am just saying what my conditions would be for relocating.
If you are adamant about being with someone nearby right NOW, there's not a lot I can do about that. If you're willing to give things a shot, well, we could obviously talk. And talk plainly and openly so there is no confusion and no miscommunications. I don't like miscommunications. They kind of suck.
Honestly if we were to see each other again it would have to be before Sept 17. But if that's not in the cards then you probably shouldn't come up then. That would just be too painful for me. I really do like you Tim. A lot actually.
Anyway, ball's in your court. Let me know what you decide.
"Jax"
I really thought when I wrote that email that Ted was going to turn 7 shades of purple, freak out and disappear forever. But he didn't In fact, it had the exact opposite effect. Instead of disappearing, Ted's been calling me every single day, texting, writing on my FAcebook page and last night he even called to serenade me. Okay, it was 1 in the morning and he was drunk as a skunk but it was still cute.
We haven't had any serious talks yet about what the hell happened and we have not yet planned our next get-together but I'm backing off on any pressure, perceied or otherwise, so this issue doesn't happen again. I just started a brand new job so the last thing I need is more drama, ya know?
Ted did tell me last night post-serenade that he really misses me and I believe him. I think that missing me will turn into him seeing me soon. It's just a matter of getting him to book a damn flight. Yes, he lives 450 miles away from me but there are lots of shuttles between his town and mine and the prices are fairly reasonable so he should be able to take a weekend up here pretty easily. It's just a matter of him doing it. Ted's not a planner but if he's going to continue liking me, he's gonna have to see me and that means, yes, planning something. He's a big boy. He'll be just fine.
So that's my Ted update which actually is pretty good and for that I'm so incredibly relieved. Let's hope the next Ted update is equally uplifting shall we? I am hoping that the next time I write about Ted it's to say he's coming to see me. So yeah, fingers crossed there.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Hurry up and Wait
I know that the 1.5 people reading my blog have probably noticed that the number of blog posts each week have dropped dramatically and I wish I could say I'm sorry. But in all honesty if I don't really have much to say, why waste your time with a blog update right? That's right...I am just looking out for you, dear reader!
I really still don't have much to say other than there's not a lot going on right now. It's just a quiet week I guess. I can offer updates on the topics you're sitting on the edge of the seat though so here here goes:
1. Foster Adoption Progress: I have graduated from my foster adoption classes and now I'm just working on my home study. I did complete a first draft of the document, which is something like 30 pages at this point. I went and got fingerprinted at the local DSS office yesterday morning and tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with my social worker. So the process is moving forward, albeit slowly, but it is moving.
2. The Job: I got a new job! I start my new gig next Wednesday July 29th and I'm both excited and sad at the same time. I think this will be a great opportunity and a good fit for my experience, skills and personality. I also think it would be good for me to get back to work so I'm not sitting at home by myself quite so much. As much as I am trying to keep myself busy these days, there are still quite a few hours where I sit at home by myself (like right now!) and sometimes these four walls feel like they're closing in on me. Thank goodness it's summertime so I can at least go outside and take a walk when I need to get away. I spent 3 hours yesterday evening working on my Home Study and afterwards took a 1-hour walk from 8:30 to 9:30 pm just because I couldn't sit here by myself anymore. I never could do that if this were January. So for that reason I am very lucky I'm unemployed in July.
3. And last but not least...Ted: I wish I actually had a real update about Ted but unfortunately, he's the one I've got the least to say about. Ted called me last Friday and told me not to come visit him this coming weekend since he was going out of town with friends. But then he said he'd like to come visit me September 17th because I've got the family summer house then. I wasn't happy about that but thought I'd wait it out and see if he decided he'd want to see me sooner.
Well guess what? I haven't heard from him since! It's now Thursday and since I started conversing with Ted last April, we haven't gone this long without emailing, texting or talking so something really really really is up. Not good.
I was actually pretty upset about it all earlier this week but now that it's Thursday, I'm handling it better I guess. Honestly, at this point I just want to know what's going on as the waiting and wondering is really HARD. I figure it's one of two things: (1) Ted freaked out and just ran away or (2) he's met someone else and doesn't know how to tell me.
This may sound naive but I really don't think it's number 2. I noticed he pulled away as soon as we got back from our vacation earlier this month and I doubt he had the chance to meet someone new that quickly. I really do think it's number 1.
So that said, I'm giving Ted all the space he apparently craves and I'm sure that at some point he will get back in touch. If for no other reason, I think the guilt will eventually get to him. And I'd like to think that at least some of the things about missing me were true so hopefully he's missing me right now. So I'm just going to let him miss me and expect that he will get in touch eventually and at least tell me what's going on with him.
Part of me thinks this all SUCKS hard and I really do miss what I thought we had but the other part of me is thinking that maybe this was a good thing to happen now, if it had to happen at all. It's very early days and although I'm really sad, I'm not as sad as I would be if I had a lot more energy and time invested in this relationship. If this is the guy he really is, then maybe it's best I find this out sooner rather than later. It's really disappointing as I had greater hopes for him but oh well...what can you do? It is what it is.
