I was just watching "Ellen", which is usually a big guilty habit of mine, now that I'm gainfully unemployed. It started off funny and interesting enough. Ellen was interviewing Heidi Klum and she was talking about the stolen photos that someone sold to the tabloids. I thought to myself, geez, I'm really glad i'm not a celebrity because i can barely handle writing a blog -- I post everything anonymously and even make up pseudonyms for my friends and family. I couldn't imagine having my entire life out on display like that. I'd cringe.
So that's the reflective mood I was in when Ellen moved onto the next segment with Heidi, which was, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant". In this segment, Heidi got to promote her new line of maternity wear by playing a game with Ellen. Six visibly pregnant women came out, Heidi and Ellen asked them questions and then had to guess if the qomwn were really pregnant or just faking (hence the title "Pregnant or Not Pregnant).
I will say that the women who were faking their pregnancies were lousy liars and it was pretty obvious they've never been pregnant before. But there was one woman that Heidi didn't even need to ask any questions of because she just knew the woman was pregant. Heidi said the woman glowed.
I looked closely at the woman and she was indeed glowing. She looked so happy. And I'm very happy for her but it just made me so sad for a few minutes because I want to glow too! I really really want a baby. Is it possible that I ever will?
I've also been shopping for pack 'n plays the last 24 hours because my sister is coming with her kids in a few weeks so I thought I'd have something available for Kacie to sleep in (she's 2). And seeing these beautiful babies in the photos...well wow. It's just hard. I have to keep myself from buying the high end pack 'n plays because well, at this point, what's the point? I'd so love a reason to have a good one though and think, is it possible if I buy one, that'll bring the babies to me? I know...not very logical but I guess I'm not feeling very logical right now.
Sadly, I appear to be faced with my own creeping age because the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, on absolute fire, and all I can think of is, great...hot flashes. Menopause. It's not that warm out so I can't blame the weather so all that i've got left is the big M. I can't believe it though. I'm only 43 years old. I am too young for this!
I went to "Sex and the City" last week (lousy movie...don't waste your time if you haven't seen it yet) and in it, Samantha is in full on menopause mode. But the thing is, Samantha is 52. I'm only 43. This is so not fair!
Is it possible to still get pregnant once you start getting these middle of the night hot flashes? I'm still getting my "monthly gift" and I'm pretty sure I was pregnant in April, even if it was only for like 10 minutes. Is it possible for the Universe to still hand me a gift and allow me to carry a healthy little baby boy or girl full term? I don't know.
Anyway, that's my mindset today and I am going to go to foster parenting class tonight because at least I know I can do that. This will be class four out of eight so after tonight, I'm halfway done. So that's good. I guess I will just focus on what I can accomplish right now and try not to think about the things I don't have much control over. It's just hard sometimes. Maybe I'll go cheer myself up with some chocolate right now....
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Back to Reality
It's Monday, the sun has finally made an appearance after hiding behind many rain clouds for many days and I'm feeling more grounded than I did last week. I will definitely say that I was productive today: I did a volunteer project downtown (I taught English to African refugees), caught up with some friends and even set up a third interview for a new job. So, not a bad day at all. Not a bad day, indeed.
I was feeling all out of sorts last week because my visit with Ted went so well and after he left I started FREAKING OUT because after all, that's what girls do who don't know what the future of a relationship holds. Or at least that's what this girl does. So I did.
It's been such a LONG time since I had a great weekend with a guy...so long. And it was a little overwhelming (okay, a lot). I think I was living off adrenalin for the entire time he was here so once he left, I was like, okay now what do I do???
Not only did I feel a little lost but I was also wound up with thoughts like, Are we a couple? Does he like me? What's he thinking? When am I going to see him again? Am I going to see him again? Are we going to get married and have babies together??? You get the general drift. Anyway, all those thoughts really drove me totally batty last week and it was tough! I couldn't concentrate, my sleep was all messed up and my emotions were flying all over the place. Seriously, it was tough.
Thankfully my emotions have settled down this week and I'm able to function like a normal person again. The adrenalin has subsided and I've had a few really good conversations with Ted so I actually do know what he's thinking now. I like what he's thinking, now at least.
He was apparently freaking out last week and jumping WAY ahead. He wondered how we'd be able to live together with him living on a small boat in DC and working in Virginia, about 500 miles away from me. He said we really have a few things to figure out here if I am going to be moving in with him.
I was like, yikes! We spent a total of 36 hours together in the last 20 years and you're already discussing who's going to live where with who? Really??? No! Too soon!
I suggested to him that it might be a good idea to calm down about us moving in with each other and I suggested we spend a little more time together before we start making plans for the long-term future just yet.
(Meanwhile, who knew that Jax could be the voice of reason? Yeah, he really must have gone off the deep end if I am actually the voice of reason! I'm the person that would get married next week if given the right opportunity and a nice ring. But just don't tell Ted I said that).
