I just saw this video on on cnn.com about a woman in Niteroi, Brazil who is raising 50 children (!!) on her own. This family consists of her four biological children and the 46 kids she adopted after they had been abandoned.
www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2010/05/25/tst.brazil.50.kids.adopted.rttv?iref=allsearch
Anybody who is this dedicated to children simply deserves to be commended. God bless you lady!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Foster Adoption Path
Okay, so it seems I may be ready to perhaps start coming to terms with the fact that my fertility is not exactly what it used to be. Which is to say I think it's just about gone. As much as I'd love to have a child biologically, I'm not sure that it's really possible at this point. Sad but true and maybe it's just time I saw the truth.
So this week I took another step away from biological conception and closer to the foster adoption path: I attended my first foster adoption parenting class through my state. Oh yes, one class down...seven to go.
This class is designed to help those of us blessed enough to come from somewhat "normal" backgrounds understand and deal with the issues children from the foster system may have. These kids have all suffered some form of neglect and/or abuse and obviously, that's pain that's going to stick with you. I can't even imagine what they've had to go through and at such a young age too. It just saddens me, really.
The first class really could have been called "Social Work 101" as we went over the reasons a child is placed into foster care, the feelings that these kids most likely have and the behaviors they exhibit. The social workers mentioned a few cases that they've seen over the years and I will say by the end of the evening, we were all pretty depressed. Thank goodness they served us pizza because we needed one bright spot to the night!
I can't really talk too much about the class as it needs to remain confidential, for obvious reasons. What I can say though is that I left the classroom feeling good about my decision to adopt through the foster care system. I really want to give soe children the unconditional love they deserve, not to mention just a better, safer home. I know I can do that (admittedly, with the backgrounds these poor kids have, the bar is set pretty low but I intend to raise it dramatically).
I say "children" instead of "child" because I think I've made the decision, finances willing, to adopt at least two siblings. That's because honestly at this point, I want an instant family and might as well get it all done at once. Plus I think it would be easier to adopt a baby or toddler if there was an older sibling included in the package and I really do still want a baby.
I told this to a good friend of mine today who adopted her little girl through foster care and she thought it was a great idea. That made me feel pretty awesome because I consider her an expert on this process, since she successfully nagivated the rough foster adoption waters herself.
I appreciate that she understands my need for the "instant family". Now two years after adopting her little "princess", she's looking into going through the process again so her daughter can have a little brother or sister but it's time consuming.You really do have to go through the entire process all over again. There are parenting classes and home studies and safety assessments and social worker visits, etc. etc. I personally would like to avoid all that duplicated work and just get it out of the way once and for all. Plus, like I said, I'd really just like a family pronto. I'm not getting any younger, you know?
The only wild card in all of this is finances. I'm not exactly rolling in money and right now I am unemployed. I'm getting paid for the next year from my old job but frankly, I was underpaid and I live in a pretty expensive city. I just bought a new car and have owned my condo for only six months, so my savings has really taken a hit in the last year as well. I just don't know how I could afford multiple kids right now.
That said, I do know that I can and will get another job at some point, hopefully not too far into the future. And I know that I will only accept a job if it pays the market rate and in my industry, that's not too shabby. So there are definitely things I can do to improve my finances. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually date a guy who'd like to share this dream with me. That would offset my costs by half, leaving me with a savings safety cushion, if I should ever need it (romantic sounding, isn't it???)
Plus, this isn't all going to happen tomorrow. I've got to get through the classes and the home study and I won't be able to even begin looking for children until the fall. That's a full four months away. And a lot can happen between now and four months away.
So the way I look at it, I'm going to set the goal that I am going to become a mom to two siblings, one a baby or toddler and the other a few years older. That way the Universe can help me gain the resources I need to make that goal a reality. So there it is. Let me know what you think, Universe. How are we going to make this happen?
So this week I took another step away from biological conception and closer to the foster adoption path: I attended my first foster adoption parenting class through my state. Oh yes, one class down...seven to go.
This class is designed to help those of us blessed enough to come from somewhat "normal" backgrounds understand and deal with the issues children from the foster system may have. These kids have all suffered some form of neglect and/or abuse and obviously, that's pain that's going to stick with you. I can't even imagine what they've had to go through and at such a young age too. It just saddens me, really.
The first class really could have been called "Social Work 101" as we went over the reasons a child is placed into foster care, the feelings that these kids most likely have and the behaviors they exhibit. The social workers mentioned a few cases that they've seen over the years and I will say by the end of the evening, we were all pretty depressed. Thank goodness they served us pizza because we needed one bright spot to the night!
I can't really talk too much about the class as it needs to remain confidential, for obvious reasons. What I can say though is that I left the classroom feeling good about my decision to adopt through the foster care system. I really want to give soe children the unconditional love they deserve, not to mention just a better, safer home. I know I can do that (admittedly, with the backgrounds these poor kids have, the bar is set pretty low but I intend to raise it dramatically).
I say "children" instead of "child" because I think I've made the decision, finances willing, to adopt at least two siblings. That's because honestly at this point, I want an instant family and might as well get it all done at once. Plus I think it would be easier to adopt a baby or toddler if there was an older sibling included in the package and I really do still want a baby.
I told this to a good friend of mine today who adopted her little girl through foster care and she thought it was a great idea. That made me feel pretty awesome because I consider her an expert on this process, since she successfully nagivated the rough foster adoption waters herself.
I appreciate that she understands my need for the "instant family". Now two years after adopting her little "princess", she's looking into going through the process again so her daughter can have a little brother or sister but it's time consuming.You really do have to go through the entire process all over again. There are parenting classes and home studies and safety assessments and social worker visits, etc. etc. I personally would like to avoid all that duplicated work and just get it out of the way once and for all. Plus, like I said, I'd really just like a family pronto. I'm not getting any younger, you know?
The only wild card in all of this is finances. I'm not exactly rolling in money and right now I am unemployed. I'm getting paid for the next year from my old job but frankly, I was underpaid and I live in a pretty expensive city. I just bought a new car and have owned my condo for only six months, so my savings has really taken a hit in the last year as well. I just don't know how I could afford multiple kids right now.
That said, I do know that I can and will get another job at some point, hopefully not too far into the future. And I know that I will only accept a job if it pays the market rate and in my industry, that's not too shabby. So there are definitely things I can do to improve my finances. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually date a guy who'd like to share this dream with me. That would offset my costs by half, leaving me with a savings safety cushion, if I should ever need it (romantic sounding, isn't it???)
Plus, this isn't all going to happen tomorrow. I've got to get through the classes and the home study and I won't be able to even begin looking for children until the fall. That's a full four months away. And a lot can happen between now and four months away.
So the way I look at it, I'm going to set the goal that I am going to become a mom to two siblings, one a baby or toddler and the other a few years older. That way the Universe can help me gain the resources I need to make that goal a reality. So there it is. Let me know what you think, Universe. How are we going to make this happen?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Send a Prayer
My blogs are so often about me but today I wanted to send out some happy thoughts to a couple of friends of mine: Kelly and Rich, who just had a set of twins a full seven weeks premature. I don't know a lot of the details at this point but I have heard that Twin A (a girl) is doing fine but that Twin B (a boy) is sick and not doing as well. So please, any prayers you have for those wee ones would be much appreciated.
Hopefully everything turns out okay and the twins grow up healthy and strong. I know that this couple is an amazing pair and are going to be fantastic parents. But right now, that little guy of theirs has a fight ahead of him and he's going to need all the help he can get.
So thank you in advance for any and all thoughts and prayers you can send their way. With any luck, my next update will contain the happy news that the twins are doing great and that mom and dad are loving their new chaotic loved-filled but sleep-deprived lives. We can only hope.
Hopefully everything turns out okay and the twins grow up healthy and strong. I know that this couple is an amazing pair and are going to be fantastic parents. But right now, that little guy of theirs has a fight ahead of him and he's going to need all the help he can get.
So thank you in advance for any and all thoughts and prayers you can send their way. With any luck, my next update will contain the happy news that the twins are doing great and that mom and dad are loving their new chaotic loved-filled but sleep-deprived lives. We can only hope.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
We Are Family
It's been a couple of days since my last post -- six days to be exact -- and that's because I've been crazy busy spending time with family...and it felt great.
In 1936, my grandmother and her brother bought a pretty amazing beach house in a shore community about two hours away from my house and now, generations later, my whole family (uncles, aunts, cousins, first cousins, second cousins twice removed, etc.) owns this house. We each have time allocated to us on a schedule and everyone looks forward to their beach house time every single year. We do not rent it out but keep the house strictly within family. It's a pretty amazing place.
Of course, this house hasn't become amazing on its own. It requires a lot of work! Especially since it's right on a point and gets slammed by storms and salty wind and rain on a constant basis.
So that said, every spring, my extended family organizes a family "work weekend" at the summer house, to get it all shaped up and ready to open up for the summer season. Depending upon how many people we have, we'll figure out some pretty big projects to tackle over the course of a weekend. For example, the boys will be outside shingling the shed roof or rebuilding a door frame (I have a bunch of carpenter-ish family members..lucky me) while the girls work inside, painting, washing windows and just organizing everything the way it needs to be organized prior to opening the house for the season.