Another reason this is good that it is happening now is that if Ted was nothing more than a distraction for me, then it's good to get him out of the way before I let him interfere with my goal of becoming a mom. What if I had started to fall for him? Would I question my goal? Since he lives in a different state, I would have to at least consider relocating and if that were the case, I'd have to give up my goal of becoming an adoptive parent in my own state. I've put a great deal of work into this goal of mine and if Ted's not going to honor my soul's desire then best that he's gone sooner rather than later, I guess.
It does really suck though and I was hoping for a better outcome for us. I guess it could still happen of course if Ted decides to suck it up and deal with his issues. But right now it's not looking so great unfortunately. I guess time will tell on this one. But for now...I wait. And I really hate waiting. Ugh
I really still don't have much to say other than there's not a lot going on right now. It's just a quiet week I guess. I can offer updates on the topics you're sitting on the edge of the seat though so here here goes:
1. Foster Adoption Progress: I have graduated from my foster adoption classes and now I'm just working on my home study. I did complete a first draft of the document, which is something like 30 pages at this point. I went and got fingerprinted at the local DSS office yesterday morning and tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with my social worker. So the process is moving forward, albeit slowly, but it is moving.
2. The Job: I got a new job! I start my new gig next Wednesday July 29th and I'm both excited and sad at the same time. I think this will be a great opportunity and a good fit for my experience, skills and personality. I also think it would be good for me to get back to work so I'm not sitting at home by myself quite so much. As much as I am trying to keep myself busy these days, there are still quite a few hours where I sit at home by myself (like right now!) and sometimes these four walls feel like they're closing in on me. Thank goodness it's summertime so I can at least go outside and take a walk when I need to get away. I spent 3 hours yesterday evening working on my Home Study and afterwards took a 1-hour walk from 8:30 to 9:30 pm just because I couldn't sit here by myself anymore. I never could do that if this were January. So for that reason I am very lucky I'm unemployed in July.
3. And last but not least...Ted: I wish I actually had a real update about Ted but unfortunately, he's the one I've got the least to say about. Ted called me last Friday and told me not to come visit him this coming weekend since he was going out of town with friends. But then he said he'd like to come visit me September 17th because I've got the family summer house then. I wasn't happy about that but thought I'd wait it out and see if he decided he'd want to see me sooner.
Well guess what? I haven't heard from him since! It's now Thursday and since I started conversing with Ted last April, we haven't gone this long without emailing, texting or talking so something really really really is up. Not good.
I was actually pretty upset about it all earlier this week but now that it's Thursday, I'm handling it better I guess. Honestly, at this point I just want to know what's going on as the waiting and wondering is really HARD. I figure it's one of two things: (1) Ted freaked out and just ran away or (2) he's met someone else and doesn't know how to tell me.
This may sound naive but I really don't think it's number 2. I noticed he pulled away as soon as we got back from our vacation earlier this month and I doubt he had the chance to meet someone new that quickly. I really do think it's number 1.
So that said, I'm giving Ted all the space he apparently craves and I'm sure that at some point he will get back in touch. If for no other reason, I think the guilt will eventually get to him. And I'd like to think that at least some of the things about missing me were true so hopefully he's missing me right now. So I'm just going to let him miss me and expect that he will get in touch eventually and at least tell me what's going on with him.
Part of me thinks this all SUCKS hard and I really do miss what I thought we had but the other part of me is thinking that maybe this was a good thing to happen now, if it had to happen at all. It's very early days and although I'm really sad, I'm not as sad as I would be if I had a lot more energy and time invested in this relationship. If this is the guy he really is, then maybe it's best I find this out sooner rather than later. It's really disappointing as I had greater hopes for him but oh well...what can you do? It is what it is.
Another reason this is good that it is happening now is that if Ted was nothing more than a distraction for me, then it's good to get him out of the way before I let him interfere with my goal of becoming a mom. What if I had started to fall for him? Would I question my goal? Since he lives in a different state, I would have to at least consider relocating and if that were the case, I'd have to give up my goal of becoming an adoptive parent in my own state. I've put a great deal of work into this goal of mine and if Ted's not going to honor my soul's desire then best that he's gone sooner rather than later, I guess.
It does really suck though and I was hoping for a better outcome for us. I guess it could still happen of course if Ted decides to suck it up and deal with his issues. But right now it's not looking so great unfortunately. I guess time will tell on this one. But for now...I wait. And I really hate waiting. Ugh
Friday, July 16, 2010
Rollercoaster of Love
Now that it's been, oh, about 10 minutes since I last provided an update on my relationship with Ted, I thought it was high time to let you know where we stand right now, July 16, 2010 at 6:17pm. You can now get off the edges of your seats. I'm here to tell all.
Well actually, there's not a whole lot of "all" to tell. I've been out of town with my family and he's been in his city 450 miles south of here, doing his usual day to day routine, which doesn't include me.
I will say that Ted's really good about calling me so I've talked to him just about every day this past week. He'll call me on his way into work every morning--which is around 7:15am--and like some old, crazy person, I'm generally up by then, even though I'm out of work and should be sleeping in and living the life of Riley. But for some reason I can't sleep past 7am so I'll end up chatting with Ted while he drives to work. It actually works nicely, so no complaints there.
Even when we don't talk, there've been plenty of emails and text messages so yeah, I hear from him a lot. I'm actually pretty happy with the amount of contact we have. Thank you multi-media world of the new millennium for helping me keep in touch with my long-distance honey!