Anyway, whatever I said must have resonated with Ted because he did indeed calm down and took it all a step backwards. What a relief. I just don't know if I could deal with his freaked out emotions on top of my frazzled nerves. A girl can only handle so much, you know?
So now we have plans to get together for the long holiday 4th of July weekend. This should be a real test of how well we get along, as it's going to be the most time we've spent together in a really long time. I actually feel pretty confident about it all but who knows. Life has thrown more than one crazy curve ball at me in the past so you jut never know for sure. I will say that I'm cautiously optimistic though.
I fly down to DC on July 1st and I'll stay down there until July 5th so this will be four completely uninterrupted days together. (Okay, well actually three uninterrupted days plus one day where he's got to work during the day but you get the idea.)
We've been emailing and texting a lot the last couple of days too so it's definitely been fun. He's funny and cute and smart and sigh...yeah I'm a smitten kitten. I think we'll have a lot of fun and I can't wait for that long holiday weekend to get here.
The only thing that makes me nervous is that I am still pursuing my own goals of having a child and I have no idea what he feels about that prospect. He told me today that he's buying a bigger boat, presumably because his current boat won't really hold the both of us for longer than a weekend, but honestly, I really don't want to be living on a boat, kids ro not. At least not a boat that he's buying. Let's just say Ted sent me the link to the ad for the boat he likes and it costs the same amount of money as my 2005 Toyota RAV-4 that I just bought used. I can't imagine living in my car but I'm not sure his boat is that much of an upgrade.
Not to mention, I just don't want to live on a boat! I have worked hard to save the money to buy a condo and then buy it and decorate and maintain everything. I love being a home owner and I don't want to give all that up to live on someone's random boat.
Hmmm...okay so maybe here I am going off the deep end and getting ahead of myself. He hasn't said that he wants me to live on his boat with him and who's to say that this boat can't be sold when we're ready to settle down. It's all still early days so I should probably take my own advice and calm down.
I do think that it's probably time to get out in the open that I'm making every effort to become a mom though. I certainly can't lie to him if he asks what kind of class I'm taking on Tuesday nights and I don't want to trap him into anything without his knowledge and consent either. So yes, time to clear the air here. I guess that conversation will happen when I get down to DC. Scary but hopefully he and I will be on similar paths. I really do like Ted and I'd like to make a future happen. Wish me luck, that's all I can say.
I was feeling all out of sorts last week because my visit with Ted went so well and after he left I started FREAKING OUT because after all, that's what girls do who don't know what the future of a relationship holds. Or at least that's what this girl does. So I did.
It's been such a LONG time since I had a great weekend with a guy...so long. And it was a little overwhelming (okay, a lot). I think I was living off adrenalin for the entire time he was here so once he left, I was like, okay now what do I do???
Not only did I feel a little lost but I was also wound up with thoughts like, Are we a couple? Does he like me? What's he thinking? When am I going to see him again? Am I going to see him again? Are we going to get married and have babies together??? You get the general drift. Anyway, all those thoughts really drove me totally batty last week and it was tough! I couldn't concentrate, my sleep was all messed up and my emotions were flying all over the place. Seriously, it was tough.
Thankfully my emotions have settled down this week and I'm able to function like a normal person again. The adrenalin has subsided and I've had a few really good conversations with Ted so I actually do know what he's thinking now. I like what he's thinking, now at least.
He was apparently freaking out last week and jumping WAY ahead. He wondered how we'd be able to live together with him living on a small boat in DC and working in Virginia, about 500 miles away from me. He said we really have a few things to figure out here if I am going to be moving in with him.
I was like, yikes! We spent a total of 36 hours together in the last 20 years and you're already discussing who's going to live where with who? Really??? No! Too soon!
I suggested to him that it might be a good idea to calm down about us moving in with each other and I suggested we spend a little more time together before we start making plans for the long-term future just yet.
(Meanwhile, who knew that Jax could be the voice of reason? Yeah, he really must have gone off the deep end if I am actually the voice of reason! I'm the person that would get married next week if given the right opportunity and a nice ring. But just don't tell Ted I said that).
Anyway, whatever I said must have resonated with Ted because he did indeed calm down and took it all a step backwards. What a relief. I just don't know if I could deal with his freaked out emotions on top of my frazzled nerves. A girl can only handle so much, you know?
So now we have plans to get together for the long holiday 4th of July weekend. This should be a real test of how well we get along, as it's going to be the most time we've spent together in a really long time. I actually feel pretty confident about it all but who knows. Life has thrown more than one crazy curve ball at me in the past so you jut never know for sure. I will say that I'm cautiously optimistic though.
I fly down to DC on July 1st and I'll stay down there until July 5th so this will be four completely uninterrupted days together. (Okay, well actually three uninterrupted days plus one day where he's got to work during the day but you get the idea.)