I have to say that I love this special house and this beautiful beach community and I feel totally blessed to have this wonderful home in my family. The house is so peaceful and quiet, sitting alone like a solitary beacon at the mouth of the town's harbor. The water is a few hundred yards away from the back steps and we find comfort in hearing the boat motors as they leave harbor every early morning in search of a full catch of fish. I love the memories that I created here and I really look forward to creating more in the future, with my children.
I also love working with my family and all the fun we have together when we're here. So many inside jokes came out of this weekend that I couldn't even begin to explain them all. We worked hard but we definitely played hard too. (No wonder I'm so exhausted now!) I'm still laughing at some of the silliness that took place this weekend.
Aside from the house itself, the other thing I love above all else is the feeling of my family all around me when I am here. I don't get that a lot, since I live alone (just me and my cat) so when I spend time with my extended family, I just feel...loved. And nurtured. It's a great feeling.
When people ask my why I want to become a mom, I wish I could take them to my family's beach house for the weekend and let them feel the experience that I feel. Because then I think they'd understand better why I want to be a mom. I am looking for my family.
It's funny how quickly you get used to being part of a tribe again too. Since I live alone, obviously I spend a lot of time on my own and I feel like I do pretty okay on my own. But as soon as I get here to the beach, I'm surrounded by people pretty much 24x7, since we do share bedrooms. I feel I adapt to the togetherness of the family pretty quickly. And it's obvious that I do love it.
But then eventually, it's time once again to adapt to being alone again. When the weekend ends, so does the togetherness. This is always the hardest part for me: going back home. After three full days and nights with family, I had gotten used to being around people all the time and I loved it. Of course, if I ever felt like I needed a little break, I could just take a walk on the beach (which I totally did every night!) but it was nice because at the end of the walk, there the family was, waiting for me to become a part of the circle once again.
So yes, now I am home again and although I was excited to come home, watch the series finale of "Lost" and get a good night's sleep, I couldn't help but feel a little sad because I'd left all the people I love behind. When I left the beach house, I had left my brother, his wife and two kids that I absolutely adore back there, cooking dinner and drinking wine (the parents of course, not the kids). They did ask me to stay for dinner but I was exhausted and wanted to get on the road before it got dark. Plus leaving later would only delay the inevitable. I had to go home sometime.
So now that I'm home again, alone, listening to the whirring of the air conditioner in the window, I am telling myself, this is only short term. Someday soon this house of mine will be full of noise and laughter and tons of love. I know it. I will have what my brothers and sister have. I will have a family of my own! Until then, I will hold onto the memories of a pretty great weekend with my family and laugh over the crazy inside jokes we created. And then I will go to bed and sleep like I've never slept before. Good night!
In 1936, my grandmother and her brother bought a pretty amazing beach house in a shore community about two hours away from my house and now, generations later, my whole family (uncles, aunts, cousins, first cousins, second cousins twice removed, etc.) owns this house. We each have time allocated to us on a schedule and everyone looks forward to their beach house time every single year. We do not rent it out but keep the house strictly within family. It's a pretty amazing place.
Of course, this house hasn't become amazing on its own. It requires a lot of work! Especially since it's right on a point and gets slammed by storms and salty wind and rain on a constant basis.
So that said, every spring, my extended family organizes a family "work weekend" at the summer house, to get it all shaped up and ready to open up for the summer season. Depending upon how many people we have, we'll figure out some pretty big projects to tackle over the course of a weekend. For example, the boys will be outside shingling the shed roof or rebuilding a door frame (I have a bunch of carpenter-ish family members..lucky me) while the girls work inside, painting, washing windows and just organizing everything the way it needs to be organized prior to opening the house for the season.
I have to say that I love this special house and this beautiful beach community and I feel totally blessed to have this wonderful home in my family. The house is so peaceful and quiet, sitting alone like a solitary beacon at the mouth of the town's harbor. The water is a few hundred yards away from the back steps and we find comfort in hearing the boat motors as they leave harbor every early morning in search of a full catch of fish. I love the memories that I created here and I really look forward to creating more in the future, with my children.
I also love working with my family and all the fun we have together when we're here. So many inside jokes came out of this weekend that I couldn't even begin to explain them all. We worked hard but we definitely played hard too. (No wonder I'm so exhausted now!) I'm still laughing at some of the silliness that took place this weekend.
Aside from the house itself, the other thing I love above all else is the feeling of my family all around me when I am here. I don't get that a lot, since I live alone (just me and my cat) so when I spend time with my extended family, I just feel...loved. And nurtured. It's a great feeling.
When people ask my why I want to become a mom, I wish I could take them to my family's beach house for the weekend and let them feel the experience that I feel. Because then I think they'd understand better why I want to be a mom. I am looking for my family.
It's funny how quickly you get used to being part of a tribe again too. Since I live alone, obviously I spend a lot of time on my own and I feel like I do pretty okay on my own. But as soon as I get here to the beach, I'm surrounded by people pretty much 24x7, since we do share bedrooms. I feel I adapt to the togetherness of the family pretty quickly. And it's obvious that I do love it.
But then eventually, it's time once again to adapt to being alone again. When the weekend ends, so does the togetherness. This is always the hardest part for me: going back home. After three full days and nights with family, I had gotten used to being around people all the time and I loved it. Of course, if I ever felt like I needed a little break, I could just take a walk on the beach (which I totally did every night!) but it was nice because at the end of the walk, there the family was, waiting for me to become a part of the circle once again.
So yes, now I am home again and although I was excited to come home, watch the series finale of "Lost" and get a good night's sleep, I couldn't help but feel a little sad because I'd left all the people I love behind. When I left the beach house, I had left my brother, his wife and two kids that I absolutely adore back there, cooking dinner and drinking wine (the parents of course, not the kids). They did ask me to stay for dinner but I was exhausted and wanted to get on the road before it got dark. Plus leaving later would only delay the inevitable. I had to go home sometime.
So now that I'm home again, alone, listening to the whirring of the air conditioner in the window, I am telling myself, this is only short term. Someday soon this house of mine will be full of noise and laughter and tons of love. I know it. I will have what my brothers and sister have. I will have a family of my own! Until then, I will hold onto the memories of a pretty great weekend with my family and laugh over the crazy inside jokes we created. And then I will go to bed and sleep like I've never slept before. Good night!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Taking a Big Leap
I just took one great big step towards motherhood and I'm REALLY excited about it!
Yesterday morning, a social worker from a local private agency came by to meet me, introduce me to the program and to do a basic overall assessment of the house. She wanted to make sure that the house was safe and had heat, electricity and running water, you know all the basics of modern living. (Good thing she didn't come by two days ago when there was a water main leak outside and the city shut off our water to fix it though!)
So of course before she came, I spent two crazed days cleaning the place top to bottom, finishing up those niggly little tasks that get blown off because you just can't be bothered and clearing out all the extra stuff that I realized I really didn't need after all. When I was done, I was thrilled because my spare bedroom actually looked like a bedroom, not a landfill where old useless boxes of stuff had gone to die. My piles of paperwork had all been neatly filed away and the house was so clean, you could even eat off the kitchen floor (which the cat regularly does, by the way). I felt quite the sense of accomplishment.
So here I am completely thrilled that I have this clean and organized house...only to meet with the social worker who, with only a few checks off on her photocopied safety sheet, creates a brand new Mommy To Be To Do List of home projects for me. This totally figures.
What happened here?? Well, although my house is safe for the average adult, it's not even remotely child-proof, which really shouldn't be surprising, considering I've never had a child before so this is all virgin territory for me. So yes, in the 10-minute span that Ms. Social Worker worker walked through my 900-square-foot home with her checklist, I had a brand host of tasks added to my To Do List: add screens to all my windows, plug all the electrical outlets, install child-proof latches on all my cabinets and replace the open shelving in my hallway that stores all my bath and beauty products with a cabinet that has secured doors. I also need to buy both a bed and a crib (a pack and play will do for starters) and any other kid-related furniture as well. And this is all just to pass the next safety assessment. That doesn't obviously include all the clothes, gear and toys that a child will need once he or she comes to live with me, which is all extra. Yikes...this is all getting a bit scary. And expensive!
Well, all I can say to that is...it's probably a good thing that I don't have a job right now because this is all going to take some serious time! Not to mention money, so it's also a good thing that my former job is paying my bills for the foreseeable future. Thank the Universe for small miracles there.
Madame Social Worker did tell me that I had a really nice condo and she thought my second spare bedroom would make for a perfect nursery. While we stood in there, I told her all my plans to decorate and I think she became just as excited as I was as I set the scene. I said, "picture this...mint green walls with big purple elephants dancing across them and white curtains for the windows." I swept my arms to the left and to the right as I described the vision I had for a baby changer here and a rocking chair over there. Lady Social Worker nodded her head as I described the valance and curtains that would cover the windows and the closet-full of baby clothes I would hopefully soon have as well. It was quite an image and I do think Ms. Social Worker was seeing it along with me, which of course is pretty great.
