I decided to begin this blog because I wanted a way that I could chronicle my journey to motherhood and I think I've done a great job of that. But the thing is, even as I'm trying to become a mom, I've had other "real world" issues start to suck away my attention and I feel like if I don't talk about the other big changes going on in my life, that I will just explode.
I know that I do write about Ted a lot and about the uncertainty surrounding our very new relationship. It stinks that it's still a very new relationship because we've been in contact since April and if he and I lived closer to each other, this relationship would be almost three months old and not quite so new anymore. But since he does live so far away, when I see him this weekend, this will technically be our second "date" and so yeah, our relationship is still very very new. Now granted, the date is going to be four days long so it's not your typical second date but it is still a second date in reality.
So yeah, since I'm going to see him tomorrow, I've started to feel REALLY nervous. And more emotional than I really thought I would. It's been great talking to him and emailing with him and sending texts and photos but they've all been at a distance. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to spend four days with him, nonstop. By the time I come back to Boston, I'm pretty sure that we're going to have had some conversation about where to go from here and I will either come home with a boyfriend...or not. And that's a really scary thought. That my life will be either very enriched or much emptier all of the sudden. The thought of it all is really freaking me out.
I don't want to put so much pressure on this brand new relationship but at the same time, it's been nearly three months and it's time to make some sort of a decision. As much as I'd like to just be easy breezy about it all, I'm really not sure if I can be. I know after the weekend Ted spent here, that I was a nervous wreck for the next four days, wondering what the hell he was thinking and if he would want to see me again. Am I going to be feeling that way again as of Tuesday? Yikes!
I really hope hope hope that he tells me what I want to here: That he really likes me, that he sees a future with me and that he wants to try and make it work. Am i going to hear that? I have no idea. And the not knowing is just tough.
On top of that, I am waiting to hear if I'll be offered a job that I've been interviewing for literally all month now. It's a great company, good money and the job sounds interesting and I've now met with nine people over there over the course of five interviews, so yeah, I feel very invested in this job and hope I get it. I really really really hope I get it actually. And once again, the not knowing is starting to really eat away at me.
I sent the HR rep I've been dealing with an email just to check in, as it's been a week since I last went in. She wrote back pretty quickly asking if I'd be available for a call later this afternoon. As I read that email, my heart started pounding in my chest because I thought "this is it". This is the call saying they want to see my references or that they are going in another direction and i don't get the job. No pressure here right?
I wrote her back asking what time I should be available and she hasn't written back. She hasn't written back I keep hitting refresh on my email every minute, hoping she'll come back with a time so I can just KNOW. But she's not writing me back and I'm just feeling frazzled at this point.
I am telling myself that if she were just going to tell me I'm not getting the job, that she wouldn't feel the need to schedule a call....right? She would just send me an email telling me i didn't get it. Or she would have called me right away to say I didn't get the job. Right??? Then again, she could be busy and might want to schedule the call so that she knows she's available. AAAAAAHHHHH! I just don't know!!
I am trying to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't get this job. If I have to keep interviewing, that's fine because I really haven't been out of work all that long and not to mention, I've got that displacement pay to tide me over until July 2011. I'm fine financially.
More than anything else, I've just emotionally invested myself into this job at this point and feel like I NEED to have it because I've already given so much of myself in the interviewing process. It is also a great job and really solid company and i feel like it would be a really good fit. But if it doesn't work out, it is so not the end of the world. I'll be fine. I will be just fine.
Of course, if for some reason I do not get this job, that would give me more time to work on this blog and hopefully take it somewhere profitable. I could work harder on getting followers and maybe somehow make a living off of this bad boy. That would be a pretty cool thing too, quite honestly.
I guess the good news is, within the next few days I will have answers to some of the huge questions that are making me very crazy right now. It understandable that I'm feeling pretty stressed out because these are both potentially life changing changes so it's no wonder I'm feeling so pressured right now. They're of course pretty awesome changes, provided they both work out. I just need to know at this point. I will feel much better once I know.
And with that, I'm going to go on a stress-relieving run. I definitely need a run today. I bet I will have a great one, what with all the adrenalin running through my body right now.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Goal Review
It's funny but when I started this blog, I thought I had my life kind of planned out. I was going to pursue motherhood as the number 1 goal in my life and write a blog about all the steps I would take along the way. I was going to continue with the IUI treatments for as long as I felt comfortable doing so and in the meantime, start the adoption process via the state's foster care system. Seems all well thought out and like a great plan right?
Well so a week after I leave my job, I receive the first email from Ted, the blast from my past boyfriend from my senior year in college. Although incredibly unexpected, that didn't change my plans of course because what's an email? Just a "hello" from someone I hadn't heard from in many many years.
But then that email turned into many more emails. And those emails turned into phone calls, which turned into a visit which turned into another planned visit. I will fly down to see Ted on Thursday in just three short days and we'll spend four days together. I figure that will be enough time to see if this relationship has any legs to it and we'll decide what the future holds for us, if anything, at that point. If Ted and I decide this weekend that we want to move forward with a relationship, this could change a few things.
I've already decided that while I'm considering a relationship with Ted, that I'm going to put the IUI treatments on hold for now. It's just too much for the beginning of a relationship and I really don't want to sabotage anything. It's a tough decision because I know that I don't have a ton of time left to get pregnant (if I can even still get pregnant) but I just don't think I could have that big a secret from him right now. It's just too much too soon. So i made the decision to put the IUI's on hold.