We've been emailing and texting a lot the last couple of days too so it's definitely been fun. He's funny and cute and smart and sigh...yeah I'm a smitten kitten. I think we'll have a lot of fun and I can't wait for that long holiday weekend to get here.
The only thing that makes me nervous is that I am still pursuing my own goals of having a child and I have no idea what he feels about that prospect. He told me today that he's buying a bigger boat, presumably because his current boat won't really hold the both of us for longer than a weekend, but honestly, I really don't want to be living on a boat, kids ro not. At least not a boat that he's buying. Let's just say Ted sent me the link to the ad for the boat he likes and it costs the same amount of money as my 2005 Toyota RAV-4 that I just bought used. I can't imagine living in my car but I'm not sure his boat is that much of an upgrade.
Not to mention, I just don't want to live on a boat! I have worked hard to save the money to buy a condo and then buy it and decorate and maintain everything. I love being a home owner and I don't want to give all that up to live on someone's random boat.
Hmmm...okay so maybe here I am going off the deep end and getting ahead of myself. He hasn't said that he wants me to live on his boat with him and who's to say that this boat can't be sold when we're ready to settle down. It's all still early days so I should probably take my own advice and calm down.
I do think that it's probably time to get out in the open that I'm making every effort to become a mom though. I certainly can't lie to him if he asks what kind of class I'm taking on Tuesday nights and I don't want to trap him into anything without his knowledge and consent either. So yes, time to clear the air here. I guess that conversation will happen when I get down to DC. Scary but hopefully he and I will be on similar paths. I really do like Ted and I'd like to make a future happen. Wish me luck, that's all I can say.
Monday, June 7, 2010
A Blast From The Past Returns
I've had quite the weekend and today I've got an interview and then foster parenting class tonight, so I don't have a ton of time to write. No rest for the weary and all that. But I did want to get online and share the details of my weekend before I forget. It was quite fun.
Not sure who has read back to the beginning of this blog but a few posts ago I mentioned a blast from the past boyfriend who had reappeared out of nowhere to cause quite a stir in my life again. I'd called him "Ted", mostly because I really like the Ted Moseby character on "How I Met Your Mother". (Have you met my friend Ted??). He seems like a really sweet guy and I think this Ted is too. Anyway, fake Ted came and visited me this weekend and needless to say, we had a pretty cool time. So I thought I'd share a few of the details at least.
He got here pretty late on Friday night because he drove about 8 hours after work in heavy traffic to come see me (sounds romantic doesn't it???) It was a little awkward at first because, well, honestly I hadn't seen him since I was 23 years old. And yeah, that was quite a few years ago.
Funny thing though. We stayed up for a while talking and stuff and by the time morning came around, I actually felt pretty comfortable with him and pretty quickly too.
It's weird because I've re-met a few people from way back when and I've often found that we've both changed into very different people and then didn't have much in common anymore. But that didn't seem to happen with Ted. The stuff we did have in common that made us compatible way back when seems to still be there. He's really easy to talk to, he's got a goofy sense of humor like mine and he's super energetic, like I am.
But there are new things too. Like he is a runner now and has even run a marathon. Meanwhile, I'm a runner now and plan to run my first marathon in the fall (Go Dublin!) We actually talked about going running this weekend (he brought his running gear) but it was a really busy weekend and there was just no time. But it's nice to have a common interest with him like that.
So Ted passed my test but the bigger test was whether or not my friends would like him and ... I am happy to say that he passed with flying colors. I took him as my "Plus One" to my friend Michelle's wedding and he was the perfect wedding date. He was very attentive, friendly to my pals and just very fun to be around. Oh and I will also say he looked very handsome in his gray suit and maroon tie, which my girlfriends indeed noticed. I've been looking at the pictures I posted on Facebook and I just think he's incredibly hot looking in a suit. I do always love a man in a suit. Yum!
Something I was happy about as well was that we really had the opportunity to talk this weekend and not only catch up on our lives but to also put some closure to what happened with us the first time around. It was really interesting to hear his take on how our relationship ended because it was quite different from my point of view and that was surprising to me.
Ted asked me how we ended and I was like, "um you broke up with me". He strongly denied that allegation though so I took the time to remind him of the circumstances: He called me up one night, told me he was moving away to Wyoming and that this was something he needed to do. I had asked him when he was moving and he said "next week". I was pretty shocked and asked how come this was the first time I'd heard of this. His response: "I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd talk me out of it and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".