In addition to showing off my awesome house with pictured scenes of what it would look like when I had kids here, I also made sure that Madame Social Worker knew that have one other pretty awesome thing going for me as a prospective Parent in the Foster System: I don't need daycare. I don't need to spend extra money to have some stranger watch my kids and I get to spend more time with them to help get them settled in as well. Madame Social Worker definitely agreed that this was a major benefit too.
So between my "setting the scene" and sharing the pro's of ME, I am hoping that this puts the little bug in her head to think of me when there's a baby available. Ultimately, I would really like to parent a baby, starting as early in the development process as possible. I've always wanted a biological baby but if that isn't meant to be then at least I should be able to adopt one. Seems only fair!
That is of course, if a baby becomes available. In speaking to my lovely social worker, I learned that the entire adoption process, from start to finish, could be complete as soon as the end of the year but more than likely, would be complete by next March, provided I am not too limiting in my options. Babies could obviously take longer to find but I could shorten the process if I'm willing to take multiple siblings, which is definitely an option. I have two spare bedrooms so the state would be happy to bless me with a sibling group.
Madame Social Worker did mention that the entire process could be shorter for me since I don't have a partner that needs to be included. So I guess there's one benefit of being single right there.
So the next step for me now is parenting classes and I will begin that six-week program next Tuesday. After that, I move onto the Home Study and then into full on search mode. The social worker said that it could take anywhere from a few months to a year to be placed with a child but that the parents who see earlier success are often the ones who make more of an effort themselves. She said that waiting for the agency to bring children to me would draw the process out and I assured her that I would be as proactive as possible.
Once I've been placed with a child, I will start to have visits with him or her. This is to make sure that it's a good fit for both of us and I should really use that time to make sure this is feeling right for me. I will say that this is one great benefit of adoption through foster care over international adoption. With an international adoption, you get what you get and hope for the best but with foster care adoption, you can back out at any time in the process so it's definitely a lot less scary. (That incident where the Tennessee woman sent her adopted son back to Russia with a note attached to him because she couldn't deal anymore, comes to mind here.)
After that, if both the child and I decide this is a good fit, we will move forward and within a few months, hopefully the child will be mine, both legally and emotionally. This is pretty great because I told myself that I was going to become a mom in the next year and it does look like, barring any unforeseen problems, that this goal is FINALLY within reach. I couldn't be more thrilled!
So yes, next stop parenting classes. I will be sure to let you know how my first class goes once I've made it through and I am so excited to finally feel like I'm moving forward in my goal. It feels like it's taken WAY too long. But finally...forward movement and it feels GREAT!
Yesterday morning, a social worker from a local private agency came by to meet me, introduce me to the program and to do a basic overall assessment of the house. She wanted to make sure that the house was safe and had heat, electricity and running water, you know all the basics of modern living. (Good thing she didn't come by two days ago when there was a water main leak outside and the city shut off our water to fix it though!)
So of course before she came, I spent two crazed days cleaning the place top to bottom, finishing up those niggly little tasks that get blown off because you just can't be bothered and clearing out all the extra stuff that I realized I really didn't need after all. When I was done, I was thrilled because my spare bedroom actually looked like a bedroom, not a landfill where old useless boxes of stuff had gone to die. My piles of paperwork had all been neatly filed away and the house was so clean, you could even eat off the kitchen floor (which the cat regularly does, by the way). I felt quite the sense of accomplishment.
So here I am completely thrilled that I have this clean and organized house...only to meet with the social worker who, with only a few checks off on her photocopied safety sheet, creates a brand new Mommy To Be To Do List of home projects for me. This totally figures.
What happened here?? Well, although my house is safe for the average adult, it's not even remotely child-proof, which really shouldn't be surprising, considering I've never had a child before so this is all virgin territory for me. So yes, in the 10-minute span that Ms. Social Worker worker walked through my 900-square-foot home with her checklist, I had a brand host of tasks added to my To Do List: add screens to all my windows, plug all the electrical outlets, install child-proof latches on all my cabinets and replace the open shelving in my hallway that stores all my bath and beauty products with a cabinet that has secured doors. I also need to buy both a bed and a crib (a pack and play will do for starters) and any other kid-related furniture as well. And this is all just to pass the next safety assessment. That doesn't obviously include all the clothes, gear and toys that a child will need once he or she comes to live with me, which is all extra. Yikes...this is all getting a bit scary. And expensive!
Well, all I can say to that is...it's probably a good thing that I don't have a job right now because this is all going to take some serious time! Not to mention money, so it's also a good thing that my former job is paying my bills for the foreseeable future. Thank the Universe for small miracles there.
Madame Social Worker did tell me that I had a really nice condo and she thought my second spare bedroom would make for a perfect nursery. While we stood in there, I told her all my plans to decorate and I think she became just as excited as I was as I set the scene. I said, "picture this...mint green walls with big purple elephants dancing across them and white curtains for the windows." I swept my arms to the left and to the right as I described the vision I had for a baby changer here and a rocking chair over there. Lady Social Worker nodded her head as I described the valance and curtains that would cover the windows and the closet-full of baby clothes I would hopefully soon have as well. It was quite an image and I do think Ms. Social Worker was seeing it along with me, which of course is pretty great.
In addition to showing off my awesome house with pictured scenes of what it would look like when I had kids here, I also made sure that Madame Social Worker knew that have one other pretty awesome thing going for me as a prospective Parent in the Foster System: I don't need daycare. I don't need to spend extra money to have some stranger watch my kids and I get to spend more time with them to help get them settled in as well. Madame Social Worker definitely agreed that this was a major benefit too.
So between my "setting the scene" and sharing the pro's of ME, I am hoping that this puts the little bug in her head to think of me when there's a baby available. Ultimately, I would really like to parent a baby, starting as early in the development process as possible. I've always wanted a biological baby but if that isn't meant to be then at least I should be able to adopt one. Seems only fair!
That is of course, if a baby becomes available. In speaking to my lovely social worker, I learned that the entire adoption process, from start to finish, could be complete as soon as the end of the year but more than likely, would be complete by next March, provided I am not too limiting in my options. Babies could obviously take longer to find but I could shorten the process if I'm willing to take multiple siblings, which is definitely an option. I have two spare bedrooms so the state would be happy to bless me with a sibling group.
Madame Social Worker did mention that the entire process could be shorter for me since I don't have a partner that needs to be included. So I guess there's one benefit of being single right there.
So the next step for me now is parenting classes and I will begin that six-week program next Tuesday. After that, I move onto the Home Study and then into full on search mode. The social worker said that it could take anywhere from a few months to a year to be placed with a child but that the parents who see earlier success are often the ones who make more of an effort themselves. She said that waiting for the agency to bring children to me would draw the process out and I assured her that I would be as proactive as possible.
Once I've been placed with a child, I will start to have visits with him or her. This is to make sure that it's a good fit for both of us and I should really use that time to make sure this is feeling right for me. I will say that this is one great benefit of adoption through foster care over international adoption. With an international adoption, you get what you get and hope for the best but with foster care adoption, you can back out at any time in the process so it's definitely a lot less scary. (That incident where the Tennessee woman sent her adopted son back to Russia with a note attached to him because she couldn't deal anymore, comes to mind here.)
After that, if both the child and I decide this is a good fit, we will move forward and within a few months, hopefully the child will be mine, both legally and emotionally. This is pretty great because I told myself that I was going to become a mom in the next year and it does look like, barring any unforeseen problems, that this goal is FINALLY within reach. I couldn't be more thrilled!
So yes, next stop parenting classes. I will be sure to let you know how my first class goes once I've made it through and I am so excited to finally feel like I'm moving forward in my goal. It feels like it's taken WAY too long. But finally...forward movement and it feels GREAT!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I've Got a Secret
Secrets, secrets and more secrets. That's what my life has become chock full of ever since I decided to pursue single motherhood. I struggle every day with what to tell people about my Big Life Choice and how much to tell them because I just don't know what people's reactions will be. So the question is, what do I say about my Choice and who do I say it to? In the end, I really do want and need emotional support and it would be a great weight off my shoulders if this is one secret I didn't need to keep locked up inside The Vault.
I have a good friend named Amy who became a single mom in 2008. She had spent several years going through IVF treatments and when they were ultimately unsuccessful, she adopted a beautiful little boy who is the biggest joy in her life and a pretty cute kid, to boot. That said, I have looked to Amy for guidance and so when she told me to be careful about who I tell my plans to because not everyone will be supportive, I took her advice to heart and kept my mouth shut, except for a few trusted people. But even some of them turned out to be a disappointment to me in the end.
I told a total of seven people about my plans because I thought they would be the most supportive of my choice. Included on that list were three of my oldest friends from high school, three people who've navigated this road themselves and also my younger sister.
For the most part, I've found that the people I told have been incredibly supportive of my choice, just as I figured they would be. My sister even agreed to take care of my child in the (god forbid) event that some awful tragedy should befall me. This was a HUGE weight off my shoulders because more than anything else, I wanted to make sure my child would always be cared for even if I couldn't be the one to do it.
