Hurry up and Wait

I know that the 1.5 people reading my blog have probably noticed that the number of blog posts each week have dropped dramatically and I wish I could say I'm sorry. But in all honesty if I don't really have much to say, why waste your time with a blog update right? That's right...I am just looking out for you, dear reader!

I really still don't have much to say other than there's not a lot going on right now. It's just a quiet week I guess. I can offer updates on the topics you're sitting on the edge of the seat though so here here goes:

1. Foster Adoption Progress: I have graduated from my foster adoption classes and now I'm just working on my home study. I did complete a first draft of the document, which is something like 30 pages at this point. I went and got fingerprinted at the local DSS office yesterday morning and tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with my social worker. So the process is moving forward, albeit slowly, but it is moving.

2. The Job: I got a new job! I start my new gig next Wednesday July 29th and I'm both excited and sad at the same time. I think this will be a great opportunity and a good fit for my experience, skills and personality. I also think it would be good for me to get back to work so I'm not sitting at home by myself quite so much. As much as I am trying to keep myself busy these days, there are still quite a few hours where I sit at home by myself (like right now!) and sometimes these four walls feel like they're closing in on me. Thank goodness it's summertime so I can at least go outside and take a walk when I need to get away. I spent 3 hours yesterday evening working on my Home Study and afterwards took a 1-hour walk from 8:30 to 9:30 pm just because I couldn't sit here by myself anymore. I never could do that if this were January. So for that reason I am very lucky I'm unemployed in July.

3. And last but not least...Ted: I wish I actually had a real update about Ted but unfortunately, he's the one I've got the least to say about. Ted called me last Friday and told me not to come visit him this coming weekend since he was going out of town with friends. But then he said he'd like to come visit me September 17th because I've got the family summer house then. I wasn't happy about that but thought I'd wait it out and see if he decided he'd want to see me sooner.

Well guess what? I haven't heard from him since! It's now Thursday and since I started conversing with Ted last April, we haven't gone this long without emailing, texting or talking so something really really really is up. Not good.

I was actually pretty upset about it all earlier this week but now that it's Thursday, I'm handling it better I guess. Honestly, at this point I just want to know what's going on as the waiting and wondering is really HARD. I figure it's one of two things: (1) Ted freaked out and just ran away or (2) he's met someone else and doesn't know how to tell me.

This may sound naive but I really don't think it's number 2. I noticed he pulled away as soon as we got back from our vacation earlier this month and I doubt he had the chance to meet someone new that quickly. I really do think it's number 1.

So that said, I'm giving Ted all the space he apparently craves and I'm sure that at some point he will get back in touch. If for no other reason, I think the guilt will eventually get to him. And I'd like to think that at least some of the things about missing me were true so hopefully he's missing me right now. So I'm just going to let him miss me and expect that he will get in touch eventually and at least tell me what's going on with him.

Part of me thinks this all SUCKS hard and I really do miss what I thought we had but the other part of me is thinking that maybe this was a good thing to happen now, if it had to happen at all. It's very early days and although I'm really sad, I'm not as sad as I would be if I had a lot more energy and time invested in this relationship. If this is the guy he really is, then maybe it's best I find this out sooner rather than later. It's really disappointing as I had greater hopes for him but oh well...what can you do? It is what it is.

Another reason this is good that it is happening now is that if Ted was nothing more than a distraction for me, then it's good to get him out of the way before I let him interfere with my goal of becoming a mom. What if I had started to fall for him? Would I question my goal? Since he lives in a different state, I would have to at least consider relocating and if that were the case, I'd have to give up my goal of becoming an adoptive parent in my own state. I've put a great deal of work into this goal of mine and if Ted's not going to honor my soul's desire then best that he's gone sooner rather than later, I guess.

It does really suck though and I was hoping for a better outcome for us. I guess it could still happen of course if Ted decides to suck it up and deal with his issues. But right now it's not looking so great unfortunately. I guess time will tell on this one. But for now...I wait. And I really hate waiting. Ugh