When I reminded him of this discussion he replied, "well yeah, but that wasn't a break up call". I just laughed because well, what else could it be? He was calling me to say he was moving away and said he had no plans to see me again. To me that means we're breaking up. But apparently he saw it as just on a break, as opposed to breaking up. I think he thought he could go off and do his thing for as long as he needed to (including hooking up with other girls) and that I'd be back here waiting for him when he was ready to be the Prodigal Son returning home. Hahaha, yeah, I didn't sign up for that, needless to say and definitely moved on with out him. So when he came to visit his family about a year later and we got together for dinner, I guess he was a little surprised that I (a) brought a friend with me and (b) when I drove he got stuck sitting in the back seat! That was a shocker to him. Haha. I bet it was.
He was pretty blown away by the conversation and all I could think was, can guys really be this clueless??? Well I think we do all know the answer to that question.
He said some incredibly sweet things after that. He was sorry for hurting me and he didn't realize that he was even doing that. He just wasn't ready to grow up yet and was feeling pressured to do so. He knew we had a pretty great relationship but he was young and didn't realize how special it was. He thought, well, this must be how all relationships are. But he discovered in this great big life of his that it wasn't the case. And now he feels bad for wasting so much time in between because if he'd gotten his brain together quicker, we could have been together sooner. Those are some of the sweetest things anyone has ever really said to me, I have to say. I'm getting a little teary just thinking about the conversation actually.
Anyway, the weekend absolutely flew by and next thing you know, Ted had to leave to drive back home. So it was a whirlwind visit but since he had no idea what to expect out of me after so many years, it didn't really surprise me that he made sure to have such a quick trip. As far as he knew, I could have gained 50 lbs and sprouted a goiter in my back or something (I didn't on either count, for the record).
I've heard from Ted via phone, email and text since he left and he's told me that he had a great time here with me and that he wants me to come visit him at some point too. And he made mention of coming back to visit me too, so I am thinking this relationship might have legs. I hope at least. But I don't want to say too much because who knows what will happen. No jinxing, no way!
By the way, Ted has no idea about my baby plans just yet because honestly, that's an awful lot to spring on a guy who's visiting me for the first time in a gazillion years. And who's been divorced for all of six months too, I might add. I took him to a wedding, introduced him to a bunch of my friends and frankly, that's enough for one weekend. Baby talk will come at some later point when I feel the time is right. I do know he wants kids because he said one of the reasons he got divorced is because he wanted kids and his wife did not. So that's a good sign there at least. I don't know how he'd feel about my fertility issues but once again, a conversation for another day.
So now I am off to get ready for my interview and with that I shall bid you adieu for the day. Cheerio!
Not sure who has read back to the beginning of this blog but a few posts ago I mentioned a blast from the past boyfriend who had reappeared out of nowhere to cause quite a stir in my life again. I'd called him "Ted", mostly because I really like the Ted Moseby character on "How I Met Your Mother". (Have you met my friend Ted??). He seems like a really sweet guy and I think this Ted is too. Anyway, fake Ted came and visited me this weekend and needless to say, we had a pretty cool time. So I thought I'd share a few of the details at least.
He got here pretty late on Friday night because he drove about 8 hours after work in heavy traffic to come see me (sounds romantic doesn't it???) It was a little awkward at first because, well, honestly I hadn't seen him since I was 23 years old. And yeah, that was quite a few years ago.
Funny thing though. We stayed up for a while talking and stuff and by the time morning came around, I actually felt pretty comfortable with him and pretty quickly too.
It's weird because I've re-met a few people from way back when and I've often found that we've both changed into very different people and then didn't have much in common anymore. But that didn't seem to happen with Ted. The stuff we did have in common that made us compatible way back when seems to still be there. He's really easy to talk to, he's got a goofy sense of humor like mine and he's super energetic, like I am.
But there are new things too. Like he is a runner now and has even run a marathon. Meanwhile, I'm a runner now and plan to run my first marathon in the fall (Go Dublin!) We actually talked about going running this weekend (he brought his running gear) but it was a really busy weekend and there was just no time. But it's nice to have a common interest with him like that.
So Ted passed my test but the bigger test was whether or not my friends would like him and ... I am happy to say that he passed with flying colors. I took him as my "Plus One" to my friend Michelle's wedding and he was the perfect wedding date. He was very attentive, friendly to my pals and just very fun to be around. Oh and I will also say he looked very handsome in his gray suit and maroon tie, which my girlfriends indeed noticed. I've been looking at the pictures I posted on Facebook and I just think he's incredibly hot looking in a suit. I do always love a man in a suit. Yum!
Something I was happy about as well was that we really had the opportunity to talk this weekend and not only catch up on our lives but to also put some closure to what happened with us the first time around. It was really interesting to hear his take on how our relationship ended because it was quite different from my point of view and that was surprising to me.
Ted asked me how we ended and I was like, "um you broke up with me". He strongly denied that allegation though so I took the time to remind him of the circumstances: He called me up one night, told me he was moving away to Wyoming and that this was something he needed to do. I had asked him when he was moving and he said "next week". I was pretty shocked and asked how come this was the first time I'd heard of this. His response: "I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd talk me out of it and I didn't want you to talk me out of it".