I was surprised by one friend's reaction to my choice though. She's one of my oldest friends from high school, married with two children and she adores her kids. So I naturally just assumed that she'd be thrilled that I want to become a mom too. Boy was I wrong there!
Once she realized that I was serious, I heard nothing but non-stop judgments from her: What if I had a baby with issues? Do you know how hard it is to take care of a child with issues? What if I had twins? How would I care for them? What if I lost my job? What if I had to take a pay cut? And here was the real kicker: Why don't I just help out some moms who need a little helping hand instead of having my own baby? The judgments and recriminations were non-stop and I got incredibly fed up.
She and I ended up having a huge fight last summer that ended with me telling her, "my decision is made and it's final. So you can either choose to support me or not but I am going ahead with having a baby and there is NOTHING you can do to change my mind". And I really meant it too.
We didn't speak for a few days after that but once she realized I wasn't going to back down, she did finally come back and apologize for her comments. My friend vowed to be more supportive of my choices after that and she hasn't said anything negative since then, although I do wonder what she's thinking and if she's just keeping her negative thoughts to herself. But you know what? I can't change what people think so as long as she's being at least outwardly supportive, that's all I can hope for I guess.
Another long-time friend had a similar reaction, although her responses were not quite so dramatic. Leslie just couldn't understand why I would want to have a baby on my own, since it's such hard work and wouldn't I just want to enjoy my life as a single person instead? She kept reminding me that right now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without some kid constantly hanging off a leg, screaming, crying and annoying me. I could sleep till 10:00 if I so choose and sit outside doing nothing, all because I can.
Although what she says is certainly the truth, she doesn't seem to understand that in choosing to have a child of my own, I AM doing exactly what I want and that I look forward to waking up early and having kids hang off my leg and screaming "Mommy!!" in the grocery store. Sure, sleeping late and lounging around the house feel great but in the long run, they aren't exactly fulfilling goals. So that said, let's just say at this point, she and I choose to agree to disagree and I've decided not to discuss my plans with her anymore.
I will say that these two friends really piss me off because they are both moms themselves, clearly adore their children and think it's the most fulfilling job they have. But then they turn around and tell me that I shouldn't become a mom because I don't have a husband yet? I am certain that, god forbid, something should happen to their husbands, that they would not put their kids up for adoption because they don't have a father for their children anymore. So why is it all right for them to raise kids potentially on their own but not all right for me? It just doesn't seem quite fair and it really made my blood boil. It still does!
In speaking to more supportive friends and family, they remind me that these two women's reactions are more about them than me and that I shouldn't really take what they say to heart. I agree and know that these are two women that have struggled with parenthood and with their marriages so it's probably not too surprising that they would come across more negatively than my friends who are happier in their lives. Both women have had difficult marriages over the last few years and one has a special needs child and financial difficulties to boot, so life has not always been easy for them. I do get that. But at the same time, it would be nice if they could take their own issues out of the equation and just focus on supporting ME for a little while. This isn't about them...it's about me. But perhaps that's asking too much, I don't know.
I also think that for these ladies, having babies happened very easily or even by chance (oops!) and that they don't necessarily appreciate what's been handed to them so easily. It hasn't been quite such a breeze for me though. I've had to work incredibly hard to become a mom and I know that when it happens for me, I will cherish every second of that opportunity because it's something that I want more than anything and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Not so for those gals. One of the friends prides herself on her fertility, saying that she got pregnant on her first try each time she wanted to have a baby.
Lately, I've started telling a few people that I'm considering adopting through the foster care system (since IUI has been such an unsuccessful process up to this point) and I've found that their reactions to that announcement are generally more positive than when I've told people that I was planning to conceive on my own through donor sperm. It's interesting that people think it's more socially acceptable, even admirable, for a single woman to raise a foster care child than it is to conceive one on your own. This all despite the fact that foster care children come with a host of emotional problems that a biological child would not have and that I would have to deal with all those issues on my own. You'd think they'd be more concerned about the costs and the emotional toll and lack of support of raising a foster care child but that doesn't seem to be the case. Go figure.
I think that in reality, none of this has anything to do with all those logical points listed above and more to do with people's emotional reactions based on society and their personal religious beliefs. Generally, I've found that people believe that even a single parent home is better than a foster home and that in this case, I'm doing something to make the world a better place. Whereas having a baby on my own and choosing to be a single mom is not the "Christian" thing to do. Okay, I get that. But growing up, I remember always hearing, "babies are a miracle from God" and I really do believe that so isn't having a child born into a loving home the good, Christian thing to do, regardless of how traditional or untraditional the parenting relationship is? I definitely think so!
So all that said, it's been quite the learning experience, finding out who's on my side ultimately and who isn't and it's made me feel much closer to the people who do support my decisions while making me back away from the people who don't. All I can really do is live my life the best way that I can and make choices based on integrity, honesty and love. If I know what I am doing is the right thing for me, for my child and for the world as a whole, that's really all that should matter. And so that's what I shall focus on going forward. The naysayers, well, I just take their comments with a grain of salt. They certainly don't live their lives based on what I say, so why should I live my life based on their opinions?
I have a good friend named Amy who became a single mom in 2008. She had spent several years going through IVF treatments and when they were ultimately unsuccessful, she adopted a beautiful little boy who is the biggest joy in her life and a pretty cute kid, to boot. That said, I have looked to Amy for guidance and so when she told me to be careful about who I tell my plans to because not everyone will be supportive, I took her advice to heart and kept my mouth shut, except for a few trusted people. But even some of them turned out to be a disappointment to me in the end.
I told a total of seven people about my plans because I thought they would be the most supportive of my choice. Included on that list were three of my oldest friends from high school, three people who've navigated this road themselves and also my younger sister.
For the most part, I've found that the people I told have been incredibly supportive of my choice, just as I figured they would be. My sister even agreed to take care of my child in the (god forbid) event that some awful tragedy should befall me. This was a HUGE weight off my shoulders because more than anything else, I wanted to make sure my child would always be cared for even if I couldn't be the one to do it.
I was surprised by one friend's reaction to my choice though. She's one of my oldest friends from high school, married with two children and she adores her kids. So I naturally just assumed that she'd be thrilled that I want to become a mom too. Boy was I wrong there!
Once she realized that I was serious, I heard nothing but non-stop judgments from her: What if I had a baby with issues? Do you know how hard it is to take care of a child with issues? What if I had twins? How would I care for them? What if I lost my job? What if I had to take a pay cut? And here was the real kicker: Why don't I just help out some moms who need a little helping hand instead of having my own baby? The judgments and recriminations were non-stop and I got incredibly fed up.
She and I ended up having a huge fight last summer that ended with me telling her, "my decision is made and it's final. So you can either choose to support me or not but I am going ahead with having a baby and there is NOTHING you can do to change my mind". And I really meant it too.
We didn't speak for a few days after that but once she realized I wasn't going to back down, she did finally come back and apologize for her comments. My friend vowed to be more supportive of my choices after that and she hasn't said anything negative since then, although I do wonder what she's thinking and if she's just keeping her negative thoughts to herself. But you know what? I can't change what people think so as long as she's being at least outwardly supportive, that's all I can hope for I guess.
Another long-time friend had a similar reaction, although her responses were not quite so dramatic. Leslie just couldn't understand why I would want to have a baby on my own, since it's such hard work and wouldn't I just want to enjoy my life as a single person instead? She kept reminding me that right now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without some kid constantly hanging off a leg, screaming, crying and annoying me. I could sleep till 10:00 if I so choose and sit outside doing nothing, all because I can.
Although what she says is certainly the truth, she doesn't seem to understand that in choosing to have a child of my own, I AM doing exactly what I want and that I look forward to waking up early and having kids hang off my leg and screaming "Mommy!!" in the grocery store. Sure, sleeping late and lounging around the house feel great but in the long run, they aren't exactly fulfilling goals. So that said, let's just say at this point, she and I choose to agree to disagree and I've decided not to discuss my plans with her anymore.
I will say that these two friends really piss me off because they are both moms themselves, clearly adore their children and think it's the most fulfilling job they have. But then they turn around and tell me that I shouldn't become a mom because I don't have a husband yet? I am certain that, god forbid, something should happen to their husbands, that they would not put their kids up for adoption because they don't have a father for their children anymore. So why is it all right for them to raise kids potentially on their own but not all right for me? It just doesn't seem quite fair and it really made my blood boil. It still does!
In speaking to more supportive friends and family, they remind me that these two women's reactions are more about them than me and that I shouldn't really take what they say to heart. I agree and know that these are two women that have struggled with parenthood and with their marriages so it's probably not too surprising that they would come across more negatively than my friends who are happier in their lives. Both women have had difficult marriages over the last few years and one has a special needs child and financial difficulties to boot, so life has not always been easy for them. I do get that. But at the same time, it would be nice if they could take their own issues out of the equation and just focus on supporting ME for a little while. This isn't about them...it's about me. But perhaps that's asking too much, I don't know.