What I don't love is that he doesn't seem to want to see me! It's been two weeks since I got back from visiting him and still, there's no plan to get together again anytime soon.
It's not for lack of effort on my part either. I told him that I was starting my new job on July 29th (oh yeah by the way...I got a new job!) and that I'd love to have one last "hurrah" visit down to DC next weekend. He said his friends had invited him to their lake house but that he thought he could bring a guest so he would ask them and I'd book my flight. Fine. Sounds good right?
That conversation occurred on Monday so when I talked to Ted on Tuesday I asked if he'd spoken to his friends. "Um...no. I'll do it tonight". Well that night came and went and he didn't speak to them. So did the next night and the night after that. So on Thursday I sent him a text message saying that I had an itinerary on hold and to let me know what his friends said so I could pull the trigger on the flight. No response.
Ted finally called me this morning to say he just found out his friends were out of town and that he didn't feel comfortable inviting me along without checking with them, blah blah blah ... but he does want to see me! I said, of course, I certainly don't expect you to invite me to someone else's house without checking with them but I thought you were going to talk to them this week.
"I'm sorry," was his response. He said saw them Tuesday but there were people all around, blah blah blah and he didn't know they would be out of town today. Yeah okay, Ted. You had the better part of a week to check with them. Whatever.
He did say that he really wants to see me (uh huh) and that he's going to book a flight to come see me in .... September! September 17th to be exact. That's the weekend that I have the family's summer house reserved so I am going to be inviting all my friends down for a big party and Ted wants to come too. So yeah, Ted would like to see me in two and a half months at my family's summer house on the Cape. Hey, I'd love a free vacation in a summer house on the Cape too so of course he wants to see me then, right?
So how do I feel about a guy who doesn't want to see me for another two months? Well obviously I don't feel like he should be a major priority in my life right now. I can't sit here and put all my energy into a relationship with a guy that right now, I may see perhaps four times a year.
Not to mention, I worry about how much Ted seems to be drinking right now. Too many of his stories start with "I'm really tired today from staying out way too late last night". On Monday morning, his conversation included the sentence, "I needed to have someone piece together the events from last night" because he'd drunk so much, he didn't even remember how the night had ended. Lovely.
In all honestly, alcoholism is not an endearing trait to me, if you must know. It runs in my family and I don't want the father of MY children throwing back several drinks and passing out every night. Been there, done that and I'm not interested. That said, I am hoping that Ted's late-night partying is just a short-term thing -- it's summer and I'm having fun sort of situation. I don't know though so I'm just going to have to keep an eye on this. Time will tell.
I like Ted, a lot, and I think he likes me too. And maybe that's part of the problem. I think he's still reeling from his divorce earlier this year and he's told me on more than one occasion that he's not ready for a new relationship. So here I am, showing him all my awesomeness and I think he got totally freaked out. And that's why he's keeping me at arm's length until September. He likes me and he wants to see me but he's dealing with his own issues. Unfortunately, I think he's dealing with his issues by drinking way too much alcohol and avoiding me right now, so I'm not sure what will happen here.
I get that but you know what? I've got MY own issues too and I'm not interested in taking his on, thank you very much. So that said, I've decided that I'm going to put Ted on his very own back burner where I'll keep in touch and look forward to seeing him in two months but I will also hold onto my emotional energy so that I can focus on the things in life that are important to ME.
What's important to me? Well, I start my new job in just a week and a half and it's important to me that I am successful. Also, I've made it through my foster parent training and now I am one step closer to becoming a mom. That's super important to me. And who knows...maybe I'll meet a guy who's here and just a little more open to a relationship right now, which would be lovely. I do like Ted but he's not offering me anything substantial so I need to continue looking out for myself. Bring on the men! Bring it.
So that's my latest and greatest update on Ted's and my relationship. Unless something changes, this may be the last update I've got on Ted so yeah, enjoy this missive for what it is and feel free to read it over and over and over again until I've got another update for you. Probably sometime in September. Yeah, believe it or not though, that will probaly be here sooner than I realize. I can't believe it's already the middle of July so it's not going to be any surprise to me that the middle of September will be here in next to no time too. Time flies when you're having fun I guess.
Well actually, there's not a whole lot of "all" to tell. I've been out of town with my family and he's been in his city 450 miles south of here, doing his usual day to day routine, which doesn't include me.
I will say that Ted's really good about calling me so I've talked to him just about every day this past week. He'll call me on his way into work every morning--which is around 7:15am--and like some old, crazy person, I'm generally up by then, even though I'm out of work and should be sleeping in and living the life of Riley. But for some reason I can't sleep past 7am so I'll end up chatting with Ted while he drives to work. It actually works nicely, so no complaints there.
Even when we don't talk, there've been plenty of emails and text messages so yeah, I hear from him a lot. I'm actually pretty happy with the amount of contact we have. Thank you multi-media world of the new millennium for helping me keep in touch with my long-distance honey!
What I don't love is that he doesn't seem to want to see me! It's been two weeks since I got back from visiting him and still, there's no plan to get together again anytime soon.
It's not for lack of effort on my part either. I told him that I was starting my new job on July 29th (oh yeah by the way...I got a new job!) and that I'd love to have one last "hurrah" visit down to DC next weekend. He said his friends had invited him to their lake house but that he thought he could bring a guest so he would ask them and I'd book my flight. Fine. Sounds good right?