When I reminded him of this discussion he replied, "well yeah, but that wasn't a break up call". I just laughed because well, what else could it be? He was calling me to say he was moving away and said he had no plans to see me again. To me that means we're breaking up. But apparently he saw it as just on a break, as opposed to breaking up. I think he thought he could go off and do his thing for as long as he needed to (including hooking up with other girls) and that I'd be back here waiting for him when he was ready to be the Prodigal Son returning home. Hahaha, yeah, I didn't sign up for that, needless to say and definitely moved on with out him. So when he came to visit his family about a year later and we got together for dinner, I guess he was a little surprised that I (a) brought a friend with me and (b) when I drove he got stuck sitting in the back seat! That was a shocker to him. Haha. I bet it was.
He was pretty blown away by the conversation and all I could think was, can guys really be this clueless??? Well I think we do all know the answer to that question.
He said some incredibly sweet things after that. He was sorry for hurting me and he didn't realize that he was even doing that. He just wasn't ready to grow up yet and was feeling pressured to do so. He knew we had a pretty great relationship but he was young and didn't realize how special it was. He thought, well, this must be how all relationships are. But he discovered in this great big life of his that it wasn't the case. And now he feels bad for wasting so much time in between because if he'd gotten his brain together quicker, we could have been together sooner. Those are some of the sweetest things anyone has ever really said to me, I have to say. I'm getting a little teary just thinking about the conversation actually.
Anyway, the weekend absolutely flew by and next thing you know, Ted had to leave to drive back home. So it was a whirlwind visit but since he had no idea what to expect out of me after so many years, it didn't really surprise me that he made sure to have such a quick trip. As far as he knew, I could have gained 50 lbs and sprouted a goiter in my back or something (I didn't on either count, for the record).
I've heard from Ted via phone, email and text since he left and he's told me that he had a great time here with me and that he wants me to come visit him at some point too. And he made mention of coming back to visit me too, so I am thinking this relationship might have legs. I hope at least. But I don't want to say too much because who knows what will happen. No jinxing, no way!
By the way, Ted has no idea about my baby plans just yet because honestly, that's an awful lot to spring on a guy who's visiting me for the first time in a gazillion years. And who's been divorced for all of six months too, I might add. I took him to a wedding, introduced him to a bunch of my friends and frankly, that's enough for one weekend. Baby talk will come at some later point when I feel the time is right. I do know he wants kids because he said one of the reasons he got divorced is because he wanted kids and his wife did not. So that's a good sign there at least. I don't know how he'd feel about my fertility issues but once again, a conversation for another day.
So now I am off to get ready for my interview and with that I shall bid you adieu for the day. Cheerio!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
They Said What???
Happy June everybody! And by everybody I mean the three friends and family members who are currently my "followers" here at the "Baby Steps" blog. Hmmm...I really do need to figure out how to market this blog so people can find me easier. And by "easier" I really mean "at all", because right now I think I'm pretty invisible to the rest of the world. I discovered the other day that even if I type the exact name of my blog into Google, my blog does not appear in the results list. And that is a bit problematic if I am trying to turn blogging into a lucrative career. Generally to make money off your work, you need to have people actually read your work and if they can't find your work, they probably won't read it. Funny how that works.
Anyway, I went way off topic there for a minute but now I am back. Today's post is going to be about people's reactions to my telling them that I am planning to adopt a child through foster care. Yes, I started telling people this because I am tired of keeping the secret all to myself and also, I felt like maybe this was a little less controversial a subject than telling people that I plan to conceive a child on my own.
That may be true but I've certainly had an interesting array of responses from people, some good, some not so good. The most interesting (and by interesting I mean obnoxious) response came indirectly via my neighbor and friend, Lynne. She had a little pillowtalk going on with the guy she's dating I guess and so she told him my plan one evening when they were chatting. According to Lynne, her male friend was not exactly supportive of my decision and told her so in very plain terms. His response to her comment was, "tell her not to do that. Jax is a pretty girl and I'm sure she can get herself a husband. No guy's going to want her if she's got a kid. Tell her to go get a husband instead." Wow. Tell me how you really feel, buddy.
So yes, this guy, who's pushing 50 years old and has never had a long-term relationship thinks that I will take advice from him? I certainly hope not. But yeah, still a pretty mean thing to say, although in his defense, he probably didn't realize that Lynne would be telling me what he said, verbatim. Lynne does actually need to learn how to sugarcoat her words as she tends to get herself into trouble with what she says sometimes, but that's a different topic for an entirely different day. Regardless though. Keep those thoughts to yourself, buddy. Thanks.