I am still attending the foster parent training classes but since the adoption process is so long and drawn out, i really feel like that I can continue with this option without it impacting my relationship, at this point. I have the benefit of time with this option and I definitely will take full advantage of it. I have three classes left, then move onto the home study, which will take a few months. And only after that will I begin to look at kids that I could adopt. That said, I've got until October before I have to make any sort of decisions on which way my life will go and hopefully I will know what the relationship holds for me by then. I'm really sure that it will all become quite clear by then so I'm not worried.
I did decide that I'm going to hold off on telling Ted what I'm looking into, just because I don't think it's necessary to scare the bejeezus out of the guy at this stage of the relationship. Nothing's been set in stone and since I'm putting the IUIs on hold, there is absolutely no urgency, so why freak him out???
I'm not exactly thrilled about keeping this information from Ted, since it's such a huge part of my life. But at the same time, I have to weigh my desire for total truth with what I think he could handle. And I'm not sure this is a bombshell topic that should be discussed just yet. I'd rather hold a few cards close to my chest right now than risk him running away for good. So yeah, mum's the word on becoming a mum. For now at least.
I will say I feel like having multiple options makes me feel a bit less stressed in the sense that I've got a back-up plan, regardless of what happens. I would love for the relationship with Ted to work out and that we get married, have babies and live happily ever after. But if that's not in the cards for whatever reason, at least I know that I'm still pursuing goals that are near and dear to my heart. I am not putting all my eggs (so to speak) in one basket with Ted and that does ease the pressure a bit.
Hopefully everything works out perfectly for me this year because after all, that's what we all want. Regardless, it's going to be quite a wild ride what with all the insane change I've got going on in my life right now. Should be an interesting year to say the least.
Well so a week after I leave my job, I receive the first email from Ted, the blast from my past boyfriend from my senior year in college. Although incredibly unexpected, that didn't change my plans of course because what's an email? Just a "hello" from someone I hadn't heard from in many many years.
But then that email turned into many more emails. And those emails turned into phone calls, which turned into a visit which turned into another planned visit. I will fly down to see Ted on Thursday in just three short days and we'll spend four days together. I figure that will be enough time to see if this relationship has any legs to it and we'll decide what the future holds for us, if anything, at that point. If Ted and I decide this weekend that we want to move forward with a relationship, this could change a few things.
I've already decided that while I'm considering a relationship with Ted, that I'm going to put the IUI treatments on hold for now. It's just too much for the beginning of a relationship and I really don't want to sabotage anything. It's a tough decision because I know that I don't have a ton of time left to get pregnant (if I can even still get pregnant) but I just don't think I could have that big a secret from him right now. It's just too much too soon. So i made the decision to put the IUI's on hold.
I am still attending the foster parent training classes but since the adoption process is so long and drawn out, i really feel like that I can continue with this option without it impacting my relationship, at this point. I have the benefit of time with this option and I definitely will take full advantage of it. I have three classes left, then move onto the home study, which will take a few months. And only after that will I begin to look at kids that I could adopt. That said, I've got until October before I have to make any sort of decisions on which way my life will go and hopefully I will know what the relationship holds for me by then. I'm really sure that it will all become quite clear by then so I'm not worried.
I did decide that I'm going to hold off on telling Ted what I'm looking into, just because I don't think it's necessary to scare the bejeezus out of the guy at this stage of the relationship. Nothing's been set in stone and since I'm putting the IUIs on hold, there is absolutely no urgency, so why freak him out???
I'm not exactly thrilled about keeping this information from Ted, since it's such a huge part of my life. But at the same time, I have to weigh my desire for total truth with what I think he could handle. And I'm not sure this is a bombshell topic that should be discussed just yet. I'd rather hold a few cards close to my chest right now than risk him running away for good. So yeah, mum's the word on becoming a mum. For now at least.
I will say I feel like having multiple options makes me feel a bit less stressed in the sense that I've got a back-up plan, regardless of what happens. I would love for the relationship with Ted to work out and that we get married, have babies and live happily ever after. But if that's not in the cards for whatever reason, at least I know that I'm still pursuing goals that are near and dear to my heart. I am not putting all my eggs (so to speak) in one basket with Ted and that does ease the pressure a bit.
Hopefully everything works out perfectly for me this year because after all, that's what we all want. Regardless, it's going to be quite a wild ride what with all the insane change I've got going on in my life right now. Should be an interesting year to say the least.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Today's Public Service Announcement
I finished Class number four of foster parent training last night and once again, my heart breaks for these poor little cherubs who've had to shoulder so much pain and suffering in their young lives. Sigh...the case studies we discussed last night really seriously make me want to cry. Little kids who've been molested by mom's boyfriend and then put into foster care because mom chose the boyfriend over her own child; children who don't even know how to bathe because they've been so badly neglected; And kids who hoarde food because they have no idea what stability is since they've been in five or six different foster homes over the course of their young lives. It's just ridiculously sad that this could happen to an adult, let alone an innocent child.
Okay ladies (and gentlemen), here's a message for you: Caring for a child is a true gift and if you're not ready for it .... then don't do it! Hello people. You have options. Women still have the legal option to terminate a pregnancy and there are Safe Haven laws in just about every state. If you do actually give birth and can't care for the baby, you can take advantage of the many social services available to you. Please ladies. Do the right thing by your children. They didn't ask to be born so you need to do the responsible thing and make sure they have the healthy happy future they deserve.
And that would be my public service announcement for the day. You may now carry on with your regularly scheduled programming.