I also think that for these ladies, having babies happened very easily or even by chance (oops!) and that they don't necessarily appreciate what's been handed to them so easily. It hasn't been quite such a breeze for me though. I've had to work incredibly hard to become a mom and I know that when it happens for me, I will cherish every second of that opportunity because it's something that I want more than anything and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Not so for those gals. One of the friends prides herself on her fertility, saying that she got pregnant on her first try each time she wanted to have a baby.
Lately, I've started telling a few people that I'm considering adopting through the foster care system (since IUI has been such an unsuccessful process up to this point) and I've found that their reactions to that announcement are generally more positive than when I've told people that I was planning to conceive on my own through donor sperm. It's interesting that people think it's more socially acceptable, even admirable, for a single woman to raise a foster care child than it is to conceive one on your own. This all despite the fact that foster care children come with a host of emotional problems that a biological child would not have and that I would have to deal with all those issues on my own. You'd think they'd be more concerned about the costs and the emotional toll and lack of support of raising a foster care child but that doesn't seem to be the case. Go figure.
I think that in reality, none of this has anything to do with all those logical points listed above and more to do with people's emotional reactions based on society and their personal religious beliefs. Generally, I've found that people believe that even a single parent home is better than a foster home and that in this case, I'm doing something to make the world a better place. Whereas having a baby on my own and choosing to be a single mom is not the "Christian" thing to do. Okay, I get that. But growing up, I remember always hearing, "babies are a miracle from God" and I really do believe that so isn't having a child born into a loving home the good, Christian thing to do, regardless of how traditional or untraditional the parenting relationship is? I definitely think so!
So all that said, it's been quite the learning experience, finding out who's on my side ultimately and who isn't and it's made me feel much closer to the people who do support my decisions while making me back away from the people who don't. All I can really do is live my life the best way that I can and make choices based on integrity, honesty and love. If I know what I am doing is the right thing for me, for my child and for the world as a whole, that's really all that should matter. And so that's what I shall focus on going forward. The naysayers, well, I just take their comments with a grain of salt. They certainly don't live their lives based on what I say, so why should I live my life based on their opinions?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Bring on the men!
Sigh...I really miss having a boyfriend. I really, really do. Actually it's been quite some time since I've had a "real" long-term relationship and I seriously hope that my Mr. Right is coming in the forseeable future. I just really love being in a relationship and I love men. I love the feel of a guy, the way he smells when he first gets out of the shower and of course all the "benefits" of having a boyfriend too (wink wink, you know what I mean, right?)
Of course, having no permanent man in my life is the main reason I've decided to have a child on my own and I've made my peace with that for now. However, that doesn't mean I want to stop dating and join a nunnery or anything like that. Heck no! Bring on the men! I'm still hoping for that long sought for "happily ever after" even if it's coming slightly out of order.
I've dated a little here and there and hope that eventually, one of these dates will turn into something more long term. That said though, now I've got a new quandary, which is, when do I tell a guy I'm dating that I am pursuing motherhood and guess what, the kid won't be yours?
According to friends, this is a very real possibility and could have a very happy ending too. My good friend Amy became a single parent last year and she told me that when she was pregnant, she had no problem meeting guys. She even became engaged to one, although she ended up breaking things off before they got married.
My friend Beth told me of another friend who met a guy when she was pregnant and he wanted to marry her as well. So clearly it can happen and it's something to think about for sure.
It's such a balancing act because I want to be honest with my dates but also don't want to put too much pressure on a potential relationship at the same time. The problem is, guys freak out SO easily and the last thing I want is to send some poor sap running for the hills by even casually mentioning babies or egads, biological clocks. Bring up the words "The Future" and the next thing you know, you'll be sitting alone in a restaurant wondering what that breeze was you just felt across the back of your neck (it was the whooshing of the door slamming shut as your date went running out onto the street, by the way).
I am not actively pursuing a relationship because I'm trying not to complicate my life too much right now. But then again, a relationship sure would feel good and I can't exactly turn down any potential opportunities now can I? What if Mr. Right walks through the door right now? Wouldn't I have to at least try to make a go of it? I'd be a fool not to, ireally.
So right now, I'm chatting with a few guys on a dating website, hanging out with friends at sporting events and even hooking up via Facebook. Last month, my boyfriend from my senior year of college friend requested me out of the blue and it's been wonderful reconnecting with him, after all these years. He lives about 400 miles away and is still reeling from the aftermath of a painful divorce but hey, if I take things slowly with him, who knows what could happen right?
My long lost friend (we'll call him Ted) has told me that he's not looking for anything serious right now and we haven't even seen each other in person yet so there's certainly no urgency at this point. But I'm really enjoying the conversations and there has been talk about a get-together so if all this moves forward, I may need to tell him by Big Secret.
And who knows...maybe he'll take it well (should I cue laughter here??)
Then again, I know I need to be realistic here. Ted appears to be in full-blown mid-life crisis mode after ending a 10+ year marriage and is clearly trying to relive the good old days while battling through some not so good emotions right now. I do wonder if contacting me out of the blue is more a symptom of his current situation than any sort of Divine Intervention so I'm trying not to get too dreamy about it all.
I will say that Ted and I really did have some amazing times together and hearing from him is reminding me what a sweet, loving, innocent relationship we had back in the day. Aaah the good old days.
We had met during spring break in the Bahamas and hit it off right away, in only that way that innocent kids with stars in their eyes can form an instant connection. We only had a few days together on that trip but he promised to call me when he got back to his school, which was about three hours away from my school and across a fairly large southern state. He called right after I got back and soon thereafter, we picked up where we had left off on those sandy Bahaman beaches. Initially, we spent hours talking on the phone to each other (to the point where he had to ask his mother for help paying his skyrocketing phone bills) but soon we moved onto alternating visits to each other's campuses, with me usually bringing a girlfriend (or two along) for the ride and with him showing up on my doorstep generally on his own.
We had a great spring and summer together, enjoying springtime parties, festive graduations, and week-long vacations together visiting his family on the beaches of Florida and mine in the suburbs of New England. We were just starting to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives and it was an exciting time indeed, made even more exciting by the fact that we were so happy and in love.
That all changed one day early in the autumn of our new grown-up lives though. We realized that with impending adulthood came some really scary next steps and we started thinking that if we were going to continue dating, that one day down the road, we'd have to (gulp) probably get married. At the age of 22, when you've just barely started your first "grown up" job (for me) and are still trying to figure out what that first job should be (for him) it was a terrifying thought and neither one of us was mature enough to really handle it.
It all came to a head one evening when Ted called me to tell me he was moving to Montana to find himself and that he wanted to break up for now. I was like, um...what??? I certainly didn't see that one coming! I thought we were in love! I thought we were going to live happily ever after! What on earth was he doing now??? Why was he ruining everything?!
After I recovered from the shock that had sent me into a stunned silence for a few moments, we talked about it for a while.
Of course one of the first questions I had for him was, "why is this the first I'm hearing of this?"
His response to me was, "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd talk me out of my decision and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".
Well hey, with a response like that, exactly what have I got left to say to him? So I just said, "okay, well, you clearly have made your decision so the best I can do is wish you the best and just say good-bye", which I did. And with that, Ted moved away and out of my life.
I received quite a few letters from Ted over the coming months, telling me all about his new life thousands of miles away from everything that we knew and that he missed me dearly every day. In each letter, he asked me to write him back and I did...long letters where I told him how mad I was at him for leaving and how hurt I was that he deserted me. The letters were pages long and I never mailed them. I used those letters as therapy and with each letter I wrote, I healed a little bit more.
Over the next year or so, the letters tapered off and I moved on with my life as a post-college, career-minded single gal, pretty much forgetting all about the boyfriend who had left me behind all those moons ago. I made new friends, advanced in my career, dated a plethora of guys and just enjoyed life in my 20s. It was a good time.
Ted did make an appearance when I was about 24 years old once, coming to town to visit his mom who was living in the same city as I was at that time. We went out to dinner one night and he came out to a party with a friend of mine on another night. But for me the magic was long since gone by that point and he was still living in the wilds of Montana so I said, "why bother" and pretty much put him out of my mind soon after saying good bye to him one evening. I assume he did to then because I never heard from Ted again...until a few weeks ago that is.
Apparently Ted had gone to grad school, gotten married by age 30 and then divorced in his early 40s. He and his wife did not have children but they did have a home and a dog that the ex-wife got custody of in the divorce. Then he contacted me and that's where we are now.
Like I said, it's great hearing from Ted and I wonder if there's any chance that this relationship could finally be the right guy at the right time. Then again, I wonder if it's actually just time to let that ship finally sail, for good. Many of his emails to me detail the party he went to the night before and how he's focusing on "easy" tasks at work to get through the day with his remaining brain cells intact. Ted's clearly become a bit of a partier in his 40s. Plus, he was supposed to call me last Thursday night but didn't because he had fallen asleep at 9:30 (trying to recover from a late-night party the evening before) and he hasn't called since so we're certainly not becoming a hot and heavy couple any time soon. Meanwhile, I'm adding more responsibility to my life by trying to become a mom so I don't know if I even want this kind of a guy.