That conversation occurred on Monday so when I talked to Ted on Tuesday I asked if he'd spoken to his friends. "Um...no. I'll do it tonight". Well that night came and went and he didn't speak to them. So did the next night and the night after that. So on Thursday I sent him a text message saying that I had an itinerary on hold and to let me know what his friends said so I could pull the trigger on the flight. No response.
Ted finally called me this morning to say he just found out his friends were out of town and that he didn't feel comfortable inviting me along without checking with them, blah blah blah ... but he does want to see me! I said, of course, I certainly don't expect you to invite me to someone else's house without checking with them but I thought you were going to talk to them this week.
"I'm sorry," was his response. He said saw them Tuesday but there were people all around, blah blah blah and he didn't know they would be out of town today. Yeah okay, Ted. You had the better part of a week to check with them. Whatever.
He did say that he really wants to see me (uh huh) and that he's going to book a flight to come see me in .... September! September 17th to be exact. That's the weekend that I have the family's summer house reserved so I am going to be inviting all my friends down for a big party and Ted wants to come too. So yeah, Ted would like to see me in two and a half months at my family's summer house on the Cape. Hey, I'd love a free vacation in a summer house on the Cape too so of course he wants to see me then, right?
So how do I feel about a guy who doesn't want to see me for another two months? Well obviously I don't feel like he should be a major priority in my life right now. I can't sit here and put all my energy into a relationship with a guy that right now, I may see perhaps four times a year.
Not to mention, I worry about how much Ted seems to be drinking right now. Too many of his stories start with "I'm really tired today from staying out way too late last night". On Monday morning, his conversation included the sentence, "I needed to have someone piece together the events from last night" because he'd drunk so much, he didn't even remember how the night had ended. Lovely.
In all honestly, alcoholism is not an endearing trait to me, if you must know. It runs in my family and I don't want the father of MY children throwing back several drinks and passing out every night. Been there, done that and I'm not interested. That said, I am hoping that Ted's late-night partying is just a short-term thing -- it's summer and I'm having fun sort of situation. I don't know though so I'm just going to have to keep an eye on this. Time will tell.
I like Ted, a lot, and I think he likes me too. And maybe that's part of the problem. I think he's still reeling from his divorce earlier this year and he's told me on more than one occasion that he's not ready for a new relationship. So here I am, showing him all my awesomeness and I think he got totally freaked out. And that's why he's keeping me at arm's length until September. He likes me and he wants to see me but he's dealing with his own issues. Unfortunately, I think he's dealing with his issues by drinking way too much alcohol and avoiding me right now, so I'm not sure what will happen here.
I get that but you know what? I've got MY own issues too and I'm not interested in taking his on, thank you very much. So that said, I've decided that I'm going to put Ted on his very own back burner where I'll keep in touch and look forward to seeing him in two months but I will also hold onto my emotional energy so that I can focus on the things in life that are important to ME.
What's important to me? Well, I start my new job in just a week and a half and it's important to me that I am successful. Also, I've made it through my foster parent training and now I am one step closer to becoming a mom. That's super important to me. And who knows...maybe I'll meet a guy who's here and just a little more open to a relationship right now, which would be lovely. I do like Ted but he's not offering me anything substantial so I need to continue looking out for myself. Bring on the men! Bring it.
So that's my latest and greatest update on Ted's and my relationship. Unless something changes, this may be the last update I've got on Ted so yeah, enjoy this missive for what it is and feel free to read it over and over and over again until I've got another update for you. Probably sometime in September. Yeah, believe it or not though, that will probaly be here sooner than I realize. I can't believe it's already the middle of July so it's not going to be any surprise to me that the middle of September will be here in next to no time too. Time flies when you're having fun I guess.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I'm Back!
Hi all. I am back from a whirlwind trip across the mid-atlantic and southern states, where I visited the college boyfriend I never quite shook, Ted. We had an amazing four days together that went by waaay too quickly of course and now I'm home, tired, sunburnt and in need of a vacation to recover from my vacation. I had a great time and wish that weekend could have lasted forever.
I am a little concerned though. As great as the weekend was, I am not sure if it was much more than a quick blip in the overall scheme of things. What I mean is that I've heard from Ted since I've been back...there've been a few email exchanges here and there but really, after the weekend we had, where we shared anything and everything with one another, I pretty much expected more upon my return.
Overall Ted and I had an amazing time. We click in so many ways. As a matter of fact, at a few points there, I said to myself, why couldn't all relationships feel this easy, because it really was so easy to be with him. We're both really easy going people, we have many many many of the same interests, he makes me laugh and challenges my thoughts and believe it or not, we've even got similar family backgrounds.
So what's wrong? I've barely heard from him since I got back. When we were on vacation he did tell me how he's not ready for a super serious relationship yet and he's not ready to make me any promises (blah blah blah) but at the same time, he kept telling me how much he missed me and what a great time he was having with me and all that, so I really thought I was making cracks in that armor of his. But I guess he's home now and I'm back home too and the armor is back up and the conversation is limited to emails here and there. Hmmmm.
As much fun as I had with Ted this weekend, a roller coaster emotional relationship is certainly not something I'm interested in, as that would make me absolutely crazy. Isn't it possible to find a guy who's interested in a healthy, normal relationship and who's someone that I get along with really well??? Please tell me that I am not asking for too much!