Okay ladies (and gentlemen), here's a message for you: Caring for a child is a true gift and if you're not ready for it .... then don't do it! Hello people. You have options. Women still have the legal option to terminate a pregnancy and there are Safe Haven laws in just about every state. If you do actually give birth and can't care for the baby, you can take advantage of the many social services available to you. Please ladies. Do the right thing by your children. They didn't ask to be born so you need to do the responsible thing and make sure they have the healthy happy future they deserve.
And that would be my public service announcement for the day. You may now carry on with your regularly scheduled programming.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Reminders Everywhere
I was just watching "Ellen", which is usually a big guilty habit of mine, now that I'm gainfully unemployed. It started off funny and interesting enough. Ellen was interviewing Heidi Klum and she was talking about the stolen photos that someone sold to the tabloids. I thought to myself, geez, I'm really glad i'm not a celebrity because i can barely handle writing a blog -- I post everything anonymously and even make up pseudonyms for my friends and family. I couldn't imagine having my entire life out on display like that. I'd cringe.
So that's the reflective mood I was in when Ellen moved onto the next segment with Heidi, which was, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant". In this segment, Heidi got to promote her new line of maternity wear by playing a game with Ellen. Six visibly pregnant women came out, Heidi and Ellen asked them questions and then had to guess if the qomwn were really pregnant or just faking (hence the title "Pregnant or Not Pregnant).
I will say that the women who were faking their pregnancies were lousy liars and it was pretty obvious they've never been pregnant before. But there was one woman that Heidi didn't even need to ask any questions of because she just knew the woman was pregant. Heidi said the woman glowed.
I looked closely at the woman and she was indeed glowing. She looked so happy. And I'm very happy for her but it just made me so sad for a few minutes because I want to glow too! I really really want a baby. Is it possible that I ever will?
I've also been shopping for pack 'n plays the last 24 hours because my sister is coming with her kids in a few weeks so I thought I'd have something available for Kacie to sleep in (she's 2). And seeing these beautiful babies in the photos...well wow. It's just hard. I have to keep myself from buying the high end pack 'n plays because well, at this point, what's the point? I'd so love a reason to have a good one though and think, is it possible if I buy one, that'll bring the babies to me? I know...not very logical but I guess I'm not feeling very logical right now.
Sadly, I appear to be faced with my own creeping age because the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, on absolute fire, and all I can think of is, great...hot flashes. Menopause. It's not that warm out so I can't blame the weather so all that i've got left is the big M. I can't believe it though. I'm only 43 years old. I am too young for this!
I went to "Sex and the City" last week (lousy movie...don't waste your time if you haven't seen it yet) and in it, Samantha is in full on menopause mode. But the thing is, Samantha is 52. I'm only 43. This is so not fair!
Is it possible to still get pregnant once you start getting these middle of the night hot flashes? I'm still getting my "monthly gift" and I'm pretty sure I was pregnant in April, even if it was only for like 10 minutes. Is it possible for the Universe to still hand me a gift and allow me to carry a healthy little baby boy or girl full term? I don't know.
Anyway, that's my mindset today and I am going to go to foster parenting class tonight because at least I know I can do that. This will be class four out of eight so after tonight, I'm halfway done. So that's good. I guess I will just focus on what I can accomplish right now and try not to think about the things I don't have much control over. It's just hard sometimes. Maybe I'll go cheer myself up with some chocolate right now....
So that's the reflective mood I was in when Ellen moved onto the next segment with Heidi, which was, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant". In this segment, Heidi got to promote her new line of maternity wear by playing a game with Ellen. Six visibly pregnant women came out, Heidi and Ellen asked them questions and then had to guess if the qomwn were really pregnant or just faking (hence the title "Pregnant or Not Pregnant).
I will say that the women who were faking their pregnancies were lousy liars and it was pretty obvious they've never been pregnant before. But there was one woman that Heidi didn't even need to ask any questions of because she just knew the woman was pregant. Heidi said the woman glowed.
I looked closely at the woman and she was indeed glowing. She looked so happy. And I'm very happy for her but it just made me so sad for a few minutes because I want to glow too! I really really want a baby. Is it possible that I ever will?
I've also been shopping for pack 'n plays the last 24 hours because my sister is coming with her kids in a few weeks so I thought I'd have something available for Kacie to sleep in (she's 2). And seeing these beautiful babies in the photos...well wow. It's just hard. I have to keep myself from buying the high end pack 'n plays because well, at this point, what's the point? I'd so love a reason to have a good one though and think, is it possible if I buy one, that'll bring the babies to me? I know...not very logical but I guess I'm not feeling very logical right now.
Sadly, I appear to be faced with my own creeping age because the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, on absolute fire, and all I can think of is, great...hot flashes. Menopause. It's not that warm out so I can't blame the weather so all that i've got left is the big M. I can't believe it though. I'm only 43 years old. I am too young for this!
I went to "Sex and the City" last week (lousy movie...don't waste your time if you haven't seen it yet) and in it, Samantha is in full on menopause mode. But the thing is, Samantha is 52. I'm only 43. This is so not fair!
Is it possible to still get pregnant once you start getting these middle of the night hot flashes? I'm still getting my "monthly gift" and I'm pretty sure I was pregnant in April, even if it was only for like 10 minutes. Is it possible for the Universe to still hand me a gift and allow me to carry a healthy little baby boy or girl full term? I don't know.