Another reaction came from a long-time friend who is going through a big transition in life herself so we've had many a long conversation about life and what our next steps should be. She's recently married, planning to relocate to her husband's city (many many miles away) and very worried about the Future and the Great Unknown out there, which is far away from her home, her family and all the security she has in life. She's a bit freaked out about all the change going on in her life, to say the least.
Anyway, that said, I told her about all the fertility issues I went through and how I needed to change course at this point, blah blah blah. She's only a few years younger than I am and I told her everything I was dealing with because I wanted her to be forewarned. I would have LOVED it if someone were this blunt with me when I was 39 because maybe I wouldn't be in the place I'm in if they were. Sadly, that wasn't meant to be though and so I just do what I can for others now.
After I told her all about my recent rollercoaster ride, her response to me was, "maybe it's good that all this happened, Jax. Because now maybe you could instead focus just on helping other people have babies and not worry so much about you having a child yourself".
Um really?? So what she was saying was, "don't try to have a kid yourself...just help other people have kids." Oh yes, now that's what I call fulfilling!
I of course told her that was not going to happen and after she realized what she had said and how it had come out, she did apologize and took her words back. She does think foster care adoption is an admirable decision and so I think she just spoke in the moment without thinking about what she was saying before she said it. And she apologized, I accepted her apology and that was that. It was kind of hurtful in the moment but what am I going to do?
Moving on, I am seeing my friend from high school later today, the one who hasn't been all that supportive of my choice in the past and who I decided not to confide in any further. However I did tell her I take a class on Tuesday nights and she of course asked me, what class am I taking. I wasn't in the mood to tell her on the phone that I am taking a parenting class through the state's Department of Children and Services so I just told her at the time, "long story" and left it at that. But I'm sure she's going to ask again when I see her and this time I will have to spill the beans. I'm not really interested in hearing anybody else's reaction anymore though so I don't know, perhaps I'll kind of brush it off so I don't have to hear, "why would you want to do that???" again. I don't know. We'll see.
So that said, I do have class tonight and maybe I'll ask the other people if they are getting weird reactions from people they tell their plans to, as well. I think it's definitely different for me as I'm single and a 40-year-old single woman is still a freak of nature to many people. And so add an adopted kid into the mix and people really have no idea how to react. But I would like to hear other people's thoughts too so I will ask. So stay tuned for their responses. I will let you know as soon as I know myself.
Anyway, I went way off topic there for a minute but now I am back. Today's post is going to be about people's reactions to my telling them that I am planning to adopt a child through foster care. Yes, I started telling people this because I am tired of keeping the secret all to myself and also, I felt like maybe this was a little less controversial a subject than telling people that I plan to conceive a child on my own.
That may be true but I've certainly had an interesting array of responses from people, some good, some not so good. The most interesting (and by interesting I mean obnoxious) response came indirectly via my neighbor and friend, Lynne. She had a little pillowtalk going on with the guy she's dating I guess and so she told him my plan one evening when they were chatting. According to Lynne, her male friend was not exactly supportive of my decision and told her so in very plain terms. His response to her comment was, "tell her not to do that. Jax is a pretty girl and I'm sure she can get herself a husband. No guy's going to want her if she's got a kid. Tell her to go get a husband instead." Wow. Tell me how you really feel, buddy.
So yes, this guy, who's pushing 50 years old and has never had a long-term relationship thinks that I will take advice from him? I certainly hope not. But yeah, still a pretty mean thing to say, although in his defense, he probably didn't realize that Lynne would be telling me what he said, verbatim. Lynne does actually need to learn how to sugarcoat her words as she tends to get herself into trouble with what she says sometimes, but that's a different topic for an entirely different day. Regardless though. Keep those thoughts to yourself, buddy. Thanks.
Another reaction came from a long-time friend who is going through a big transition in life herself so we've had many a long conversation about life and what our next steps should be. She's recently married, planning to relocate to her husband's city (many many miles away) and very worried about the Future and the Great Unknown out there, which is far away from her home, her family and all the security she has in life. She's a bit freaked out about all the change going on in her life, to say the least.
Anyway, that said, I told her about all the fertility issues I went through and how I needed to change course at this point, blah blah blah. She's only a few years younger than I am and I told her everything I was dealing with because I wanted her to be forewarned. I would have LOVED it if someone were this blunt with me when I was 39 because maybe I wouldn't be in the place I'm in if they were. Sadly, that wasn't meant to be though and so I just do what I can for others now.
After I told her all about my recent rollercoaster ride, her response to me was, "maybe it's good that all this happened, Jax. Because now maybe you could instead focus just on helping other people have babies and not worry so much about you having a child yourself".
Um really?? So what she was saying was, "don't try to have a kid yourself...just help other people have kids." Oh yes, now that's what I call fulfilling!