I think the answer to that is, I don't want the guy as he is right now, long term. However I do wonder if this is just a phase he's going through and if he will eventually snap out of it and be the partner I'd like him to be. To that all I can say is...we'll see how this plays out I guess.
Of course another question to ask is, "Why on earth do I even want to bother with this guy?" Yes, he's living la mid-life crisis vida loca right now, doesn't call, parties a LOT and he lives 450 miles away. Why bother?
Okay ladies, let's face it. Decent guys in their 40s are few and far between and today we need to make some concessions we might not have been willing to make in the past. Five years ago, I didn't want to go out with a guy who lived in the next area code over, let alone eight states away. Now I find myself making concessions I never would have made in the past, hoping that the guy will eventually step up to become The Man I want him to be.
That said, I know that I am bringing not only myself to this relationship but also my future child so I can only make so many concessions for so long. At some point I am going to have to look out for the best interest of my kid and then decide if the guy's the right guy for me AND for my child.
But right now this is all in its introductory stages and I don't need to be making any decisions any time soon. Right now, I just want to see how this plays out and that's what I'm going to do. For one time in my life, I'm going to play this easy-breezy and see what happens.
Of course, having no permanent man in my life is the main reason I've decided to have a child on my own and I've made my peace with that for now. However, that doesn't mean I want to stop dating and join a nunnery or anything like that. Heck no! Bring on the men! I'm still hoping for that long sought for "happily ever after" even if it's coming slightly out of order.
I've dated a little here and there and hope that eventually, one of these dates will turn into something more long term. That said though, now I've got a new quandary, which is, when do I tell a guy I'm dating that I am pursuing motherhood and guess what, the kid won't be yours?
According to friends, this is a very real possibility and could have a very happy ending too. My good friend Amy became a single parent last year and she told me that when she was pregnant, she had no problem meeting guys. She even became engaged to one, although she ended up breaking things off before they got married.
My friend Beth told me of another friend who met a guy when she was pregnant and he wanted to marry her as well. So clearly it can happen and it's something to think about for sure.
It's such a balancing act because I want to be honest with my dates but also don't want to put too much pressure on a potential relationship at the same time. The problem is, guys freak out SO easily and the last thing I want is to send some poor sap running for the hills by even casually mentioning babies or egads, biological clocks. Bring up the words "The Future" and the next thing you know, you'll be sitting alone in a restaurant wondering what that breeze was you just felt across the back of your neck (it was the whooshing of the door slamming shut as your date went running out onto the street, by the way).
I am not actively pursuing a relationship because I'm trying not to complicate my life too much right now. But then again, a relationship sure would feel good and I can't exactly turn down any potential opportunities now can I? What if Mr. Right walks through the door right now? Wouldn't I have to at least try to make a go of it? I'd be a fool not to, ireally.
So right now, I'm chatting with a few guys on a dating website, hanging out with friends at sporting events and even hooking up via Facebook. Last month, my boyfriend from my senior year of college friend requested me out of the blue and it's been wonderful reconnecting with him, after all these years. He lives about 400 miles away and is still reeling from the aftermath of a painful divorce but hey, if I take things slowly with him, who knows what could happen right?
My long lost friend (we'll call him Ted) has told me that he's not looking for anything serious right now and we haven't even seen each other in person yet so there's certainly no urgency at this point. But I'm really enjoying the conversations and there has been talk about a get-together so if all this moves forward, I may need to tell him by Big Secret.
And who knows...maybe he'll take it well (should I cue laughter here??)
Then again, I know I need to be realistic here. Ted appears to be in full-blown mid-life crisis mode after ending a 10+ year marriage and is clearly trying to relive the good old days while battling through some not so good emotions right now. I do wonder if contacting me out of the blue is more a symptom of his current situation than any sort of Divine Intervention so I'm trying not to get too dreamy about it all.
I will say that Ted and I really did have some amazing times together and hearing from him is reminding me what a sweet, loving, innocent relationship we had back in the day. Aaah the good old days.
We had met during spring break in the Bahamas and hit it off right away, in only that way that innocent kids with stars in their eyes can form an instant connection. We only had a few days together on that trip but he promised to call me when he got back to his school, which was about three hours away from my school and across a fairly large southern state. He called right after I got back and soon thereafter, we picked up where we had left off on those sandy Bahaman beaches. Initially, we spent hours talking on the phone to each other (to the point where he had to ask his mother for help paying his skyrocketing phone bills) but soon we moved onto alternating visits to each other's campuses, with me usually bringing a girlfriend (or two along) for the ride and with him showing up on my doorstep generally on his own.
We had a great spring and summer together, enjoying springtime parties, festive graduations, and week-long vacations together visiting his family on the beaches of Florida and mine in the suburbs of New England. We were just starting to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives and it was an exciting time indeed, made even more exciting by the fact that we were so happy and in love.
That all changed one day early in the autumn of our new grown-up lives though. We realized that with impending adulthood came some really scary next steps and we started thinking that if we were going to continue dating, that one day down the road, we'd have to (gulp) probably get married. At the age of 22, when you've just barely started your first "grown up" job (for me) and are still trying to figure out what that first job should be (for him) it was a terrifying thought and neither one of us was mature enough to really handle it.
It all came to a head one evening when Ted called me to tell me he was moving to Montana to find himself and that he wanted to break up for now. I was like, um...what??? I certainly didn't see that one coming! I thought we were in love! I thought we were going to live happily ever after! What on earth was he doing now??? Why was he ruining everything?!
After I recovered from the shock that had sent me into a stunned silence for a few moments, we talked about it for a while.
Of course one of the first questions I had for him was, "why is this the first I'm hearing of this?"
His response to me was, "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd talk me out of my decision and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".
Well hey, with a response like that, exactly what have I got left to say to him? So I just said, "okay, well, you clearly have made your decision so the best I can do is wish you the best and just say good-bye", which I did. And with that, Ted moved away and out of my life.
I received quite a few letters from Ted over the coming months, telling me all about his new life thousands of miles away from everything that we knew and that he missed me dearly every day. In each letter, he asked me to write him back and I did...long letters where I told him how mad I was at him for leaving and how hurt I was that he deserted me. The letters were pages long and I never mailed them. I used those letters as therapy and with each letter I wrote, I healed a little bit more.
Over the next year or so, the letters tapered off and I moved on with my life as a post-college, career-minded single gal, pretty much forgetting all about the boyfriend who had left me behind all those moons ago. I made new friends, advanced in my career, dated a plethora of guys and just enjoyed life in my 20s. It was a good time.
Ted did make an appearance when I was about 24 years old once, coming to town to visit his mom who was living in the same city as I was at that time. We went out to dinner one night and he came out to a party with a friend of mine on another night. But for me the magic was long since gone by that point and he was still living in the wilds of Montana so I said, "why bother" and pretty much put him out of my mind soon after saying good bye to him one evening. I assume he did to then because I never heard from Ted again...until a few weeks ago that is.
Apparently Ted had gone to grad school, gotten married by age 30 and then divorced in his early 40s. He and his wife did not have children but they did have a home and a dog that the ex-wife got custody of in the divorce. Then he contacted me and that's where we are now.
Like I said, it's great hearing from Ted and I wonder if there's any chance that this relationship could finally be the right guy at the right time. Then again, I wonder if it's actually just time to let that ship finally sail, for good. Many of his emails to me detail the party he went to the night before and how he's focusing on "easy" tasks at work to get through the day with his remaining brain cells intact. Ted's clearly become a bit of a partier in his 40s. Plus, he was supposed to call me last Thursday night but didn't because he had fallen asleep at 9:30 (trying to recover from a late-night party the evening before) and he hasn't called since so we're certainly not becoming a hot and heavy couple any time soon. Meanwhile, I'm adding more responsibility to my life by trying to become a mom so I don't know if I even want this kind of a guy.
I think the answer to that is, I don't want the guy as he is right now, long term. However I do wonder if this is just a phase he's going through and if he will eventually snap out of it and be the partner I'd like him to be. To that all I can say is...we'll see how this plays out I guess.
Of course another question to ask is, "Why on earth do I even want to bother with this guy?" Yes, he's living la mid-life crisis vida loca right now, doesn't call, parties a LOT and he lives 450 miles away. Why bother?
Okay ladies, let's face it. Decent guys in their 40s are few and far between and today we need to make some concessions we might not have been willing to make in the past. Five years ago, I didn't want to go out with a guy who lived in the next area code over, let alone eight states away. Now I find myself making concessions I never would have made in the past, hoping that the guy will eventually step up to become The Man I want him to be.
That said, I know that I am bringing not only myself to this relationship but also my future child so I can only make so many concessions for so long. At some point I am going to have to look out for the best interest of my kid and then decide if the guy's the right guy for me AND for my child.