Anyway, that's my mindset today and I am going to go to foster parenting class tonight because at least I know I can do that. This will be class four out of eight so after tonight, I'm halfway done. So that's good. I guess I will just focus on what I can accomplish right now and try not to think about the things I don't have much control over. It's just hard sometimes. Maybe I'll go cheer myself up with some chocolate right now....
Monday, June 14, 2010
Back to Reality
It's Monday, the sun has finally made an appearance after hiding behind many rain clouds for many days and I'm feeling more grounded than I did last week. I will definitely say that I was productive today: I did a volunteer project downtown (I taught English to African refugees), caught up with some friends and even set up a third interview for a new job. So, not a bad day at all. Not a bad day, indeed.
I was feeling all out of sorts last week because my visit with Ted went so well and after he left I started FREAKING OUT because after all, that's what girls do who don't know what the future of a relationship holds. Or at least that's what this girl does. So I did.
It's been such a LONG time since I had a great weekend with a guy...so long. And it was a little overwhelming (okay, a lot). I think I was living off adrenalin for the entire time he was here so once he left, I was like, okay now what do I do???
Not only did I feel a little lost but I was also wound up with thoughts like, Are we a couple? Does he like me? What's he thinking? When am I going to see him again? Am I going to see him again? Are we going to get married and have babies together??? You get the general drift. Anyway, all those thoughts really drove me totally batty last week and it was tough! I couldn't concentrate, my sleep was all messed up and my emotions were flying all over the place. Seriously, it was tough.
Thankfully my emotions have settled down this week and I'm able to function like a normal person again. The adrenalin has subsided and I've had a few really good conversations with Ted so I actually do know what he's thinking now. I like what he's thinking, now at least.
He was apparently freaking out last week and jumping WAY ahead. He wondered how we'd be able to live together with him living on a small boat in DC and working in Virginia, about 500 miles away from me. He said we really have a few things to figure out here if I am going to be moving in with him.
I was like, yikes! We spent a total of 36 hours together in the last 20 years and you're already discussing who's going to live where with who? Really??? No! Too soon!
I suggested to him that it might be a good idea to calm down about us moving in with each other and I suggested we spend a little more time together before we start making plans for the long-term future just yet.
(Meanwhile, who knew that Jax could be the voice of reason? Yeah, he really must have gone off the deep end if I am actually the voice of reason! I'm the person that would get married next week if given the right opportunity and a nice ring. But just don't tell Ted I said that).
Anyway, whatever I said must have resonated with Ted because he did indeed calm down and took it all a step backwards. What a relief. I just don't know if I could deal with his freaked out emotions on top of my frazzled nerves. A girl can only handle so much, you know?
So now we have plans to get together for the long holiday 4th of July weekend. This should be a real test of how well we get along, as it's going to be the most time we've spent together in a really long time. I actually feel pretty confident about it all but who knows. Life has thrown more than one crazy curve ball at me in the past so you jut never know for sure. I will say that I'm cautiously optimistic though.
I fly down to DC on July 1st and I'll stay down there until July 5th so this will be four completely uninterrupted days together. (Okay, well actually three uninterrupted days plus one day where he's got to work during the day but you get the idea.)
We've been emailing and texting a lot the last couple of days too so it's definitely been fun. He's funny and cute and smart and sigh...yeah I'm a smitten kitten. I think we'll have a lot of fun and I can't wait for that long holiday weekend to get here.
The only thing that makes me nervous is that I am still pursuing my own goals of having a child and I have no idea what he feels about that prospect. He told me today that he's buying a bigger boat, presumably because his current boat won't really hold the both of us for longer than a weekend, but honestly, I really don't want to be living on a boat, kids ro not. At least not a boat that he's buying. Let's just say Ted sent me the link to the ad for the boat he likes and it costs the same amount of money as my 2005 Toyota RAV-4 that I just bought used. I can't imagine living in my car but I'm not sure his boat is that much of an upgrade.
Not to mention, I just don't want to live on a boat! I have worked hard to save the money to buy a condo and then buy it and decorate and maintain everything. I love being a home owner and I don't want to give all that up to live on someone's random boat.
Hmmm...okay so maybe here I am going off the deep end and getting ahead of myself. He hasn't said that he wants me to live on his boat with him and who's to say that this boat can't be sold when we're ready to settle down. It's all still early days so I should probably take my own advice and calm down.
I do think that it's probably time to get out in the open that I'm making every effort to become a mom though. I certainly can't lie to him if he asks what kind of class I'm taking on Tuesday nights and I don't want to trap him into anything without his knowledge and consent either. So yes, time to clear the air here. I guess that conversation will happen when I get down to DC. Scary but hopefully he and I will be on similar paths. I really do like Ted and I'd like to make a future happen. Wish me luck, that's all I can say.
I was feeling all out of sorts last week because my visit with Ted went so well and after he left I started FREAKING OUT because after all, that's what girls do who don't know what the future of a relationship holds. Or at least that's what this girl does. So I did.
It's been such a LONG time since I had a great weekend with a guy...so long. And it was a little overwhelming (okay, a lot). I think I was living off adrenalin for the entire time he was here so once he left, I was like, okay now what do I do???
Not only did I feel a little lost but I was also wound up with thoughts like, Are we a couple? Does he like me? What's he thinking? When am I going to see him again? Am I going to see him again? Are we going to get married and have babies together??? You get the general drift. Anyway, all those thoughts really drove me totally batty last week and it was tough! I couldn't concentrate, my sleep was all messed up and my emotions were flying all over the place. Seriously, it was tough.