Anyway, I'm trying to find the clarity in all of this and I went to the beach today with my good friend Beth who in my opinion, gives me the best advice of anyone. Beth is married to a great guy and the two of them love and respect each other very much and I just love the practical advice she imparts. Anyway, she said to me to see how this month (July) plays out and to see how Ted reacts. If he wants to get together at some point, great, move forward and see how things go. However if he does not make the overture, then it might be a goood idea to reconsider this relationship or whatever it is, and move on. I'm 40-"something" years old and I really don't need to be holding onto some dude who's not sure what he wants, when that's exactly what I had with Ted when we were 22 years old and it didn't work out. Yeah, I'd like to say that I've grown up in the last 20 or so years and don't want to make the same mistakes I made when I'd first graduated from college.
Not to mention, I'm really interested in having a child this year (hence the blog) and if Ted's not seriously going to be my "soulmate" then there is no reason to waste time on him because that is emotional energy that I could be channeling towards the child I plan to have. I would LOVE it if I could have the normal nuclear family and bring a child/children into a home with a loving mom AND a loving dad. But I cannot make anyone choose to change their life that dramatically so if he's not into it like I am then I need to continue on with my goals on my own.
Not to mention I do feel out of control in the Ted relationship, as he's the one kind of calling the shots right now (I'm not ready for anything serious, I can't make you any promises, etc. etc. etc.) so if I continue on with my goal of having a child, I at least feel like I'm in charge of something in my life. I have some control dammit! My goals and dreams are really important to me so it feels good to know that if I stay the course, good results could transpire. With or without Ted, I could become a mom in the next year and yes, I cannot wait!
My sister and family will be here for the next week starting tomorrow and I am totally looking forward to some total face time with my adorable niece and nephew who I love to death. I am going to have a wonderful time with them, relaxing on the beach, drinking a lot of wine and just feeling good about life. I am going to sit on the beach and reflect on my life and figure out what I will do going forward, depending on whether or not I hear from Ted. But the bottom line is, I am looking out for my own self-interests right now and if Ted wants to be a part of that, he's going to have to step up to the plate and make some sort of an effort. Because if he does not, I'm off achieving pretty awesome goals without him. And that, my dears, would truly be his loss.
I am a little concerned though. As great as the weekend was, I am not sure if it was much more than a quick blip in the overall scheme of things. What I mean is that I've heard from Ted since I've been back...there've been a few email exchanges here and there but really, after the weekend we had, where we shared anything and everything with one another, I pretty much expected more upon my return.
Overall Ted and I had an amazing time. We click in so many ways. As a matter of fact, at a few points there, I said to myself, why couldn't all relationships feel this easy, because it really was so easy to be with him. We're both really easy going people, we have many many many of the same interests, he makes me laugh and challenges my thoughts and believe it or not, we've even got similar family backgrounds.
So what's wrong? I've barely heard from him since I got back. When we were on vacation he did tell me how he's not ready for a super serious relationship yet and he's not ready to make me any promises (blah blah blah) but at the same time, he kept telling me how much he missed me and what a great time he was having with me and all that, so I really thought I was making cracks in that armor of his. But I guess he's home now and I'm back home too and the armor is back up and the conversation is limited to emails here and there. Hmmmm.
As much fun as I had with Ted this weekend, a roller coaster emotional relationship is certainly not something I'm interested in, as that would make me absolutely crazy. Isn't it possible to find a guy who's interested in a healthy, normal relationship and who's someone that I get along with really well??? Please tell me that I am not asking for too much!
Anyway, I'm trying to find the clarity in all of this and I went to the beach today with my good friend Beth who in my opinion, gives me the best advice of anyone. Beth is married to a great guy and the two of them love and respect each other very much and I just love the practical advice she imparts. Anyway, she said to me to see how this month (July) plays out and to see how Ted reacts. If he wants to get together at some point, great, move forward and see how things go. However if he does not make the overture, then it might be a goood idea to reconsider this relationship or whatever it is, and move on. I'm 40-"something" years old and I really don't need to be holding onto some dude who's not sure what he wants, when that's exactly what I had with Ted when we were 22 years old and it didn't work out. Yeah, I'd like to say that I've grown up in the last 20 or so years and don't want to make the same mistakes I made when I'd first graduated from college.
Not to mention, I'm really interested in having a child this year (hence the blog) and if Ted's not seriously going to be my "soulmate" then there is no reason to waste time on him because that is emotional energy that I could be channeling towards the child I plan to have. I would LOVE it if I could have the normal nuclear family and bring a child/children into a home with a loving mom AND a loving dad. But I cannot make anyone choose to change their life that dramatically so if he's not into it like I am then I need to continue on with my goals on my own.
Not to mention I do feel out of control in the Ted relationship, as he's the one kind of calling the shots right now (I'm not ready for anything serious, I can't make you any promises, etc. etc. etc.) so if I continue on with my goal of having a child, I at least feel like I'm in charge of something in my life. I have some control dammit! My goals and dreams are really important to me so it feels good to know that if I stay the course, good results could transpire. With or without Ted, I could become a mom in the next year and yes, I cannot wait!