But right now this is all in its introductory stages and I don't need to be making any decisions any time soon. Right now, I just want to see how this plays out and that's what I'm going to do. For one time in my life, I'm going to play this easy-breezy and see what happens.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Welcome to My World
Greetings and welcome to the first day of the rest of my life! I'm really excited to start this blog and even woke up at 4:20 this morning, totally thrilled to begin the process with the world. I am hoping that my experiences of trying to start a family as a single woman in her 40s can help other people out there and I'm looking forward to building a community and hearing about all your experiences too. Let's learn all about this together, shall we?
First, a little backstory about me. I am 43 years old, never been married (but I have had some long-term relationships, thank you very much), career-minded, with tons of friends, a brand new condo, a rescue cat I call "Kitty" and for now, no job. I was lucky...last month, my employer gave me the best gift anyone could have possibly ever given me: they laid me off. Yes, I was gloriously laid off from a job that I despised, that sucked the soul from my tired and down-trodden body every time I walked through those revolving doors into Cubicle Pergatory. But one April morning everything in my life changed...and changed in the best possible way, at that.
You see, not only did my company blessedly sever our painful three-year, toxic relationship but it also gave me 62-weeks of pay to go peacefully out the door and to stay as far away from them as possible. No that was not a typo. I really do have over a year of paid time off (plus benefits and career development counseling options) to keep me going well into the future. Between the two weeks notice pay, displacement pay, earned vacation and sick pay, I walked out that door knowing that I wouldn't have to start working again until July 2011. Can you believe THAT? I think I just won the lottery!
As you can probably imagine, I did a little dance all the way to my car and had a huge smile on my face as I made the quick, traffic-free trip home. When I got into the house, I cracked open a beer and basked in the glow of a stress-free Thursday, knowing that every day ahead was about to be as easy-breezy as that moment. All of the sudden, life had become very good to me. Very, very good.
Although this was an amazing opportunity, I will say that at first the experience was really shocking to me and more than a little overwhelming. I did not see the lay off coming and in addition to dealing with that shock, I also had to battle with a mish mosh of painful feelings about this horrible job that I had, that I'd either buried or ignored, just so that I could get through the day in some sort of functional manner. I had had a very insecure boss who managed with her ego and for some reason felt threatened by me; maybe because I was good at what I did, got along well with my coworkers but never wanted to suck up to her. Really, all I wanted to do was do my job, do it well and at the end of the day, go home and enjoy my personal life. I hate political games and all the backstabbing and jockeying for position that go along with that so I refused to particpate. But this boss wouldn't allow that. She had to have all the power and if I didn't play along, she'd drag me into the game, kicking and screaming, ignoring my calls of "uncle!".
Imagine being called into your boss' office and having her say things like, "everyone tells me you're doing an awful job" and other tidbits of "constructive criticism" like that. These are the comments I would receive from her on a consistent basis and on more than one occasion, my meetings with her would turn into a screaming match where one would try to out-yell the other and which shocked me as I saw that as the most unprofessional thing imagineable. As you could expect, this turned me into one miserable, insecure girl who felt like I always needed to tiptoe around my boss' fragile ego because I never knew when the next outburst would occur.
I knew that I needed to get out of that toxic environment as soon as possible, however there was a recession and I had a mortgage to pay so I had to stick it out until some options opened up for me, which regrettably was taking WAY too long. Thank GOD I finally got laid off so I could rebuild some of my self-esteem and sanity. In the end, I know that I am the one who "won" the game, although I hated the idea of playing it. I played the game poorly and got 62 weeks of paid time off for my efforts, whereas my boss, the consummate game player, is still stuck managing people that absolutely despise her and refuse to speak to her if they can avoid it (I know this because I still keep in touch with my former coworkers, which is funny because I'm not even there anymore and I talk to the team more than their own manager does.) I've also heard that my former boss recently had some sort of an accident where she dislocated her shoulder and although I would never wish injury on anyone, even her, all I could think of when I heard that news was, "ain't karma a bitch"? Yes indeed. It sure is.
Anyway, it really did take a few weeks to recover from that experience but once the shock and pain of all that wore off, I realized that it was time to decide what I wanted to do with my foreseeable future. The last thing I wanted was to squander the amazing gift that had been given to me so I knew that it was important that I choose my path wisely. So that said, I took plenty of long walks and visits to the beach, wrote up a list of potential goals and decided that the #1 thing I wanted to focus on was starting a family. I really wanted to be a mom.
Just so you understand, this wasn't a lightning bolt out of the sky decision, an "aha" moment where I suddenly just knew what I wanted out of life. No, I had already decided that I wanted to become a mom but really had not had the time or energy to make that happen up until this point.
I had decided in January 2009 that even if I didn't have a husband (or nary a boyfriend in sight, mind you) that I was going to become a mom, somehow, some way. It was a tough decision to make, giving up on my dream of my Prince Charming, the suburban house with the white picket fence, designer dog and 2.5 children and I definitely grieved over the choices I felt that I was forced to make. I really wanted the traditional "American Dream" not what seemed like a second-best, low rent option. But I was running out of time, not getting any younger and it was time to take control of the situation, instead of waiting and hoping for Mr. Right to come along and sweep me off my feet. And so take charge I did.
First stop was the fertility specialist to find out how fertile I was. Thankfully this was all covered by insurance (one great benefit of my former employer) so I could have every test imagineable performed and leave absolutely nothing to chance here.
After months of testing, I found out I was perfectly healthy but had an underacting thyroid ... and no fertility. The thyroid could be fixed, of course. All I needed was a prescription for Levoxil and I'd be set there. however the fertility part was a lot harder to fix, even possibly impossible.
Apparently not only have I inherited from my mother her beautiful green eyes, dazzling smile and tall stature but I've also inherited her early onset menopause. My mother went through menopause at 44 and guess what...I'm well on my way to that result as well.
The doctor told me that my FSH levels were extremely elevated and that meant that there was a less than 5% chance I could conceive naturally. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels are measured through a blood test and elevated numbers mean that menopause is knocking on your door and that eventually you'd have to let that monster into your life, whether you wanted to or not.
Let me tell you, that was one of the most painful things I've ever heard and when the doctor told me, "you waited too long", I went home and had one of the biggest cries of my entire life. I couldn't believe that now that I'd finally earned some personal and financial stability in life and after I had just made this HUGE decision, that my doctor was telling me, sorry...it's too late. I was absolutely heartbroken and couldn't even make it all the way into my house before I completely fell apart. I just collapsed in a corner of my hallway and spent the next hour sobbing uncontrollably. Eventually I called one of my best friends who was aware of what I was going through and she was able to talk me out of my black hole of fertility despair. But that was a very dark night and it was only with the support of my dear friend and a couple of Benadryl tablets that I was able to get any sleep that night whatsoever.
It took a little time to recover from that experience as you can imagine but of course I did and next I needed to figure out, now what. I will say that I thought a lot about what the good doctor had told me and I decided that I would go forward with intra-uterine insemination (IUI) using donor sperm, because I needed to know that I'd done everything possible to conceive and I just wasn't ready to believe this doctor's prognosis. I didn't want to suffer any "what if I had tried, would I have gotten pregnant" moments. I needed to know for sure that I'd done all I could.
We decided that IUF would be prohibitively expensive and had no better chance of success than IUI so we might as well stick with the cheaper option and cross our fingers. Also, I really wanted to prove my doctor wrong, so I could say "see...I was right! I can have a baby!" I am a firm believer in miracles and that they can happen to anybody at anytime so why couldn't they happen to me and to my uterus this year? Right? Exactly. So yes, my decision was made, plans were set and onward we went.
Unfortunately, eight months and six IUI treatments later, I'm still not pregnant. I was pregnant for a very brief time last month but now, sadly not so much. There could be quite a few reasons for this: It could be the doctor was right (perish the thought!) or it could also be that I was too stressed from working long hours in a toxic job that I hated. Or more likely, it's a combination of the two factors working in tandem against me. Regardless, I'm not pregnant and that makes me very sad.
I'm not ready to give up on my dream of having a biological child yet but I have decided that perhaps it's time to pursue other options as well. I made the decision that I would become a mom in 2010 and that needs to happen any which way it can. So in addition to my IUI treatments, now I'm now looking into the possibility of adoption.
So that said, I contacted Child Services a few weeks ago and have begun the process of adopting a child from the foster care system. I've already submitted my initial paperwork, my background check has been completed and now I've scheduled an appointment with the adoption coordinator to come out and assess the "living conditions" (i.e. my house). Thankfully I have a totally cute condo (if I do say so myself) so I'm sure the state will bless this house with its stamp of approval and we can go forward with the next step, which is parenting classes that begin in a week and a half.
I will say that this mandatory home inspection is actually great for two reasons: One, they will see that I have a nice home that's more than suitable for a child and two, they will really motivate me to polish off all those little house projects, de-clutter and finally finish the decorating I've been meaning to do. If someone's going to come and look at every square inch of my home to make sure it's "okay" for children, you can be damn sure that it's going to be ready to be on the cover of "Architectural Digest" by the time they walk through my doors.
So in short, that's where I am in life: at a major crossroads where I can pretty much do whatever I want, as long as it's something that money and free time can buy . I know that this journey will eventually bring me to motherhood and for once, I'm really excited about my future and where the Universe will take me. I know it won't always be easy...it's already been not so easy...but I know that I will get my "happy ending" eventually. And I can't wait to share my story with you as it unfurls, one baby step at a time.