Thankfully my emotions have settled down this week and I'm able to function like a normal person again. The adrenalin has subsided and I've had a few really good conversations with Ted so I actually do know what he's thinking now. I like what he's thinking, now at least.
He was apparently freaking out last week and jumping WAY ahead. He wondered how we'd be able to live together with him living on a small boat in DC and working in Virginia, about 500 miles away from me. He said we really have a few things to figure out here if I am going to be moving in with him.
I was like, yikes! We spent a total of 36 hours together in the last 20 years and you're already discussing who's going to live where with who? Really??? No! Too soon!
I suggested to him that it might be a good idea to calm down about us moving in with each other and I suggested we spend a little more time together before we start making plans for the long-term future just yet.
(Meanwhile, who knew that Jax could be the voice of reason? Yeah, he really must have gone off the deep end if I am actually the voice of reason! I'm the person that would get married next week if given the right opportunity and a nice ring. But just don't tell Ted I said that).
Anyway, whatever I said must have resonated with Ted because he did indeed calm down and took it all a step backwards. What a relief. I just don't know if I could deal with his freaked out emotions on top of my frazzled nerves. A girl can only handle so much, you know?
So now we have plans to get together for the long holiday 4th of July weekend. This should be a real test of how well we get along, as it's going to be the most time we've spent together in a really long time. I actually feel pretty confident about it all but who knows. Life has thrown more than one crazy curve ball at me in the past so you jut never know for sure. I will say that I'm cautiously optimistic though.
I fly down to DC on July 1st and I'll stay down there until July 5th so this will be four completely uninterrupted days together. (Okay, well actually three uninterrupted days plus one day where he's got to work during the day but you get the idea.)
We've been emailing and texting a lot the last couple of days too so it's definitely been fun. He's funny and cute and smart and sigh...yeah I'm a smitten kitten. I think we'll have a lot of fun and I can't wait for that long holiday weekend to get here.
The only thing that makes me nervous is that I am still pursuing my own goals of having a child and I have no idea what he feels about that prospect. He told me today that he's buying a bigger boat, presumably because his current boat won't really hold the both of us for longer than a weekend, but honestly, I really don't want to be living on a boat, kids ro not. At least not a boat that he's buying. Let's just say Ted sent me the link to the ad for the boat he likes and it costs the same amount of money as my 2005 Toyota RAV-4 that I just bought used. I can't imagine living in my car but I'm not sure his boat is that much of an upgrade.
Not to mention, I just don't want to live on a boat! I have worked hard to save the money to buy a condo and then buy it and decorate and maintain everything. I love being a home owner and I don't want to give all that up to live on someone's random boat.
Hmmm...okay so maybe here I am going off the deep end and getting ahead of myself. He hasn't said that he wants me to live on his boat with him and who's to say that this boat can't be sold when we're ready to settle down. It's all still early days so I should probably take my own advice and calm down.
I do think that it's probably time to get out in the open that I'm making every effort to become a mom though. I certainly can't lie to him if he asks what kind of class I'm taking on Tuesday nights and I don't want to trap him into anything without his knowledge and consent either. So yes, time to clear the air here. I guess that conversation will happen when I get down to DC. Scary but hopefully he and I will be on similar paths. I really do like Ted and I'd like to make a future happen. Wish me luck, that's all I can say.
Monday, June 7, 2010
A Blast From The Past Returns
I've had quite the weekend and today I've got an interview and then foster parenting class tonight, so I don't have a ton of time to write. No rest for the weary and all that. But I did want to get online and share the details of my weekend before I forget. It was quite fun.
Not sure who has read back to the beginning of this blog but a few posts ago I mentioned a blast from the past boyfriend who had reappeared out of nowhere to cause quite a stir in my life again. I'd called him "Ted", mostly because I really like the Ted Moseby character on "How I Met Your Mother". (Have you met my friend Ted??). He seems like a really sweet guy and I think this Ted is too. Anyway, fake Ted came and visited me this weekend and needless to say, we had a pretty cool time. So I thought I'd share a few of the details at least.
He got here pretty late on Friday night because he drove about 8 hours after work in heavy traffic to come see me (sounds romantic doesn't it???) It was a little awkward at first because, well, honestly I hadn't seen him since I was 23 years old. And yeah, that was quite a few years ago.
Funny thing though. We stayed up for a while talking and stuff and by the time morning came around, I actually felt pretty comfortable with him and pretty quickly too.
It's weird because I've re-met a few people from way back when and I've often found that we've both changed into very different people and then didn't have much in common anymore. But that didn't seem to happen with Ted. The stuff we did have in common that made us compatible way back when seems to still be there. He's really easy to talk to, he's got a goofy sense of humor like mine and he's super energetic, like I am.
But there are new things too. Like he is a runner now and has even run a marathon. Meanwhile, I'm a runner now and plan to run my first marathon in the fall (Go Dublin!) We actually talked about going running this weekend (he brought his running gear) but it was a really busy weekend and there was just no time. But it's nice to have a common interest with him like that.
So Ted passed my test but the bigger test was whether or not my friends would like him and ... I am happy to say that he passed with flying colors. I took him as my "Plus One" to my friend Michelle's wedding and he was the perfect wedding date. He was very attentive, friendly to my pals and just very fun to be around. Oh and I will also say he looked very handsome in his gray suit and maroon tie, which my girlfriends indeed noticed. I've been looking at the pictures I posted on Facebook and I just think he's incredibly hot looking in a suit. I do always love a man in a suit. Yum!