My sister and family will be here for the next week starting tomorrow and I am totally looking forward to some total face time with my adorable niece and nephew who I love to death. I am going to have a wonderful time with them, relaxing on the beach, drinking a lot of wine and just feeling good about life. I am going to sit on the beach and reflect on my life and figure out what I will do going forward, depending on whether or not I hear from Ted. But the bottom line is, I am looking out for my own self-interests right now and if Ted wants to be a part of that, he's going to have to step up to the plate and make some sort of an effort. Because if he does not, I'm off achieving pretty awesome goals without him. And that, my dears, would truly be his loss.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Too Much Change!
I decided to begin this blog because I wanted a way that I could chronicle my journey to motherhood and I think I've done a great job of that. But the thing is, even as I'm trying to become a mom, I've had other "real world" issues start to suck away my attention and I feel like if I don't talk about the other big changes going on in my life, that I will just explode.
I know that I do write about Ted a lot and about the uncertainty surrounding our very new relationship. It stinks that it's still a very new relationship because we've been in contact since April and if he and I lived closer to each other, this relationship would be almost three months old and not quite so new anymore. But since he does live so far away, when I see him this weekend, this will technically be our second "date" and so yeah, our relationship is still very very new. Now granted, the date is going to be four days long so it's not your typical second date but it is still a second date in reality.
So yeah, since I'm going to see him tomorrow, I've started to feel REALLY nervous. And more emotional than I really thought I would. It's been great talking to him and emailing with him and sending texts and photos but they've all been at a distance. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to spend four days with him, nonstop. By the time I come back to Boston, I'm pretty sure that we're going to have had some conversation about where to go from here and I will either come home with a boyfriend...or not. And that's a really scary thought. That my life will be either very enriched or much emptier all of the sudden. The thought of it all is really freaking me out.
I don't want to put so much pressure on this brand new relationship but at the same time, it's been nearly three months and it's time to make some sort of a decision. As much as I'd like to just be easy breezy about it all, I'm really not sure if I can be. I know after the weekend Ted spent here, that I was a nervous wreck for the next four days, wondering what the hell he was thinking and if he would want to see me again. Am I going to be feeling that way again as of Tuesday? Yikes!
I really hope hope hope that he tells me what I want to here: That he really likes me, that he sees a future with me and that he wants to try and make it work. Am i going to hear that? I have no idea. And the not knowing is just tough.
On top of that, I am waiting to hear if I'll be offered a job that I've been interviewing for literally all month now. It's a great company, good money and the job sounds interesting and I've now met with nine people over there over the course of five interviews, so yeah, I feel very invested in this job and hope I get it. I really really really hope I get it actually. And once again, the not knowing is starting to really eat away at me.
I sent the HR rep I've been dealing with an email just to check in, as it's been a week since I last went in. She wrote back pretty quickly asking if I'd be available for a call later this afternoon. As I read that email, my heart started pounding in my chest because I thought "this is it". This is the call saying they want to see my references or that they are going in another direction and i don't get the job. No pressure here right?
I wrote her back asking what time I should be available and she hasn't written back. She hasn't written back I keep hitting refresh on my email every minute, hoping she'll come back with a time so I can just KNOW. But she's not writing me back and I'm just feeling frazzled at this point.
I am telling myself that if she were just going to tell me I'm not getting the job, that she wouldn't feel the need to schedule a call....right? She would just send me an email telling me i didn't get it. Or she would have called me right away to say I didn't get the job. Right??? Then again, she could be busy and might want to schedule the call so that she knows she's available. AAAAAAHHHHH! I just don't know!!
I am trying to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't get this job. If I have to keep interviewing, that's fine because I really haven't been out of work all that long and not to mention, I've got that displacement pay to tide me over until July 2011. I'm fine financially.
More than anything else, I've just emotionally invested myself into this job at this point and feel like I NEED to have it because I've already given so much of myself in the interviewing process. It is also a great job and really solid company and i feel like it would be a really good fit. But if it doesn't work out, it is so not the end of the world. I'll be fine. I will be just fine.
Of course, if for some reason I do not get this job, that would give me more time to work on this blog and hopefully take it somewhere profitable. I could work harder on getting followers and maybe somehow make a living off of this bad boy. That would be a pretty cool thing too, quite honestly.
I guess the good news is, within the next few days I will have answers to some of the huge questions that are making me very crazy right now. It understandable that I'm feeling pretty stressed out because these are both potentially life changing changes so it's no wonder I'm feeling so pressured right now. They're of course pretty awesome changes, provided they both work out. I just need to know at this point. I will feel much better once I know.
And with that, I'm going to go on a stress-relieving run. I definitely need a run today. I bet I will have a great one, what with all the adrenalin running through my body right now.
I know that I do write about Ted a lot and about the uncertainty surrounding our very new relationship. It stinks that it's still a very new relationship because we've been in contact since April and if he and I lived closer to each other, this relationship would be almost three months old and not quite so new anymore. But since he does live so far away, when I see him this weekend, this will technically be our second "date" and so yeah, our relationship is still very very new. Now granted, the date is going to be four days long so it's not your typical second date but it is still a second date in reality.
