Too Much Change!

I decided to begin this blog because I wanted a way that I could chronicle my journey to motherhood and I think I've done a great job of that. But the thing is, even as I'm trying to become a mom, I've had other "real world" issues start to suck away my attention and I feel like if I don't talk about the other big changes going on in my life, that I will just explode.

I know that I do write about Ted a lot and about the uncertainty surrounding our very new relationship. It stinks that it's still a very new relationship because we've been in contact since April and if he and I lived closer to each other, this relationship would be almost three months old and not quite so new anymore. But since he does live so far away, when I see him this weekend, this will technically be our second "date" and so yeah, our relationship is still very very new. Now granted, the date is going to be four days long so it's not your typical second date but it is still a second date in reality.

So yeah, since I'm going to see him tomorrow, I've started to feel REALLY nervous. And more emotional than I really thought I would. It's been great talking to him and emailing with him and sending texts and photos but they've all been at a distance. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to spend four days with him, nonstop. By the time I come back to Boston, I'm pretty sure that we're going to have had some conversation about where to go from here and I will either come home with a boyfriend...or not. And that's a really scary thought. That my life will be either very enriched or much emptier all of the sudden. The thought of it all is really freaking me out.

I don't want to put so much pressure on this brand new relationship but at the same time, it's been nearly three months and it's time to make some sort of a decision. As much as I'd like to just be easy breezy about it all, I'm really not sure if I can be. I know after the weekend Ted spent here, that I was a nervous wreck for the next four days, wondering what the hell he was thinking and if he would want to see me again. Am I going to be feeling that way again as of Tuesday? Yikes!

I really hope hope hope that he tells me what I want to here: That he really likes me, that he sees a future with me and that he wants to try and make it work. Am i going to hear that? I have no idea. And the not knowing is just tough.

On top of that, I am waiting to hear if I'll be offered a job that I've been interviewing for literally all month now. It's a great company, good money and the job sounds interesting and I've now met with nine people over there over the course of five interviews, so yeah, I feel very invested in this job and hope I get it. I really really really hope I get it actually. And once again, the not knowing is starting to really eat away at me.

I sent the HR rep I've been dealing with an email just to check in, as it's been a week since I last went in. She wrote back pretty quickly asking if I'd be available for a call later this afternoon. As I read that email, my heart started pounding in my chest because I thought "this is it". This is the call saying they want to see my references or that they are going in another direction and i don't get the job. No pressure here right?

I wrote her back asking what time I should be available and she hasn't written back. She hasn't written back I keep hitting refresh on my email every minute, hoping she'll come back with a time so I can just KNOW. But she's not writing me back and I'm just feeling frazzled at this point.

I am telling myself that if she were just going to tell me I'm not getting the job, that she wouldn't feel the need to schedule a call....right? She would just send me an email telling me i didn't get it. Or she would have called me right away to say I didn't get the job. Right??? Then again, she could be busy and might want to schedule the call so that she knows she's available. AAAAAAHHHHH! I just don't know!!

I am trying to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't get this job. If I have to keep interviewing, that's fine because I really haven't been out of work all that long and not to mention, I've got that displacement pay to tide me over until July 2011. I'm fine financially.

More than anything else, I've just emotionally invested myself into this job at this point and feel like I NEED to have it because I've already given so much of myself in the interviewing process. It is also a great job and really solid company and i feel like it would be a really good fit. But if it doesn't work out, it is so not the end of the world. I'll be fine. I will be just fine.

Of course, if for some reason I do not get this job, that would give me more time to work on this blog and hopefully take it somewhere profitable. I could work harder on getting followers and maybe somehow make a living off of this bad boy. That would be a pretty cool thing too, quite honestly.

I guess the good news is, within the next few days I will have answers to some of the huge questions that are making me very crazy right now. It understandable that I'm feeling pretty stressed out because these are both potentially life changing changes so it's no wonder I'm feeling so pressured right now. They're of course pretty awesome changes, provided they both work out. I just need to know at this point. I will feel much better once I know.

And with that, I'm going to go on a stress-relieving run. I definitely need a run today. I bet I will have a great one, what with all the adrenalin running through my body right now.