Something I was happy about as well was that we really had the opportunity to talk this weekend and not only catch up on our lives but to also put some closure to what happened with us the first time around. It was really interesting to hear his take on how our relationship ended because it was quite different from my point of view and that was surprising to me.
Ted asked me how we ended and I was like, "um you broke up with me". He strongly denied that allegation though so I took the time to remind him of the circumstances: He called me up one night, told me he was moving away to Wyoming and that this was something he needed to do. I had asked him when he was moving and he said "next week". I was pretty shocked and asked how come this was the first time I'd heard of this. His response: "I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd talk me out of it and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".
When I reminded him of this discussion he replied, "well yeah, but that wasn't a break up call". I just laughed because well, what else could it be? He was calling me to say he was moving away and said he had no plans to see me again. To me that means we're breaking up. But apparently he saw it as just on a break, as opposed to breaking up. I think he thought he could go off and do his thing for as long as he needed to (including hooking up with other girls) and that I'd be back here waiting for him when he was ready to be the Prodigal Son returning home. Hahaha, yeah, I didn't sign up for that, needless to say and definitely moved on with out him. So when he came to visit his family about a year later and we got together for dinner, I guess he was a little surprised that I (a) brought a friend with me and (b) when I drove he got stuck sitting in the back seat! That was a shocker to him. Haha. I bet it was.
He was pretty blown away by the conversation and all I could think was, can guys really be this clueless??? Well I think we do all know the answer to that question.
He said some incredibly sweet things after that. He was sorry for hurting me and he didn't realize that he was even doing that. He just wasn't ready to grow up yet and was feeling pressured to do so. He knew we had a pretty great relationship but he was young and didn't realize how special it was. He thought, well, this must be how all relationships are. But he discovered in this great big life of his that it wasn't the case. And now he feels bad for wasting so much time in between because if he'd gotten his brain together quicker, we could have been together sooner. Those are some of the sweetest things anyone has ever really said to me, I have to say. I'm getting a little teary just thinking about the conversation actually.
Anyway, the weekend absolutely flew by and next thing you know, Ted had to leave to drive back home. So it was a whirlwind visit but since he had no idea what to expect out of me after so many years, it didn't really surprise me that he made sure to have such a quick trip. As far as he knew, I could have gained 50 lbs and sprouted a goiter in my back or something (I didn't on either count, for the record).
I've heard from Ted via phone, email and text since he left and he's told me that he had a great time here with me and that he wants me to come visit him at some point too. And he made mention of coming back to visit me too, so I am thinking this relationship might have legs. I hope at least. But I don't want to say too much because who knows what will happen. No jinxing, no way!
By the way, Ted has no idea about my baby plans just yet because honestly, that's an awful lot to spring on a guy who's visiting me for the first time in a gazillion years. And who's been divorced for all of six months too, I might add. I took him to a wedding, introduced him to a bunch of my friends and frankly, that's enough for one weekend. Baby talk will come at some later point when I feel the time is right. I do know he wants kids because he said one of the reasons he got divorced is because he wanted kids and his wife did not. So that's a good sign there at least. I don't know how he'd feel about my fertility issues but once again, a conversation for another day.
So now I am off to get ready for my interview and with that I shall bid you adieu for the day. Cheerio!
Not sure who has read back to the beginning of this blog but a few posts ago I mentioned a blast from the past boyfriend who had reappeared out of nowhere to cause quite a stir in my life again. I'd called him "Ted", mostly because I really like the Ted Moseby character on "How I Met Your Mother". (Have you met my friend Ted??). He seems like a really sweet guy and I think this Ted is too. Anyway, fake Ted came and visited me this weekend and needless to say, we had a pretty cool time. So I thought I'd share a few of the details at least.
He got here pretty late on Friday night because he drove about 8 hours after work in heavy traffic to come see me (sounds romantic doesn't it???) It was a little awkward at first because, well, honestly I hadn't seen him since I was 23 years old. And yeah, that was quite a few years ago.
Funny thing though. We stayed up for a while talking and stuff and by the time morning came around, I actually felt pretty comfortable with him and pretty quickly too.
It's weird because I've re-met a few people from way back when and I've often found that we've both changed into very different people and then didn't have much in common anymore. But that didn't seem to happen with Ted. The stuff we did have in common that made us compatible way back when seems to still be there. He's really easy to talk to, he's got a goofy sense of humor like mine and he's super energetic, like I am.
But there are new things too. Like he is a runner now and has even run a marathon. Meanwhile, I'm a runner now and plan to run my first marathon in the fall (Go Dublin!) We actually talked about going running this weekend (he brought his running gear) but it was a really busy weekend and there was just no time. But it's nice to have a common interest with him like that.
So Ted passed my test but the bigger test was whether or not my friends would like him and ... I am happy to say that he passed with flying colors. I took him as my "Plus One" to my friend Michelle's wedding and he was the perfect wedding date. He was very attentive, friendly to my pals and just very fun to be around. Oh and I will also say he looked very handsome in his gray suit and maroon tie, which my girlfriends indeed noticed. I've been looking at the pictures I posted on Facebook and I just think he's incredibly hot looking in a suit. I do always love a man in a suit. Yum!
Something I was happy about as well was that we really had the opportunity to talk this weekend and not only catch up on our lives but to also put some closure to what happened with us the first time around. It was really interesting to hear his take on how our relationship ended because it was quite different from my point of view and that was surprising to me.