So yeah, since I'm going to see him tomorrow, I've started to feel REALLY nervous. And more emotional than I really thought I would. It's been great talking to him and emailing with him and sending texts and photos but they've all been at a distance. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to spend four days with him, nonstop. By the time I come back to Boston, I'm pretty sure that we're going to have had some conversation about where to go from here and I will either come home with a boyfriend...or not. And that's a really scary thought. That my life will be either very enriched or much emptier all of the sudden. The thought of it all is really freaking me out.
I don't want to put so much pressure on this brand new relationship but at the same time, it's been nearly three months and it's time to make some sort of a decision. As much as I'd like to just be easy breezy about it all, I'm really not sure if I can be. I know after the weekend Ted spent here, that I was a nervous wreck for the next four days, wondering what the hell he was thinking and if he would want to see me again. Am I going to be feeling that way again as of Tuesday? Yikes!
I really hope hope hope that he tells me what I want to here: That he really likes me, that he sees a future with me and that he wants to try and make it work. Am i going to hear that? I have no idea. And the not knowing is just tough.
On top of that, I am waiting to hear if I'll be offered a job that I've been interviewing for literally all month now. It's a great company, good money and the job sounds interesting and I've now met with nine people over there over the course of five interviews, so yeah, I feel very invested in this job and hope I get it. I really really really hope I get it actually. And once again, the not knowing is starting to really eat away at me.
I sent the HR rep I've been dealing with an email just to check in, as it's been a week since I last went in. She wrote back pretty quickly asking if I'd be available for a call later this afternoon. As I read that email, my heart started pounding in my chest because I thought "this is it". This is the call saying they want to see my references or that they are going in another direction and i don't get the job. No pressure here right?
I wrote her back asking what time I should be available and she hasn't written back. She hasn't written back I keep hitting refresh on my email every minute, hoping she'll come back with a time so I can just KNOW. But she's not writing me back and I'm just feeling frazzled at this point.
I am telling myself that if she were just going to tell me I'm not getting the job, that she wouldn't feel the need to schedule a call....right? She would just send me an email telling me i didn't get it. Or she would have called me right away to say I didn't get the job. Right??? Then again, she could be busy and might want to schedule the call so that she knows she's available. AAAAAAHHHHH! I just don't know!!
I am trying to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't get this job. If I have to keep interviewing, that's fine because I really haven't been out of work all that long and not to mention, I've got that displacement pay to tide me over until July 2011. I'm fine financially.
More than anything else, I've just emotionally invested myself into this job at this point and feel like I NEED to have it because I've already given so much of myself in the interviewing process. It is also a great job and really solid company and i feel like it would be a really good fit. But if it doesn't work out, it is so not the end of the world. I'll be fine. I will be just fine.
Of course, if for some reason I do not get this job, that would give me more time to work on this blog and hopefully take it somewhere profitable. I could work harder on getting followers and maybe somehow make a living off of this bad boy. That would be a pretty cool thing too, quite honestly.
I guess the good news is, within the next few days I will have answers to some of the huge questions that are making me very crazy right now. It understandable that I'm feeling pretty stressed out because these are both potentially life changing changes so it's no wonder I'm feeling so pressured right now. They're of course pretty awesome changes, provided they both work out. I just need to know at this point. I will feel much better once I know.
And with that, I'm going to go on a stress-relieving run. I definitely need a run today. I bet I will have a great one, what with all the adrenalin running through my body right now.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Goal Review
It's funny but when I started this blog, I thought I had my life kind of planned out. I was going to pursue motherhood as the number 1 goal in my life and write a blog about all the steps I would take along the way. I was going to continue with the IUI treatments for as long as I felt comfortable doing so and in the meantime, start the adoption process via the state's foster care system. Seems all well thought out and like a great plan right?
Well so a week after I leave my job, I receive the first email from Ted, the blast from my past boyfriend from my senior year in college. Although incredibly unexpected, that didn't change my plans of course because what's an email? Just a "hello" from someone I hadn't heard from in many many years.
But then that email turned into many more emails. And those emails turned into phone calls, which turned into a visit which turned into another planned visit. I will fly down to see Ted on Thursday in just three short days and we'll spend four days together. I figure that will be enough time to see if this relationship has any legs to it and we'll decide what the future holds for us, if anything, at that point. If Ted and I decide this weekend that we want to move forward with a relationship, this could change a few things.
I've already decided that while I'm considering a relationship with Ted, that I'm going to put the IUI treatments on hold for now. It's just too much for the beginning of a relationship and I really don't want to sabotage anything. It's a tough decision because I know that I don't have a ton of time left to get pregnant (if I can even still get pregnant) but I just don't think I could have that big a secret from him right now. It's just too much too soon. So i made the decision to put the IUI's on hold.
I am still attending the foster parent training classes but since the adoption process is so long and drawn out, i really feel like that I can continue with this option without it impacting my relationship, at this point. I have the benefit of time with this option and I definitely will take full advantage of it. I have three classes left, then move onto the home study, which will take a few months. And only after that will I begin to look at kids that I could adopt. That said, I've got until October before I have to make any sort of decisions on which way my life will go and hopefully I will know what the relationship holds for me by then. I'm really sure that it will all become quite clear by then so I'm not worried.
I did decide that I'm going to hold off on telling Ted what I'm looking into, just because I don't think it's necessary to scare the bejeezus out of the guy at this stage of the relationship. Nothing's been set in stone and since I'm putting the IUIs on hold, there is absolutely no urgency, so why freak him out???