I of course told her that was not going to happen and after she realized what she had said and how it had come out, she did apologize and took her words back. She does think foster care adoption is an admirable decision and so I think she just spoke in the moment without thinking about what she was saying before she said it. And she apologized, I accepted her apology and that was that. It was kind of hurtful in the moment but what am I going to do?
Moving on, I am seeing my friend from high school later today, the one who hasn't been all that supportive of my choice in the past and who I decided not to confide in any further. However I did tell her I take a class on Tuesday nights and she of course asked me, what class am I taking. I wasn't in the mood to tell her on the phone that I am taking a parenting class through the state's Department of Children and Services so I just told her at the time, "long story" and left it at that. But I'm sure she's going to ask again when I see her and this time I will have to spill the beans. I'm not really interested in hearing anybody else's reaction anymore though so I don't know, perhaps I'll kind of brush it off so I don't have to hear, "why would you want to do that???" again. I don't know. We'll see.
So that said, I do have class tonight and maybe I'll ask the other people if they are getting weird reactions from people they tell their plans to, as well. I think it's definitely different for me as I'm single and a 40-year-old single woman is still a freak of nature to many people. And so add an adopted kid into the mix and people really have no idea how to react. But I would like to hear other people's thoughts too so I will ask. So stay tuned for their responses. I will let you know as soon as I know myself.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Talk about a Big Family...
I just saw this video on on cnn.com about a woman in Niteroi, Brazil who is raising 50 children (!!) on her own. This family consists of her four biological children and the 46 kids she adopted after they had been abandoned.
www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2010/05/25/tst.brazil.50.kids.adopted.rttv?iref=allsearch
Anybody who is this dedicated to children simply deserves to be commended. God bless you lady!
www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2010/05/25/tst.brazil.50.kids.adopted.rttv?iref=allsearch
Anybody who is this dedicated to children simply deserves to be commended. God bless you lady!
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Foster Adoption Path
Okay, so it seems I may be ready to perhaps start coming to terms with the fact that my fertility is not exactly what it used to be. Which is to say I think it's just about gone. As much as I'd love to have a child biologically, I'm not sure that it's really possible at this point. Sad but true and maybe it's just time I saw the truth.
So this week I took another step away from biological conception and closer to the foster adoption path: I attended my first foster adoption parenting class through my state. Oh yes, one class down...seven to go.
This class is designed to help those of us blessed enough to come from somewhat "normal" backgrounds understand and deal with the issues children from the foster system may have. These kids have all suffered some form of neglect and/or abuse and obviously, that's pain that's going to stick with you. I can't even imagine what they've had to go through and at such a young age too. It just saddens me, really.
The first class really could have been called "Social Work 101" as we went over the reasons a child is placed into foster care, the feelings that these kids most likely have and the behaviors they exhibit. The social workers mentioned a few cases that they've seen over the years and I will say by the end of the evening, we were all pretty depressed. Thank goodness they served us pizza because we needed one bright spot to the night!
I can't really talk too much about the class as it needs to remain confidential, for obvious reasons. What I can say though is that I left the classroom feeling good about my decision to adopt through the foster care system. I really want to give soe children the unconditional love they deserve, not to mention just a better, safer home. I know I can do that (admittedly, with the backgrounds these poor kids have, the bar is set pretty low but I intend to raise it dramatically).
I say "children" instead of "child" because I think I've made the decision, finances willing, to adopt at least two siblings. That's because honestly at this point, I want an instant family and might as well get it all done at once. Plus I think it would be easier to adopt a baby or toddler if there was an older sibling included in the package and I really do still want a baby.
I told this to a good friend of mine today who adopted her little girl through foster care and she thought it was a great idea. That made me feel pretty awesome because I consider her an expert on this process, since she successfully nagivated the rough foster adoption waters herself.
I appreciate that she understands my need for the "instant family". Now two years after adopting her little "princess", she's looking into going through the process again so her daughter can have a little brother or sister but it's time consuming.You really do have to go through the entire process all over again. There are parenting classes and home studies and safety assessments and social worker visits, etc. etc. I personally would like to avoid all that duplicated work and just get it out of the way once and for all. Plus, like I said, I'd really just like a family pronto. I'm not getting any younger, you know?
The only wild card in all of this is finances. I'm not exactly rolling in money and right now I am unemployed. I'm getting paid for the next year from my old job but frankly, I was underpaid and I live in a pretty expensive city. I just bought a new car and have owned my condo for only six months, so my savings has really taken a hit in the last year as well. I just don't know how I could afford multiple kids right now.
That said, I do know that I can and will get another job at some point, hopefully not too far into the future. And I know that I will only accept a job if it pays the market rate and in my industry, that's not too shabby. So there are definitely things I can do to improve my finances. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually date a guy who'd like to share this dream with me. That would offset my costs by half, leaving me with a savings safety cushion, if I should ever need it (romantic sounding, isn't it???)