Ted asked me how we ended and I was like, "um you broke up with me". He strongly denied that allegation though so I took the time to remind him of the circumstances: He called me up one night, told me he was moving away to Wyoming and that this was something he needed to do. I had asked him when he was moving and he said "next week". I was pretty shocked and asked how come this was the first time I'd heard of this. His response: "I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd talk me out of it and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".
When I reminded him of this discussion he replied, "well yeah, but that wasn't a break up call". I just laughed because well, what else could it be? He was calling me to say he was moving away and said he had no plans to see me again. To me that means we're breaking up. But apparently he saw it as just on a break, as opposed to breaking up. I think he thought he could go off and do his thing for as long as he needed to (including hooking up with other girls) and that I'd be back here waiting for him when he was ready to be the Prodigal Son returning home. Hahaha, yeah, I didn't sign up for that, needless to say and definitely moved on with out him. So when he came to visit his family about a year later and we got together for dinner, I guess he was a little surprised that I (a) brought a friend with me and (b) when I drove he got stuck sitting in the back seat! That was a shocker to him. Haha. I bet it was.
He was pretty blown away by the conversation and all I could think was, can guys really be this clueless??? Well I think we do all know the answer to that question.
He said some incredibly sweet things after that. He was sorry for hurting me and he didn't realize that he was even doing that. He just wasn't ready to grow up yet and was feeling pressured to do so. He knew we had a pretty great relationship but he was young and didn't realize how special it was. He thought, well, this must be how all relationships are. But he discovered in this great big life of his that it wasn't the case. And now he feels bad for wasting so much time in between because if he'd gotten his brain together quicker, we could have been together sooner. Those are some of the sweetest things anyone has ever really said to me, I have to say. I'm getting a little teary just thinking about the conversation actually.
Anyway, the weekend absolutely flew by and next thing you know, Ted had to leave to drive back home. So it was a whirlwind visit but since he had no idea what to expect out of me after so many years, it didn't really surprise me that he made sure to have such a quick trip. As far as he knew, I could have gained 50 lbs and sprouted a goiter in my back or something (I didn't on either count, for the record).
I've heard from Ted via phone, email and text since he left and he's told me that he had a great time here with me and that he wants me to come visit him at some point too. And he made mention of coming back to visit me too, so I am thinking this relationship might have legs. I hope at least. But I don't want to say too much because who knows what will happen. No jinxing, no way!
By the way, Ted has no idea about my baby plans just yet because honestly, that's an awful lot to spring on a guy who's visiting me for the first time in a gazillion years. And who's been divorced for all of six months too, I might add. I took him to a wedding, introduced him to a bunch of my friends and frankly, that's enough for one weekend. Baby talk will come at some later point when I feel the time is right. I do know he wants kids because he said one of the reasons he got divorced is because he wanted kids and his wife did not. So that's a good sign there at least. I don't know how he'd feel about my fertility issues but once again, a conversation for another day.
So now I am off to get ready for my interview and with that I shall bid you adieu for the day. Cheerio!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
They Said What???
Happy June everybody! And by everybody I mean the three friends and family members who are currently my "followers" here at the "Baby Steps" blog. Hmmm...I really do need to figure out how to market this blog so people can find me easier. And by "easier" I really mean "at all", because right now I think I'm pretty invisible to the rest of the world. I discovered the other day that even if I type the exact name of my blog into Google, my blog does not appear in the results list. And that is a bit problematic if I am trying to turn blogging into a lucrative career. Generally to make money off your work, you need to have people actually read your work and if they can't find your work, they probably won't read it. Funny how that works.
Anyway, I went way off topic there for a minute but now I am back. Today's post is going to be about people's reactions to my telling them that I am planning to adopt a child through foster care. Yes, I started telling people this because I am tired of keeping the secret all to myself and also, I felt like maybe this was a little less controversial a subject than telling people that I plan to conceive a child on my own.
That may be true but I've certainly had an interesting array of responses from people, some good, some not so good. The most interesting (and by interesting I mean obnoxious) response came indirectly via my neighbor and friend, Lynne. She had a little pillowtalk going on with the guy she's dating I guess and so she told him my plan one evening when they were chatting. According to Lynne, her male friend was not exactly supportive of my decision and told her so in very plain terms. His response to her comment was, "tell her not to do that. Jax is a pretty girl and I'm sure she can get herself a husband. No guy's going to want her if she's got a kid. Tell her to go get a husband instead." Wow. Tell me how you really feel, buddy.
So yes, this guy, who's pushing 50 years old and has never had a long-term relationship thinks that I will take advice from him? I certainly hope not. But yeah, still a pretty mean thing to say, although in his defense, he probably didn't realize that Lynne would be telling me what he said, verbatim. Lynne does actually need to learn how to sugarcoat her words as she tends to get herself into trouble with what she says sometimes, but that's a different topic for an entirely different day. Regardless though. Keep those thoughts to yourself, buddy. Thanks.
Another reaction came from a long-time friend who is going through a big transition in life herself so we've had many a long conversation about life and what our next steps should be. She's recently married, planning to relocate to her husband's city (many many miles away) and very worried about the Future and the Great Unknown out there, which is far away from her home, her family and all the security she has in life. She's a bit freaked out about all the change going on in her life, to say the least.
Anyway, that said, I told her about all the fertility issues I went through and how I needed to change course at this point, blah blah blah. She's only a few years younger than I am and I told her everything I was dealing with because I wanted her to be forewarned. I would have LOVED it if someone were this blunt with me when I was 39 because maybe I wouldn't be in the place I'm in if they were. Sadly, that wasn't meant to be though and so I just do what I can for others now.