I'm not exactly thrilled about keeping this information from Ted, since it's such a huge part of my life. But at the same time, I have to weigh my desire for total truth with what I think he could handle. And I'm not sure this is a bombshell topic that should be discussed just yet. I'd rather hold a few cards close to my chest right now than risk him running away for good. So yeah, mum's the word on becoming a mum. For now at least.
I will say I feel like having multiple options makes me feel a bit less stressed in the sense that I've got a back-up plan, regardless of what happens. I would love for the relationship with Ted to work out and that we get married, have babies and live happily ever after. But if that's not in the cards for whatever reason, at least I know that I'm still pursuing goals that are near and dear to my heart. I am not putting all my eggs (so to speak) in one basket with Ted and that does ease the pressure a bit.
Hopefully everything works out perfectly for me this year because after all, that's what we all want. Regardless, it's going to be quite a wild ride what with all the insane change I've got going on in my life right now. Should be an interesting year to say the least.
Well so a week after I leave my job, I receive the first email from Ted, the blast from my past boyfriend from my senior year in college. Although incredibly unexpected, that didn't change my plans of course because what's an email? Just a "hello" from someone I hadn't heard from in many many years.
But then that email turned into many more emails. And those emails turned into phone calls, which turned into a visit which turned into another planned visit. I will fly down to see Ted on Thursday in just three short days and we'll spend four days together. I figure that will be enough time to see if this relationship has any legs to it and we'll decide what the future holds for us, if anything, at that point. If Ted and I decide this weekend that we want to move forward with a relationship, this could change a few things.
I've already decided that while I'm considering a relationship with Ted, that I'm going to put the IUI treatments on hold for now. It's just too much for the beginning of a relationship and I really don't want to sabotage anything. It's a tough decision because I know that I don't have a ton of time left to get pregnant (if I can even still get pregnant) but I just don't think I could have that big a secret from him right now. It's just too much too soon. So i made the decision to put the IUI's on hold.
I am still attending the foster parent training classes but since the adoption process is so long and drawn out, i really feel like that I can continue with this option without it impacting my relationship, at this point. I have the benefit of time with this option and I definitely will take full advantage of it. I have three classes left, then move onto the home study, which will take a few months. And only after that will I begin to look at kids that I could adopt. That said, I've got until October before I have to make any sort of decisions on which way my life will go and hopefully I will know what the relationship holds for me by then. I'm really sure that it will all become quite clear by then so I'm not worried.
I did decide that I'm going to hold off on telling Ted what I'm looking into, just because I don't think it's necessary to scare the bejeezus out of the guy at this stage of the relationship. Nothing's been set in stone and since I'm putting the IUIs on hold, there is absolutely no urgency, so why freak him out???
I'm not exactly thrilled about keeping this information from Ted, since it's such a huge part of my life. But at the same time, I have to weigh my desire for total truth with what I think he could handle. And I'm not sure this is a bombshell topic that should be discussed just yet. I'd rather hold a few cards close to my chest right now than risk him running away for good. So yeah, mum's the word on becoming a mum. For now at least.
I will say I feel like having multiple options makes me feel a bit less stressed in the sense that I've got a back-up plan, regardless of what happens. I would love for the relationship with Ted to work out and that we get married, have babies and live happily ever after. But if that's not in the cards for whatever reason, at least I know that I'm still pursuing goals that are near and dear to my heart. I am not putting all my eggs (so to speak) in one basket with Ted and that does ease the pressure a bit.
Hopefully everything works out perfectly for me this year because after all, that's what we all want. Regardless, it's going to be quite a wild ride what with all the insane change I've got going on in my life right now. Should be an interesting year to say the least.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Today's Public Service Announcement
I finished Class number four of foster parent training last night and once again, my heart breaks for these poor little cherubs who've had to shoulder so much pain and suffering in their young lives. Sigh...the case studies we discussed last night really seriously make me want to cry. Little kids who've been molested by mom's boyfriend and then put into foster care because mom chose the boyfriend over her own child; children who don't even know how to bathe because they've been so badly neglected; And kids who hoarde food because they have no idea what stability is since they've been in five or six different foster homes over the course of their young lives. It's just ridiculously sad that this could happen to an adult, let alone an innocent child.
Okay ladies (and gentlemen), here's a message for you: Caring for a child is a true gift and if you're not ready for it .... then don't do it! Hello people. You have options. Women still have the legal option to terminate a pregnancy and there are Safe Haven laws in just about every state. If you do actually give birth and can't care for the baby, you can take advantage of the many social services available to you. Please ladies. Do the right thing by your children. They didn't ask to be born so you need to do the responsible thing and make sure they have the healthy happy future they deserve.
And that would be my public service announcement for the day. You may now carry on with your regularly scheduled programming.
Okay ladies (and gentlemen), here's a message for you: Caring for a child is a true gift and if you're not ready for it .... then don't do it! Hello people. You have options. Women still have the legal option to terminate a pregnancy and there are Safe Haven laws in just about every state. If you do actually give birth and can't care for the baby, you can take advantage of the many social services available to you. Please ladies. Do the right thing by your children. They didn't ask to be born so you need to do the responsible thing and make sure they have the healthy happy future they deserve.
And that would be my public service announcement for the day. You may now carry on with your regularly scheduled programming.
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