Plus, this isn't all going to happen tomorrow. I've got to get through the classes and the home study and I won't be able to even begin looking for children until the fall. That's a full four months away. And a lot can happen between now and four months away.
So the way I look at it, I'm going to set the goal that I am going to become a mom to two siblings, one a baby or toddler and the other a few years older. That way the Universe can help me gain the resources I need to make that goal a reality. So there it is. Let me know what you think, Universe. How are we going to make this happen?
So this week I took another step away from biological conception and closer to the foster adoption path: I attended my first foster adoption parenting class through my state. Oh yes, one class down...seven to go.
This class is designed to help those of us blessed enough to come from somewhat "normal" backgrounds understand and deal with the issues children from the foster system may have. These kids have all suffered some form of neglect and/or abuse and obviously, that's pain that's going to stick with you. I can't even imagine what they've had to go through and at such a young age too. It just saddens me, really.
The first class really could have been called "Social Work 101" as we went over the reasons a child is placed into foster care, the feelings that these kids most likely have and the behaviors they exhibit. The social workers mentioned a few cases that they've seen over the years and I will say by the end of the evening, we were all pretty depressed. Thank goodness they served us pizza because we needed one bright spot to the night!
I can't really talk too much about the class as it needs to remain confidential, for obvious reasons. What I can say though is that I left the classroom feeling good about my decision to adopt through the foster care system. I really want to give soe children the unconditional love they deserve, not to mention just a better, safer home. I know I can do that (admittedly, with the backgrounds these poor kids have, the bar is set pretty low but I intend to raise it dramatically).
I say "children" instead of "child" because I think I've made the decision, finances willing, to adopt at least two siblings. That's because honestly at this point, I want an instant family and might as well get it all done at once. Plus I think it would be easier to adopt a baby or toddler if there was an older sibling included in the package and I really do still want a baby.
I told this to a good friend of mine today who adopted her little girl through foster care and she thought it was a great idea. That made me feel pretty awesome because I consider her an expert on this process, since she successfully nagivated the rough foster adoption waters herself.
I appreciate that she understands my need for the "instant family". Now two years after adopting her little "princess", she's looking into going through the process again so her daughter can have a little brother or sister but it's time consuming.You really do have to go through the entire process all over again. There are parenting classes and home studies and safety assessments and social worker visits, etc. etc. I personally would like to avoid all that duplicated work and just get it out of the way once and for all. Plus, like I said, I'd really just like a family pronto. I'm not getting any younger, you know?
The only wild card in all of this is finances. I'm not exactly rolling in money and right now I am unemployed. I'm getting paid for the next year from my old job but frankly, I was underpaid and I live in a pretty expensive city. I just bought a new car and have owned my condo for only six months, so my savings has really taken a hit in the last year as well. I just don't know how I could afford multiple kids right now.
That said, I do know that I can and will get another job at some point, hopefully not too far into the future. And I know that I will only accept a job if it pays the market rate and in my industry, that's not too shabby. So there are definitely things I can do to improve my finances. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually date a guy who'd like to share this dream with me. That would offset my costs by half, leaving me with a savings safety cushion, if I should ever need it (romantic sounding, isn't it???)
Plus, this isn't all going to happen tomorrow. I've got to get through the classes and the home study and I won't be able to even begin looking for children until the fall. That's a full four months away. And a lot can happen between now and four months away.
So the way I look at it, I'm going to set the goal that I am going to become a mom to two siblings, one a baby or toddler and the other a few years older. That way the Universe can help me gain the resources I need to make that goal a reality. So there it is. Let me know what you think, Universe. How are we going to make this happen?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Send a Prayer
My blogs are so often about me but today I wanted to send out some happy thoughts to a couple of friends of mine: Kelly and Rich, who just had a set of twins a full seven weeks premature. I don't know a lot of the details at this point but I have heard that Twin A (a girl) is doing fine but that Twin B (a boy) is sick and not doing as well. So please, any prayers you have for those wee ones would be much appreciated.
Hopefully everything turns out okay and the twins grow up healthy and strong. I know that this couple is an amazing pair and are going to be fantastic parents. But right now, that little guy of theirs has a fight ahead of him and he's going to need all the help he can get.
So thank you in advance for any and all thoughts and prayers you can send their way. With any luck, my next update will contain the happy news that the twins are doing great and that mom and dad are loving their new chaotic loved-filled but sleep-deprived lives. We can only hope.
Hopefully everything turns out okay and the twins grow up healthy and strong. I know that this couple is an amazing pair and are going to be fantastic parents. But right now, that little guy of theirs has a fight ahead of him and he's going to need all the help he can get.
So thank you in advance for any and all thoughts and prayers you can send their way. With any luck, my next update will contain the happy news that the twins are doing great and that mom and dad are loving their new chaotic loved-filled but sleep-deprived lives. We can only hope.
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