First, a little backstory about me. I am 43 years old, never been married (but I have had some long-term relationships, thank you very much), career-minded, with tons of friends, a brand new condo, a rescue cat I call "Kitty" and for now, no job. I was lucky...last month, my employer gave me the best gift anyone could have possibly ever given me: they laid me off. Yes, I was gloriously laid off from a job that I despised, that sucked the soul from my tired and down-trodden body every time I walked through those revolving doors into Cubicle Pergatory. But one April morning everything in my life changed...and changed in the best possible way, at that.
You see, not only did my company blessedly sever our painful three-year, toxic relationship but it also gave me 62-weeks of pay to go peacefully out the door and to stay as far away from them as possible. No that was not a typo. I really do have over a year of paid time off (plus benefits and career development counseling options) to keep me going well into the future. Between the two weeks notice pay, displacement pay, earned vacation and sick pay, I walked out that door knowing that I wouldn't have to start working again until July 2011. Can you believe THAT? I think I just won the lottery!
As you can probably imagine, I did a little dance all the way to my car and had a huge smile on my face as I made the quick, traffic-free trip home. When I got into the house, I cracked open a beer and basked in the glow of a stress-free Thursday, knowing that every day ahead was about to be as easy-breezy as that moment. All of the sudden, life had become very good to me. Very, very good.
Although this was an amazing opportunity, I will say that at first the experience was really shocking to me and more than a little overwhelming. I did not see the lay off coming and in addition to dealing with that shock, I also had to battle with a mish mosh of painful feelings about this horrible job that I had, that I'd either buried or ignored, just so that I could get through the day in some sort of functional manner. I had had a very insecure boss who managed with her ego and for some reason felt threatened by me; maybe because I was good at what I did, got along well with my coworkers but never wanted to suck up to her. Really, all I wanted to do was do my job, do it well and at the end of the day, go home and enjoy my personal life. I hate political games and all the backstabbing and jockeying for position that go along with that so I refused to particpate. But this boss wouldn't allow that. She had to have all the power and if I didn't play along, she'd drag me into the game, kicking and screaming, ignoring my calls of "uncle!".
Imagine being called into your boss' office and having her say things like, "everyone tells me you're doing an awful job" and other tidbits of "constructive criticism" like that. These are the comments I would receive from her on a consistent basis and on more than one occasion, my meetings with her would turn into a screaming match where one would try to out-yell the other and which shocked me as I saw that as the most unprofessional thing imagineable. As you could expect, this turned me into one miserable, insecure girl who felt like I always needed to tiptoe around my boss' fragile ego because I never knew when the next outburst would occur.
I knew that I needed to get out of that toxic environment as soon as possible, however there was a recession and I had a mortgage to pay so I had to stick it out until some options opened up for me, which regrettably was taking WAY too long. Thank GOD I finally got laid off so I could rebuild some of my self-esteem and sanity. In the end, I know that I am the one who "won" the game, although I hated the idea of playing it. I played the game poorly and got 62 weeks of paid time off for my efforts, whereas my boss, the consummate game player, is still stuck managing people that absolutely despise her and refuse to speak to her if they can avoid it (I know this because I still keep in touch with my former coworkers, which is funny because I'm not even there anymore and I talk to the team more than their own manager does.) I've also heard that my former boss recently had some sort of an accident where she dislocated her shoulder and although I would never wish injury on anyone, even her, all I could think of when I heard that news was, "ain't karma a bitch"? Yes indeed. It sure is.
Anyway, it really did take a few weeks to recover from that experience but once the shock and pain of all that wore off, I realized that it was time to decide what I wanted to do with my foreseeable future. The last thing I wanted was to squander the amazing gift that had been given to me so I knew that it was important that I choose my path wisely. So that said, I took plenty of long walks and visits to the beach, wrote up a list of potential goals and decided that the #1 thing I wanted to focus on was starting a family. I really wanted to be a mom.
Just so you understand, this wasn't a lightning bolt out of the sky decision, an "aha" moment where I suddenly just knew what I wanted out of life. No, I had already decided that I wanted to become a mom but really had not had the time or energy to make that happen up until this point.
I had decided in January 2009 that even if I didn't have a husband (or nary a boyfriend in sight, mind you) that I was going to become a mom, somehow, some way. It was a tough decision to make, giving up on my dream of my Prince Charming, the suburban house with the white picket fence, designer dog and 2.5 children and I definitely grieved over the choices I felt that I was forced to make. I really wanted the traditional "American Dream" not what seemed like a second-best, low rent option. But I was running out of time, not getting any younger and it was time to take control of the situation, instead of waiting and hoping for Mr. Right to come along and sweep me off my feet. And so take charge I did.
First stop was the fertility specialist to find out how fertile I was. Thankfully this was all covered by insurance (one great benefit of my former employer) so I could have every test imagineable performed and leave absolutely nothing to chance here.
After months of testing, I found out I was perfectly healthy but had an underacting thyroid ... and no fertility. The thyroid could be fixed, of course. All I needed was a prescription for Levoxil and I'd be set there. however the fertility part was a lot harder to fix, even possibly impossible.
Apparently not only have I inherited from my mother her beautiful green eyes, dazzling smile and tall stature but I've also inherited her early onset menopause. My mother went through menopause at 44 and guess what...I'm well on my way to that result as well.
The doctor told me that my FSH levels were extremely elevated and that meant that there was a less than 5% chance I could conceive naturally. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels are measured through a blood test and elevated numbers mean that menopause is knocking on your door and that eventually you'd have to let that monster into your life, whether you wanted to or not.
Let me tell you, that was one of the most painful things I've ever heard and when the doctor told me, "you waited too long", I went home and had one of the biggest cries of my entire life. I couldn't believe that now that I'd finally earned some personal and financial stability in life and after I had just made this HUGE decision, that my doctor was telling me, sorry...it's too late. I was absolutely heartbroken and couldn't even make it all the way into my house before I completely fell apart. I just collapsed in a corner of my hallway and spent the next hour sobbing uncontrollably. Eventually I called one of my best friends who was aware of what I was going through and she was able to talk me out of my black hole of fertility despair. But that was a very dark night and it was only with the support of my dear friend and a couple of Benadryl tablets that I was able to get any sleep that night whatsoever.
It took a little time to recover from that experience as you can imagine but of course I did and next I needed to figure out, now what. I will say that I thought a lot about what the good doctor had told me and I decided that I would go forward with intra-uterine insemination (IUI) using donor sperm, because I needed to know that I'd done everything possible to conceive and I just wasn't ready to believe this doctor's prognosis. I didn't want to suffer any "what if I had tried, would I have gotten pregnant" moments. I needed to know for sure that I'd done all I could.
We decided that IUF would be prohibitively expensive and had no better chance of success than IUI so we might as well stick with the cheaper option and cross our fingers. Also, I really wanted to prove my doctor wrong, so I could say "see...I was right! I can have a baby!" I am a firm believer in miracles and that they can happen to anybody at anytime so why couldn't they happen to me and to my uterus this year? Right? Exactly. So yes, my decision was made, plans were set and onward we went.
Unfortunately, eight months and six IUI treatments later, I'm still not pregnant. I was pregnant for a very brief time last month but now, sadly not so much. There could be quite a few reasons for this: It could be the doctor was right (perish the thought!) or it could also be that I was too stressed from working long hours in a toxic job that I hated. Or more likely, it's a combination of the two factors working in tandem against me. Regardless, I'm not pregnant and that makes me very sad.
I'm not ready to give up on my dream of having a biological child yet but I have decided that perhaps it's time to pursue other options as well. I made the decision that I would become a mom in 2010 and that needs to happen any which way it can. So in addition to my IUI treatments, now I'm now looking into the possibility of adoption.
So that said, I contacted Child Services a few weeks ago and have begun the process of adopting a child from the foster care system. I've already submitted my initial paperwork, my background check has been completed and now I've scheduled an appointment with the adoption coordinator to come out and assess the "living conditions" (i.e. my house). Thankfully I have a totally cute condo (if I do say so myself) so I'm sure the state will bless this house with its stamp of approval and we can go forward with the next step, which is parenting classes that begin in a week and a half.
I will say that this mandatory home inspection is actually great for two reasons: One, they will see that I have a nice home that's more than suitable for a child and two, they will really motivate me to polish off all those little house projects, de-clutter and finally finish the decorating I've been meaning to do. If someone's going to come and look at every square inch of my home to make sure it's "okay" for children, you can be damn sure that it's going to be ready to be on the cover of "Architectural Digest" by the time they walk through my doors.
So in short, that's where I am in life: at a major crossroads where I can pretty much do whatever I want, as long as it's something that money and free time can buy . I know that this journey will eventually bring me to motherhood and for once, I'm really excited about my future and where the Universe will take me. I know it won't always be easy...it's already been not so easy...but I know that I will get my "happy ending" eventually. And I can't wait to share my story with you as it unfurls, one baby step at a time.
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