After I told her all about my recent rollercoaster ride, her response to me was, "maybe it's good that all this happened, Jax. Because now maybe you could instead focus just on helping other people have babies and not worry so much about you having a child yourself".
Um really?? So what she was saying was, "don't try to have a kid yourself...just help other people have kids." Oh yes, now that's what I call fulfilling!
I of course told her that was not going to happen and after she realized what she had said and how it had come out, she did apologize and took her words back. She does think foster care adoption is an admirable decision and so I think she just spoke in the moment without thinking about what she was saying before she said it. And she apologized, I accepted her apology and that was that. It was kind of hurtful in the moment but what am I going to do?
Moving on, I am seeing my friend from high school later today, the one who hasn't been all that supportive of my choice in the past and who I decided not to confide in any further. However I did tell her I take a class on Tuesday nights and she of course asked me, what class am I taking. I wasn't in the mood to tell her on the phone that I am taking a parenting class through the state's Department of Children and Services so I just told her at the time, "long story" and left it at that. But I'm sure she's going to ask again when I see her and this time I will have to spill the beans. I'm not really interested in hearing anybody else's reaction anymore though so I don't know, perhaps I'll kind of brush it off so I don't have to hear, "why would you want to do that???" again. I don't know. We'll see.
So that said, I do have class tonight and maybe I'll ask the other people if they are getting weird reactions from people they tell their plans to, as well. I think it's definitely different for me as I'm single and a 40-year-old single woman is still a freak of nature to many people. And so add an adopted kid into the mix and people really have no idea how to react. But I would like to hear other people's thoughts too so I will ask. So stay tuned for their responses. I will let you know as soon as I know myself.
Anyway, I went way off topic there for a minute but now I am back. Today's post is going to be about people's reactions to my telling them that I am planning to adopt a child through foster care. Yes, I started telling people this because I am tired of keeping the secret all to myself and also, I felt like maybe this was a little less controversial a subject than telling people that I plan to conceive a child on my own.
That may be true but I've certainly had an interesting array of responses from people, some good, some not so good. The most interesting (and by interesting I mean obnoxious) response came indirectly via my neighbor and friend, Lynne. She had a little pillowtalk going on with the guy she's dating I guess and so she told him my plan one evening when they were chatting. According to Lynne, her male friend was not exactly supportive of my decision and told her so in very plain terms. His response to her comment was, "tell her not to do that. Jax is a pretty girl and I'm sure she can get herself a husband. No guy's going to want her if she's got a kid. Tell her to go get a husband instead." Wow. Tell me how you really feel, buddy.
So yes, this guy, who's pushing 50 years old and has never had a long-term relationship thinks that I will take advice from him? I certainly hope not. But yeah, still a pretty mean thing to say, although in his defense, he probably didn't realize that Lynne would be telling me what he said, verbatim. Lynne does actually need to learn how to sugarcoat her words as she tends to get herself into trouble with what she says sometimes, but that's a different topic for an entirely different day. Regardless though. Keep those thoughts to yourself, buddy. Thanks.
Another reaction came from a long-time friend who is going through a big transition in life herself so we've had many a long conversation about life and what our next steps should be. She's recently married, planning to relocate to her husband's city (many many miles away) and very worried about the Future and the Great Unknown out there, which is far away from her home, her family and all the security she has in life. She's a bit freaked out about all the change going on in her life, to say the least.
Anyway, that said, I told her about all the fertility issues I went through and how I needed to change course at this point, blah blah blah. She's only a few years younger than I am and I told her everything I was dealing with because I wanted her to be forewarned. I would have LOVED it if someone were this blunt with me when I was 39 because maybe I wouldn't be in the place I'm in if they were. Sadly, that wasn't meant to be though and so I just do what I can for others now.
After I told her all about my recent rollercoaster ride, her response to me was, "maybe it's good that all this happened, Jax. Because now maybe you could instead focus just on helping other people have babies and not worry so much about you having a child yourself".
Um really?? So what she was saying was, "don't try to have a kid yourself...just help other people have kids." Oh yes, now that's what I call fulfilling!
I of course told her that was not going to happen and after she realized what she had said and how it had come out, she did apologize and took her words back. She does think foster care adoption is an admirable decision and so I think she just spoke in the moment without thinking about what she was saying before she said it. And she apologized, I accepted her apology and that was that. It was kind of hurtful in the moment but what am I going to do?
Moving on, I am seeing my friend from high school later today, the one who hasn't been all that supportive of my choice in the past and who I decided not to confide in any further. However I did tell her I take a class on Tuesday nights and she of course asked me, what class am I taking. I wasn't in the mood to tell her on the phone that I am taking a parenting class through the state's Department of Children and Services so I just told her at the time, "long story" and left it at that. But I'm sure she's going to ask again when I see her and this time I will have to spill the beans. I'm not really interested in hearing anybody else's reaction anymore though so I don't know, perhaps I'll kind of brush it off so I don't have to hear, "why would you want to do that???" again. I don't know. We'll see.
So that said, I do have class tonight and maybe I'll ask the other people if they are getting weird reactions from people they tell their plans to, as well. I think it's definitely different for me as I'm single and a 40-year-old single woman is still a freak of nature to many people. And so add an adopted kid into the mix and people really have no idea how to react. But I would like to hear other people's thoughts too so I will ask. So stay tuned for their responses. I will let you know as soon as I know myself.
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